If you want to be in charge let go of anger

Something about having a taken-in-hand wife makes me feel like working to support her and the family. It’s hard to put it into words. You so badly want to take care of a wonderful woman because she trusts you to do so. She does as you say and you in turn just can’t bear to disappoint her. It’s a matter of pride as much as anything else. You want her to be right in having faith in you.

That is why having a man in charge does not have to imply the disempowerment of women. We, as men in charge, want our women to do well in the same way that when we are the coach of the football team or the leader of our business team, we want our team to do well. Their success is part of our success. Marriage is a team endeavor.

Male dominance is only dangerous when men feel the need to dominate because they are angry at women and don’t trust them. Unfortunately, some men, such as men's rights activists, and some dominant men in the BDSM community, actually feel victimized by women and so want to be in charge in order to prevent women from hurting them. And indeed it may be true that some men have been victimized by some women (and vice-versa).

But approaching a new relationship holding on to fear associated with an old one and with the need to right perceived or actual abuse in the past inevitably leads to asking the new partner to sacrifice, serve and suffer for the sins of the previous woman or women, thus repeating the abuse but now with the man, the former abuse victim, as the victimizer, and the new woman as the victim. This sets up precisely the conditions in which a new victim is created, and the vicious circle is strengthened. That woman whom you are punishing for the abusiveness of a woman or women past, may go on to punish other men for your abuse of her.

Even if a woman (or man) has hurt you in the past, break free. Let it go. Separate yourself psychologically from that abuse. Leave it in the past. Don't blame others for the abuse you have suffered in the past. Don't punish others for abuse for which they have no moral responsibility. Treat people as individuals instead of making global negative judgements about entire classes of individuals. Don't become that which you despise: a bitter, cynical, hate-filled abuser. That is no way to live. It is painful.

A man should only want to take charge in any situation if he believes that his strengths enable him to utilize the creativity of the wife he is in charge of to make both her and himself better off.

This desire to take charge of your wife is rooted in respect for your partner’s capabilities, not the need to inhibit or hurt them. If you are a man who has abused your power, experiment with finding ways to use your power to make your wife better off. Start putting her and your relationship first—not in a groveling, supplicating, servile way of course, but in a way that makes it more obvious that you care about her. The smile on her face will be plenty worth the effort. And the trust in you that she will develop will give you more power still. No matter what mistakes you have made, you can make changes that make all the difference.

Dominance applied with kindness and love will powerfully engender respect and adoration in your wife. Being in charge can be a tremendously moral and exciting adventure for you both. The more you are able to be firmly in charge but kindly so, the more your wife will respond positively to your leadership, and the more you will enjoy your power over her. Both of you will naturally want to be the best you can be for one another and for yourselves. This striving to be the best for one another is very pleasurable. My beautiful taken-in-hand wife has enabled me to feel that pleasure. I recommend it.


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What a wonderful article

What a wonderful article, Psychiatrist, and I couldn't agree more about letting go of past wrongs. It seems wrong to add to it but I have a slightly different point on anger.

My natural reaction when confronted, defied or in any way (in my perception) wronged is to attack. I'm volatile and voluble and it is hugely intimidating. For years I internalised this in an effort to be whom I thought I should be, and ironically it's only since discovering taken in hand, very much at the prompting of my wife, that this rage has made an appearance.

Consequently I've had to take control of myself. My wife submits both to my leadership and my discipline but I've denied myself the right to discipline if I'm angry. My wife is a spanker's worst nightmare anyway as she is ridiculously well behaved, but she has escaped a couple due to my blowing my top. She seems both relieved and disappointed by this which is a good indication that as a lifestyle choice this works for us.

Not being able to lead in the way I want because of my own weakness is a fantastic motivator. And as my wife can see I'm actively dealing with behaviour she doesn't like it's all around better for our marriage.

Dominant men are often volatile men, but well channeled this volatility can be a creative and powerful force for better. What do others think?

Anger with control can create fireworks in the bedroom

Lawford wrote:

Dominant men are often volatile men, but well channeled this volatility can be a creative and powerful force for better. What do others think?

Dominant men often are volatile men. As you say, channeling this appropriately creates the fun and excitement that men (and the Taken In Hand women who love them) crave.

I don't think you should not discipline if you are angry, as long as you are calm enough to ascertain that you should, and calm enough not to injure. For some couples, his anger is the catalyst for a cathartic spanking and sexual experience which brings the two closer together. The wife does not have to be “bad” for the spanking and loving to be good!

For other couples, it is the fact that the man has brought himself under control (for example spiritually and morally) that gives him the authority to spank and causes the wife to accept the spanking. For these couples, there is a sense that the wife has done something wrong and so is being punished for that by receiving a spanking. In this situation, spanking is not just a mechanism for the husband to release anger to bring the two together. He is actually trying to correct his wife, and for these couples, this is erotic.

Often it does not matter whether one is trying to correct one's wife or release anger in a non-destructive way. The sexual tension and release is so dramatic from the spanking and the sex that both feel so much better. In this better frame of mind, both find ways of pleasing the other more, without the cancerous drain of chronic unresolved disputes weighing down the relationship.

Kinds of anger

As Lawford points out, he's talking about a different kind of anger than Psychiatrist. The kind of anger Psychiatrist describes is bitter and cold and not something I would find attractive at all.

Lawford is talking about anger in a particular circumstance, a powerful sudden emotion that isn't so bad after all. My husband and I are both quick to anger, but we express it as fast as it comes (well, sometimes he waits a minute) and then it goes away. The speed of his anger—coming and going—and the ease with which he expresses it—attract me. I don't like the idea of swallowed anger, amorphous as Psychiatrist describes.



If a man cannot control himself, how can he lead or control anything or anybody in his life? To bring out the best in our partner or anyone requires that we bring out the best in ourselves.

Enjoyed this article

You so badly want to take care of a wonderful woman because she trusts you to do so. She does as you say and you in turn just can’t bear to disappoint her. It’s a matter of pride as much as anything else. You want her to be right in having faith in you.

Exactly. This is one of the reasons why I personally get stumped when critics of this dynamic take issue with the woman giving up her power. The power isn't given in some casual, flippant fashion and it isn't treated that way either. If it were, of course there would be understandable concerns. But it's hard to explain why when that transfer occurs that you want to be a better, more responsible, and tempered person. It's not a deal that's negotiated or a debt that's repaid or something you could put your finger on. But inch by inch, I think we become more like the kinds of people we were meant to be.

Anger has no place in love. Forgiveness does

I love this article because it focuses on how anger diminishes our capacity to love. Anger, resentment and grudges cannot coexist with love, for both men and women. In order to completely love, you must forgive.