If you want your wife to give you respect, give her love

If you want your wife to give you respect, give her love

Warner on Emerson Eggerich's book.Men crave respect. Women are more likely to be concerned about whether they are loved. If you ask a businessman whether he wants to be liked by his associates and competitors, or respected by them, he will invariably tell you that he wants the respect. Many fights in marriages occur because a man feels disrespected by his wife. This is the theme of a book by Emerson Eggerichs called Love and Respect.

Good men in general, but Taken In Hand men in particular, feel very responsible for the happiness and welfare of their families. If a woman is sad or worried about something, what she usually wants is reassurance and love from her man. Unfortunately if a husband is not careful, he will fail to interpret his wife’s sadness, irritability, or withdrawal as a need for more love, which is actually her request; instead, he experiences these things as criticism of him. He may even respond with anger and hurt her feelings even more. How can this happen?

Remember, a man feels responsible for the welfare of his family. If she feels bad, then he feels responsible. So if she feels bad, he feels blamed. And if he feels blamed, he feels disrespected. And when he feels disrespected, he responds with anger.

And naturally, when he becomes angry, she feels more unloved. And the downward cycle continues.

So what is a Taken In Hand man to do?

He needs to interrupt the cycle. As hard as it is, a woman who is sad, worried, upset or even angry is most likely feeling unloved. She wants attention. This attention can be a spanking, a love-making session, praise, or even a hug etc.

It may take a minute or two for the man to compose himself. This is critical. Just a few minutes by himself is important, even if she wants immediate interaction and results. A man in a Taken In Hand marriage is thoughtful and reflective. He does not act in haste. He must do what is best.

What feels like criticism (or is criticism from his wife) may make him angry, but he must retain control of himself. He needs first to compose himself. But when he does, he must take his wife in hand. His attention makes her feel loved. Hug her. Wallop her. Take her.

But whatever you do, demand obedience from her.

Her immediate response to his commands, demonstrates respect for him. And her respect reinforces his attentions. His attentions make her feel loved. When feeling loved, she feels better. And criticizes less, making him feel respected, etc.

Remember: you need to show your wife love by giving her attention. She will then show you respect by obeying you. Take her in hand. She will feel loved. She will obey. And you will get the respect you crave.

Warner

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Comments

My husband is very sensitive

My husband is very sensitive to feeling respected. He rarely gets angry, but if he feels he is being disrespected, he gets very angry—it's his button!

However, my husband does not demand respect, he commands it—hence for the most part I'm obedient even when I'm not sure he is right. (If I really think he is dead wrong, I'll tell him, we talk and he makes the decision.) My husband commands respect by loving me over and over every day. I crave positive attention from him and he gives it to me. He knows that little things mean a lot to me, so he does them—like being hugged for no reason, like cleaning the kitchen (which I usually do) or like teaching our children what a good husband and father is by example, and most importantly, by apologizing when he is wrong. All these things make me love him and they make me respect him.

Am I always obedient? No, I'm not. I'm moody, like everyone else. But my husband takes me in hand when necessary. And I rarely need it, because he shows me lots of love and attention—and yes, this does make me respect him.

Unconditional Respect

I would like to hear comments on this specific aspect of this book. He likens the expectation of women to receive unconditional love to have a counterpart in her giving unconditional respect to her husband. He uses a biblical justification to show this but I am curious to see how many women would resist this concept of unconditional respect outside a biblical framework. After all, shouldn't he be "forced" to earn your respect for his position as opposed to you offering it to him first?

Randy

"The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything."-Teddy Roosevelt

Unconditional?

I don't personally see how respect can be unconditional. A person has to behave in a way that makes you feel respect for him. The idea of 'unconditional' respect seems extremely odd to me.

Love also is not always unconditional. Except where the children are concerned. When it comes to a partner, I can think of things that I might do that could put him off loving me. I don't really see that either love or respect need be unconditional.

This reminds me rather of that passage in The Rivals, where Falkland is trying to test Julia's love for him by asking him if she would still love him if he was ugly, andd of course she says yes, and then he wants to know if she would still love him if he didn't have this or that quality, and in the end she asks him what qualities he does think she should love him for, and he replies none, he wants her to love him unconditionally, i.e. even if he possessed no lovable qualities whatsoever. it's cleary an absurdity.

Louise

Love and respect, and trust

Hmm, I don't know about this idea. I was never quite sure even about the appeal of unconditional love, and I'm even more suspicious of the idea of "unconditional respect." Respect is something that needs to be earned. As Thesaint put it: "If you want to be respected, be respectable."

What are the limits to this "respect" that doesn't have to be earned? Is she still supposed to "respect" him if he starts shooting dope, loses his job, starts committing robberies to support his drug habit? How about murder, raping children, torturing animals, committing genocide? If the respect is truly "unconditional" then there are no limits to it, right? She has to "respect" him even if he turns into Hitler on heroin.

