I don't want to be submissive!

I have no wish to just be submissive. To me this seems dull and boring. No fun at all.

I want to be made to submit. I want him to earn my submission. I want him to spank me and control me so that I feel I have no other course of action but to accept his control. I then call him master and mean every syllable of it.

I am not a submissive person in any way shape or form. Never have been and I hope I never will be but I want to feel the urge, no the need, to submit to him. It is the biggest thrill in the world when I know with no uncertainty that he is in charge of me. My every breath is under his control. He is my lord and master, for that moment he is my god. Just the thought of it takes my breath away and leaves me starry eyed for this man who has learnt how to tame me and can do so whenever he chooses.


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My husband's control helps me feel submissive but...

Sometimes I rebel against my husband's control and my husband "helps" bring me into submission. But I think on a practical level if I constantly rebelled or had the need for his constant active control both in daily life or sexually, he would say that it is too much work to be in constant control of me as he works, enjoys the kids and generally lives life. I think you have to offer something freely.

submission and the love sick puppy.

I think I see submission as when the woman emotionally if not literally follows her husband around picking up his socks and actively looking for ways to please him like a love sick puppy. I do not want this for my relationship and nor does my husband. (I apologise in advance if my view of submission upsets anyone it is not meant to it is purely the way I see it as it relates to me and my life view.)

I am feisty but know where to draw the line. If he gives an order I obey. If he asks me to do something I generally will as I want to make him happy. I do not see why I should try to mind-read what he wants from me. If he doesn't say he wants something thing it is unlikely to happen.

We have a very playful relationship and I seem to spend a fair amount of time being chased around the house and garden by him. I also have some serious punishment spanking too if I overstep the mark. We are learning to make this relationship how we want it and generally it is working well for us.

At first I tried to fit into the submissive mould but it just did not work for us. It's much more fun now and his dominance gets actively exerted on a regular basis even if it is only in the guise of play. We have a way to go yet but his dominance is growing day by day which is great to see.


Being submissive

I actually love feeling submissve, but I don't feel that way unless my husband makes me. If he is very firm with me then I find myself reacting submissvely, I react to his dominance in a submissive manner even if I am in a really stroppy mood and not feeling at all co-operative, he simply makes me want to obey him by being forceful with me, it's an instinctive reaction which I find highly arousing.

The stricter he is with me the more submissve I feel, and the more sexually aroused I feel too, since the two things go together. I would love it if he was really strict with me all the time, as I would be on a sexual high all the time if he was, but I don't suppose it would be possible. it's exciting to think about though. Actually I should stop thinking about it, because he's just departed for foreign parts and won't be back for three weeks, so thinking about it is arousing me to no purpose.


bringing out submission

I think I feel very similar to you Louise. When he makes me feel under his control I feel completely relaxed and I adore him but that cannot be sustained without him exerting his control over me. So the reality is I do not feel submissive for the majority of the time.

Like most taken in hand women I really dislike the idea that one should feel submissive or at least aim to feel submissive all of the time. I spent a long time trying to achieve that and it put lots of pressure on myself and my husband. Now I've just relaxed into things and decided that is really not going to happen. Life is settling into what comes naturally for both of us and we are both happier this way and having much more fun.

Working hard at being submissive was just that. Work, for both of us, trying to maintain it because it what I thought we should be doing.


Why I like this site

This is why I like this site--because it's full of spunky women that would be a challenge to tame and control. Why would I want a woman that's a pushover when my ego's more than strong enough to deal with any woman, no matter how much she might buck and try to resist. What some guys forget is women's genes tell them they need a guy that can defend them. They need a guy that can say no and back it up with force if need be. Taken-in-hand's a different dynamic than acting dominance/submission roles. Love the posting, Sully. Don't morph into a submissive pushover. Despite what you read on some forums there's many guys like me that don't want a submissive pushover.


Finding the balance

Bill commented to Sully: "Don't morph into a submissive pushover. Despite what you read on some forums there's many guys like me that don't want a submissive pushover."

