Is discipline a necessary component of a Taken In Hand relationship?

I'm looking for someone to take care of me, I want my husband to "wear the trousers", be in charge. But I want that he's sincerely ready to work with me to find solutions that will suit everybody (I know sometimes it can't but I think it's worthy trying) I want to be completely involved in the decision-making process. I also want that each partner gets to decide in areas he/she's better at, so the husband would let the wife manage the areas she's better at and so would do the wife. The wife would admit that in general, the power of decision goes to the husband: she accepts he's in charge. But the husband would admit that for some issues, his wife is as able as him or better able than him to get things in order, and then he would let the wife take care or, would ask her to take care.

If I'm crossing limits, I'm expecting my husband not to let it go or run away, but to face it by means such as giving me a grave stern look and demanding that I "stop this behaviour this instant". Then when we're both in better mood, would come the time to discuss the issue. Same thing if he's the one crossing limits.

As for the stress or frustration, even angst, coming out of those moments where one has crossed a limit, I'd like that once we've discussed the issue, we find a way we both would enjoy/agree to let it go definitely. Like both playing against each other at Playstation, or going out and throwing snow at each other. So we don't deal with it alone in a corner, but together.

Would you say that this idea of a relationship is one possible kind of Taken In Hand relationship or would you say it is a conventional relationship? I don't think that it's an EQUAL relationship because there is someone who is entitled the power to lead. But it doesn't involve 'discipline'.


This sounds more like an equal relationship

To me, this sounds more like an equal relationship than a Taken In Hand one. I say this because no where in your article do you speak about submission. While my husband and I have some of the qualities you discuss here, the reality is that he is in charge and over the years I have submitted to some of his good ideas as well as some of the bad ones. We live with the consequences and he makes better decisions the next time.

I think you primary concern is that you don't want 'discipline' in your relationship. I read that as spanking. However, there are ways that men exercise discipline other than spanking. My husband rarely spanks me, but I never doubt that he is in charge because of the subtle ways that he takes me in hand (and I like it that way).

Discipline is not for everyone, but I think you will find that for those of us who do choose it, we have an intense connection with our spouse because of a deep abiding love and trust that runs through all of our interactions with one another. And, there are people who have a Taken In Hand relationship that does not include any type of physical discipline. Perhaps someone else on the post could point you towards a good article...

Best of luck.


Not necessary

I don't think discipline is a necessary component of a Taken In Hand relationship. I think of a Taken In Hand relationship as one in which the husband is in charge and actively engaged in maintaining control, but that doesn't have to involve discipline.

Bramble wrote some good articles on here about her marriage, which doesn't involve any discipline. 'My husband and I fact the world as a team' was a particularly good one I thought.

A majority of the people who post on here do seem to have a disciplinary aspect to their relationships (I would be unhappy without it for instance), but I don't think it is at all essential.

The sort of relationship you describe sounds very Taken In Hand to me.


A wise husband recognizes where his mate is more competent than

Your wants do not match MY idea of Taken In Hand.

That said, every Taken In Hand relationship is different. So, if you find someone who wants to live life as you see it, then by all means, please do.

It is a wise head of household who recognizes where his mate is more competent at some aspect of life than he. He would be wise to take counsel from his mate on these issues. That does not mean that he must grant her full autonomy on those issues. Should he act contrary to her counsel, he should have a good reason for it and must fully accept the consequences for his decision. But, again, every Taken In Hand relationship is different and subject to the wants and needs of its players.


Will you stop when he tells you to?

If he demands that you "stop this behavior this instant" will you? Or will you keep going?

He is disciplining you at that point, maybe not with a spanking but it is still discipline.

If you don't want to get spanked that often or be afraid that you can at least make you viewpoint known make it clear that you expect a warning before getting spanked.

My guess is that the threat of a spanking has to be there for you stop when he tells you to.

The threat of a spanking

I totally disagree that the threat of a spanking has to be there in order for a man to have the ability to make a woman do as she is told. When my husband speaks to me in a certain way, I respond instinctively, it's the tone of his voice that does it, causing my submissive side to kick in and respond. The spanking, or threat of one, is neither here nor there. If you really respect a man's authority, why would you need the threat of a spanking to make you do as he tells you? It's not the prospect of being spanked that makes me behave in these situations, and I don't believe that it is at all necessary for this sort of relationship to work.


Discipline does not equal punishment

Let's take Louise's point a step further.

We should not assume that spankings—or "punishments" in any form—are the only way to discipline.

When a husband guides his wife into some form of behavior, he is disciplining her. He can do that by strength of will, a gentle caress, or even by inspiration.

A husband can change his wife's attitude and desires by inflaming her passions—wiping the emotional slate clean and getting her to start over. It can be a "reward" or it can even be just a kind of relationship magic that makes her want to do his bidding simply because he has put her into a receptive mood.

Some couples prefer spanking or other punishments or even spanking as a non-punishment (i.e. spanking as a reward for the woman who is aroused by being spanked).

Regardless of the method, if the husband is leading the wife, changing her attitude, changing her behavior—he is disciplining her and taking her in hand.

Don't let fear get in the way

I believe you are a prime candidate for a Taken In Hand relationship but you are letting your fear get into the way. You will not believe how liberated you will feel once your husband takes command of your life. It sounds couter-intuitive but this stuff works. I cannot tell you how wonderful life got after I discovered this website. Taken In Hand has allowed me to assume my role in authority over my wife and my household. It has also freed my wife of her fears on making the right decision, pleasing me in bed, where to go on vacation, etc.

Bottom line, dive in! You'll love it.

Taken In Hand frees me to be me


I couldn't agree more with you. This relationship is quite freeing for some woman (count me as one of them!). Taken In Hand allows me to have time for me! It allows me to be the woman that I want to be and my husband enjoys this immensely. I am a professional woman with a lot on my plate at work—and at work, I am 'in charge'. It's exhausting. But when I come home to my refuge and don't have to make many decisions, and can enjoy being controlled by my husband, I am happiest.