And just how is she supposed to do that, anyway? How can we dredge up some level of "respect" when it is not actually there? Our emotions are not under our volitional control at all; they happen to us spontaneously, whether we want that particular feeling or not.

That's one reason why I have long been suspicious of "unconditional" love. Does it mean you have to try and force yourself to feel something that you don't really feel spontaneously? Then that would be fake and unnatural; and the last kind of love that anyone should want. I guess you might say that some kinds of unconditional love happen naturally; such as the tender feelings of parents for their children. But is that really even unconditional? Today he's a cute cooing little baby, innocent and precocious. Before long he could be the next Jeffrey Dahmer. So the "unconditional" love might only be there on the condition that the child is actually innocent and harmless. And if you put ANY conditions or limits on it at all, then it's no longer "unconditional."

I think maybe what people mean by "unconditional love" is when you know the person's soul or true inner nature so well, that you know there is nothing they could do that could ever cause your love to stop. And I'm sure that kind of love does exist. But then, sometimes people get brain tumors, or sustain brain damage in an accident, and their whole personality changes almost overnight. What if they don't even seem like the same person to you now? In fact, if your love is "unconditional" then why is there any reason to love person X more than person Y? Shouldn't you love all people equally? And not only all people, but also all animals; if you insist that they must be human, then that's "putting a condition on it." And so on and etc.

I am all in favor of the power of enduring love; knowing someone so well that even when they have an "off" day or get into a mean and grumpy mood, you can recognize that's not a reflection on who they truly are, it's just an aberration or an exception. Durable and enduring love means that you might even watch a loved one go through a few months or a few years of turmoil and change; and want to be there to help them find their way throught it. But still, you love them for Who They Are—and that, in itself, is a kind of condition. If they turned into someone else, with very different personality and interests and values, then you would not love that person the same.

So, if even "unconditional love" is a dubious concept, how much *more* dubious is the idea of "unconditional respect." Frankly, people who seem to feel a strong need for respect often strike me as shallow and insecure, needy for ego affirmation. Ironically, anyone who seems as if they need respect—and especially if they "demand" it—are much less likely to strike me as being worthy of respect. But the same is not true for love. A need for love seems to be an essential feature of the human soul, as love is the deepest way we can connect and relate to the whole cosmos. But a need for respect—or to have other people treat you with respect and deference—seems to come not from the soul, but the fear and insecurity, from ego issues. If women are mostly seeking love and men are mostly seeking respect, then maybe that implies that women tend to be somewhat more mature in general.

But even if respect (and maybe love too) is not an unconditional feeling, one can still aim to make a habit of speaking and acting "as if" the love or respect is there, despite whatever ups and downs the beloved has from day to day. But I'm not sure about seeing it as some kind of a barter or exchange, as in: you give me respect, so I'll give you love. I don't know, it just sounds kind of calculating, and thus lacking in natural spontaneity.

I do however, agree with this part of the original post:

If a woman is sad or worried about something, what she usually wants is reassurance and love from her man. Unfortunately if a husband is not careful, he will fail to interpret his wife’s sadness, irritability, or withdrawal as a need for more love, which is actually her request; instead, he experiences these things as criticism of him. He may even respond with anger and hurt her feelings even more.

So many hurtful fights are due to just that kind of misinterpretation, or failure to communicate clearly; it's pretty sad. If only everyone could keep in mind that those little ups and downs of life don't negate the love that's there, that might help a lot. But then, maybe that's just me coming from the "female" point of view, where love is much more important than respect.

I do have to wonder about this part:

If she feels bad, then he feels responsible. So if she feels bad, he feels blamed. And if he feels blamed, he feels disrespected. And when he feels disrespected, he responds with anger.

What if he really *IS* blameworthy? This is something I have never understood about men: how terribly resistant they are to ever being blamed for anything at all, even when it's very clear that they deliberately did something wrong or untrustworthy. At what point does a guy grow up and start taking it like a man, and become willing to accept the blame when he really is to blame for something?? At what point do truth and responsibility and maturity and the preservation of love become more important to him than shielding and protecting and insulating his fragile male ego?

And naturally, when he becomes angry, she feels more unloved.

Yeah, imagine that. Maybe she had a really bad day, and felt terrible and irritable and grumpy, and all she really needed to do was to vent her frustrations and have someone listen to her and give her a hug and tell her everything will be okay. Instead she has someone who feels justified in getting mad at her, just because she's mad. Yeah, that's a surefire recipe for a big fight.

Partners need to take turns giving each other the space to vent their feelings, even the negative ones. We all need that space sometimes; and if we get a chance to vent and blow off steam, then it may be over quickly and harmlessly. But if your immediate response to your partner's frustration is to get mad at them for venting, then that solves nothing, and just cranks the hostilities up from the minor leagues to the majors. We need to be able to trust that our loved ones can endure the occasional fireworks without melting or going explosive. We need to trust that we will have the space to vent when we can't hold it in any longer; without having everything blow up in our faces.