I have dated many strong, dominant men and enjoyed being 'difficult' so to speak, they seemed to relish the challenge. I have since married a strong, dominant man, my rock. However the dynamic of our relationship has changed over the years. I really want to please him and it gives me great pleasure to be available to him when he needs me. It doesn't 'feel right' to be constantly, or even frequently 'challenging' to him now. I'm too afraid/shy to ask if he thinks I've turned into a 'push-over'. How do I find the right balance?

I completely agree and feel t

I completely agree and feel the exact same way. Initial submission is only ONE way of many to get the ball rolling in that direction. If I had waited forever to be controlled I wouldn't have the things you just described.

I have them now, because he responded favorably to my submissive behavior. One can choose to behave in any way one wants. NOW I get forced quite often. He doesn't ask, he TAKES. But I think some women put the cart before the horse, expecting the relationship to just start this way.

And it doesn't always. Especially if you have a previous relationship dynamic in place. To change that dynamic, sometimes, even to get active control, one must submit a little. After all, I believe this dynamic is about meeting the needs of both parties.

Some men want to physically dominate all the time, period. But some, want occasional voluntary submission too.

Doesn't it depend on the individuals involved?

There's been alot of talk here about submitting first. Now Sully's saying she needs her man to take control first. This was discussed in a post on this site by Noone a good while ago. The post is here.

How we got to control

I had to initially go out of my way to please my husband to bring out his control. I think he's beginning to take the reins and be true to himself now, but I wouldn't have had that if I had not shown him what he could expect from me when he would take charge.

My first real discipline spanking was two nights ago. It really got my attention, yet I wondered if he would still have done it if I'd protested. When I brought this to him later he said he's to the point of saying, "You can have it now, or later, but if it's later, it's will be much worse." Boy did that send a thrill through me!

I'm sure at some point in the future I'll be resistant to discipline and we'll see if he will stand firm. I think he will. Don't get me wrong, I would never push him into it!!! I have enough things in my nature that get me into trouble all by themselves! LOL

I desire to know that no matter how much I protest he'll just take charge and show me who's in control.

A no-nonsense approach to headship helps but I try to please him

I'm a little torn on this one. In a sense I do want to be submissive because it makes our home more peaceful and tends to bring out a more assertive side of my husband. I don't equate being submissive with being a doormat. Submission, to me, involves complying with my husband's wishes and doing my best to avoid things he doesn't like or want me to do. All of that said, I find it much easier to put my heart into submitting when my husband is really asserting his authority. In other words, I try to please him regardless of whether he's controlling me or not, but take much more pleasure in it when he takes a no-nonsense approach to headship.

I do wish for some of the same things Sully mentions, but find it unlikely to play out like that most of the time in my own relationship. There are perhaps moments of that kind of control, but they are few and far between. I've decided I'm okay with that. What we've got seems to work.


Submissive--you are kidding right?

I am not submissive in any way either and I initially thought that I was doomed in a Taken In Hand relationship. Doom is not how things have ended up playing out.

He is just fine with who I am and does not want me to change in any manner. He says that if I change then I would not be the woman that he fell madly in love with. He maintains that if he wants something from me he will just take it--and he does! He leaves nothing to me but HE assumes all responsibility for controlling me.

This astonishingly, (to me anyway) has worked with us! When he just takes it I am (happily!) forced to comply!

This may sound like work for some people or it may sound like it can't be maintained but that is not how things are for us. We are still like newlyweds with one another! We are anxious to be together when we are apart and when we are together no matter what we are doing we are very happy and have so much fun! Given the fact that both of us have many responsibilities outside our relationship you would think that we would get weary, but not so. It rejuvenates us and keeps our love fresh and exciting!

I used to worry that I couldn't give him what he needed but with him just taking what he needs when he needs it and not expecting me to put on some fake persona we seem to have hit on the Taken In Hand jackpot.