So what is a Taken In Hand man to do? He needs to interrupt the cycle. As hard as it is, a woman who is sad, worried, upset or even angry is most likely feeling unloved. She wants attention. This attention can be a spanking, a love-making session.

What if what she wants is love in the form of an honest heart-to-heart discussion? Why do so many men run away from that?

Remember: you need to show your wife love by giving her attention. She will then show you respect by obeying you. Take her in hand. She will feel loved. She will obey. And you will get the respect you crave.

This is a fine idea, in itself; and it could bring harmony from woe. However: what if he is not there to take her in hand? What if he's away on business, or traveling for other reasons? I guess maybe this gets into the whole question of whether long-distance domination is even possible, especially of the Taken In Hand variety. But for an established relationship there must be some solution.

(And my earlier reservations about the adjective "unconditional" when appended to love or respect still stand; it's almost never an accurate or honest way to put it. I might know a man well enough to know that he could never do anything that would make me stop loving him. For example, I can trust that he will never be cruel to animals because I know that he's kind and compassionate by nature. But even in that case, I love him precisely because of who he is; and that is something like a condition. This may seem like semantic nitpicking, but I'm one of those odd people who thinks that words should have some coherent meaning, and that it's important to ensure that our use of language does not slipslide into the vague and muzzy. Except, of course, in songs and poetry.)

DeeMarie.....I just want to s

DeeMarie.....I just want to say that I love you! :D You've stated some of the things I get frustrated about daily. If men want to be men and in charge, they need to suck it up and take RESPONSIBILITY for their actions. That means taking the blame if they are to blame and not coming up with pointless excuses that just cause arguments.

~Daniel's Megz~

Respect, trust and love are a

Respect, trust and love are all things to be earned, with the latter usually being unavailable without the former two. Respect may be experienced and displayed internally and/or externally and one does not need to feel love, trust or respect to be respectful towards another. It is a decisive act and not necessarily a feeling. Feelings come and go; actions speak volumes and point to good character. All are entitled to, though are not necessarily worthy of respect. The degree to which one is willing to respect another is the degree to which they respect themselves. As with anything else, there are different levels and degrees of respect.

With regards to...

"But a need for respect—or to have other people treat you with respect and deference—seems to come not from the soul, but the fear and insecurity, from ego issues. If women are mostly seeking love and men are mostly seeking respect, then maybe that implies that women tend to be somewhat more mature in general."

I do not know whether it is a difference in the degree of maturity, but simply another way of saying/expressing "love." One respects whom one loves, do they not? Do you feel love when you are disrespected? Of course not! But then that begs the question, Dee Marie (and forgive me for I haven't been on here long enough to know your answer), what act/acts do you perceive as being loving towards you that satisfy your desire to feel loved? Is it by being honored, supported, cherished, understood, etc.? Do these not all require being respected, in one form or another?

I think all that we ever seek is love and it may take different forms and characteristics in different degrees for different people at different times, as none of us is on the same exact path and timeline. Perhaps this is where we caught up, semantically and otherwise, in comparing and judging our "rights and wrongs, good and bads" against others.

As to:

"What if he really *IS* blameworthy? This is something I have never understood about men: how terribly resistant they are to ever being blamed for anything at all, even when it's very clear that they deliberately did something wrong or untrustworthy. At what point does a guy grow up and start taking it like a man, and become willing to accept the blame when he really is to blame for something?? At what point do truth and responsibility and maturity and the preservation of love become more important to him than shielding and protecting and insulating his fragile male ego?"

I hear and recognize your deep frustration, but believe this not to be a male only issue, tho' it may appear more prevalent in them. Tho' it may not be of much help, all I can offer is I would think that if one wants another (male or female) to do/be as you ask, in regards to accepting responsibility, one must be willing to vulnerably do/be so themselves and create a VERY safe place for their partner to do/be the same when they fail, as it is not an easy task. If this "learned" characteristic is not already inherent in the person, it can be modeled, taught and encouraged, which means groundwork must be laid, with the heart, foremost, being forgiving. In my experience, we here in the West do not tend to encourage that in either sex, let alone the male.

To me, there is little more enticing than to see/know/feel the imperfect/vulnerable parts of a man. It is then I can see who he really is. If I take it upon myself to make it safe for him to do so, he will in time, display this. Ahhh, how that touches my heart! Sometimes I think I love men most and think they are the strongest when they are willing to trust me with their soft and sore spots. Now THAT is a coup! No one likes missing the mark and we are all tender and fragile, some more than others, and men, especially, need tender handling at such times. It is an art...a sacred art. I think we might benefit from re-defining certain things like "strong, etc." to include the willingness to be so vulnerable. When we remove the shame and blame factor from this I think we will make more headway. No one can EVER live up to others expectations. We will always fail and be failed in this regard. It is a part of life in the human condition.

"Blame" is a very strong word and usually contains shaming. It would appear this might be a hot button topic with you, which leaves me to wonder if it is possible, perhaps, there is an under or over commitment to responsibility somewhere on your part. I am not saying there is...I am just wondering.