Longing for more control

Lucy, are you sure you don't live at my house? I couldn't have said it better myself. If I had a choice, I would be in a relationship controlled by my husband. But, it is hard for him to tell me something to do—he asks. And when he does, I jump! He sees submission as the opposite of treating women with respect and like equals. (Sigh. It's not that at all!) I try to do what I know he likes, especially stuff he knows I hate—like cooking. But, proactive submission seems counterintuitive to me, and if I do something on my own (like cooking), it doesn't feel the same as if he tells me to do it. I have talked about this need for the past 2 years, and he is finally starting to control some stuff, but very very little and only stuff that I would do anyway. He's not *ever* going to make me do something I don't want to do. I'll never fully get to where I would prefer to be.

"He won't make me do anything I don't want to do"

Isn't it ironic that the above poster's husband won't make her do anything she doesn't want to do... except that he's making her live without the control she so desperately craves...

It's great that he thinks consent's important, but it's sad when a spouse won't try to find a way of giving the other spouse what s/he longs for. There's often a way to do things so that both get their needs met, you just have to think laterally until you come up with something.


It's a shame that her husband can't give her the control that she craves, but it can't be easy for a man who isn't wired for that kind of behaviour to try and do it. If he finds behaving like that unappealing then it must be very difficult to change.

I don't think he's making her live without control, it sounds like it is simply something that he is uncomfortable with. He can't help not being able to provide control, any more than she can help craving it. I hope they can somehow reach a state that is happy for both of them.


Persuading hesitant men by bratting

I realize many women here disdain the provocative charade of 'asking fot it', but it seems to me that staging a good old-fashioned 'battle of the sexes' (watch McClintock for inspiration) where mischief and sass give rise to a strict masculine response—warnings, threats and finally, when the misbehaviour contines, an OTK session—may open the door to the Taken In Hand dynamics you crave.

In many cases, men who 'just don't get it' have genuine qualms about taking control. It makes them feel punitive, unreasonable, paternalistic and authoritarian. But if they enjoy mock-combat and you have a flair for the dramatic, then a light-hearted drama where you brat and he takes you in hand may disarm his reservations. I know, I know. You want more than erotic play: that's why you've come to this website! But if you can make the sparks fly in playful dramas of defiance-and-taming, you just might start a bonfire for life.

play leading to spanking

This is one of the main things that got my husband turned on to spanking. We play a lot now the spanking following play are very mild but it gets/got him into the swing of things so to speak. This has gradually developed into him being more assertive and telling me when to stop certain behaviours.

If I feel the need for a more serious spanking I do ask now because if I don't the playful bratting can quite easily turn toxic.

I used to feel that if I ask then I have the control but it's not like that because during the spanking he has total control of how long, how hard and what with.


What you want is for your man

What you want is for your man to EARN your submission. In fact, unearned submission is a contradiction in terms. If the man doesn't command, what is there to obey? If he doesn't deserve, what is there to honor?

Submission is a temporary state—it has to be, or it has no meaning. If a woman submits to everyone and everything then she is merely broken as a person.

That is why, I think, there is this confusion about women calling themselves dominant when they actually submit to their man. This so-called dominance actually just makes her more submissive, because the contrast will be greater—but it takes a greater man to make her aware of it.

I agree

Submission for me is a temporary state and I like it that way. I tend to be obedient because it is easier that way. So far, I've not been asked to do something that deep down in my heart I know is the wrong thing for me to do. Everything so far I've judged to be for my own and our benefit.

If he wanted me or us to something that I was very against he would have to work hard to earn my submission. By that I mean make my need to please him and keep him happy greater that my desire not to do the particular thing. If I just did all that he asked all of the time my submission would have so little value it would be meaningless and not appreciated. I feel he would then possibly loose respect for me as I lost my value. I know I would loose respect for myself.

Good point!

Good point! I am not submissive all the time. I would not want him to be strict all the time, or force me all the time. I want him to consider my needs at the time and take me in hand gently. I respect him more when he indicates that he cares what I think and how I feel, yet I want him to take what he wants from me. It is a delicate balance, but I think it can be achieved. We are all different, with different needs. Each couple must find its own homeostasis.