I am an animal!

In our slow and fascinating journey towards a Taken In Hand relationship, we have made an interesting (and rather obvious) discovery.

Mr Lucky and I are both analytical people. I have a background in science and studied Zoology in college. Lately, I have been putting the same analytical thought process to our relationship that I used when studying animal behavior and have come to some interesting conclusions.

Most importantly: We humans are animals too. Duh!

I recently realized that I am fairly predictable as far as my feelings where dominance is concerned. When Mr Lucky behaves in a dominant manner, I basically swoon. My desire for him escalates, I feel so much more love and respect for him and I can’t even remember what it was that ever made me irritated with him. When Mr Lucky caves in to my demands or backs off when I push him, my feelings for him quickly sink to frustration and resentment, and I start to see flaws in him and his every step.

How can my feelings for the same person swing in such a manner? Am I just shallow? No! I am an animal. I have self awareness and the ability to analyze myself and the world around me, but on a very base level I am still governed by the same inate laws that other animals are governed by. Surprisingly, survival of the fittest still plays into my modern life in a very real way.

In studying dominance hierarchies in birds while I was in college, it was apparent that a dominance hierarchy was never static. Individuals with less dominance would often challenge individuals with more dominance in order to move up the ladder. Every interaction between individuals was a test to see who would come out on top. If the more dominant bird lost a challenge, he was more likely to lose more challenges and move down the chain of command.

One outcome of a male being higher in the hierarchy is often that of mating with a high ranking female. Females are most attracted to the most dominant male of the species. It is an inate part of most male-female animal dynamics. Female birds probably don’t analyze why they are more attracted to the most dominant males, but the result is that dominant males are statistically more fit than less dominant males and better able to provide food, shelter and protection than less fit males which usually results in reproductive success, survival of more offspring, and ultimately more genes passed on to the next generation.

I have come to the conclusion that I, too, am governed by these same principals. Perhaps in us Taken In Hand inclined women, these inate feelings are stronger or closer to the surface than in other women of our times.

I now realize that every interaction Mr Lucky and I have is in essence a test of our fitness. Like it or not, when I “win”, he diminishes himself on our dominance hiercharchy and I go up a rung. I never thought of it that way before. It makes me realize how important it is as we create our Taken In Hand relationship that base as it may be, he wins the vast majority of these interactions. And it clarifies why I can be feeling great about the direction of our Taken In Hand relationship one minute and then a few words later I am feeling frustrated and resentful.

I have been questioning why I want him to continually prove to both of us that he is dominant. But now these feelings make more sense to me. Especially in this biological context.

We have been struggling with the best ways for Taken In Hand to manifest itself in our relationship. Especially on how to establish his dominance in the first place. We know we both desire him to be the Head of our household, but how do we go about making that happen on a practical level? Now we realize that a good start really is as simple as him trying to “win” every challenge between us.

Yesterday, we were at our son’s soccer game and sitting on one side of the field. Partway through the game, Mr lucky said that at half-time he wanted to move to the other side of the field. I said “and leave me here all alone on this side?” and he replied “no, you’ll be coming with me”. I replied by saying “no”. And he said “okay” and we both stayed on the original side.

That put me in a funk. I really wanted him to push back and say, “You WILL be coming to the other side of the field with me.” That was when I realized that every little interaction is an unconscious test of his “fitness” and because he allowed me to “win” I was more fit than him in that instance.

You could argue that he was just being nice and listening to my desires, but he knows that I really didn’t feel a huge need to sit in one place or the other, so it would have been a relatively easy place for him to draw a line in the sand and show that he could dominate me if he wanted/needed to.

Of course I could have just said okay let’s move, but lately since we are still trying to swap positions in our relationship, so that he becomes head of household, these types of seemingly insignificant interactions have taken on a greater importance. Now I think we both understand why.

Simplistic as it seems, we both feel that looking at our relationship from an “animal” perspective has cast more light on the why’s of our desires and on what we need to do to establish his dominance and take our relationship to the next level.

Mrs Lucky

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Mrs. Lucky if you were here

Mrs. Lucky if you were here right now I'd kiss you!

Just this morning as my husband of twenty-eight years was driving me to work he asked what was wrong and I couldn't find the right words to express it. To tell you the truth, I had given up hope, for about the hundreth time, that our five year Taken in Hand relationship would ever move beyond the mecurial effects of daily life, now I have a better understanding why. Perhaps it's not suppose to.

Interestingly enough my husband gave a speech not long ago that included a joke about a lackluster student taking what he thought was an easy class in Ornithology. The final exam consisted of twenty-five pages of pictures of nothing but bird legs which the students were to identify. Not being able to identify a single one, the student gave up and turned in his exam. As he was leaving the Professor notice no name on the exam. When he stopped the student and asked what his name was the student promptly lifted his pant legs and said "I don't know sir, why don't you tell me."

After my husband reads your article, I think I'll take a cue from that student and from now on when my husband asks me what is wrong. I'll remind him by lifting my skirt and saying,
"I don't know you tell me."

Because as all Taken In Hand women know, having to explain it to our men just makes it worse.

Not to sound overly dramatic but my hope, or should I say my dedication to Taken In Hand is restored.

Thanks again for your brilliant insight Mrs. Lucky!


Reply to practicallyperfect

I'm so glad my post was helpful to you!

I love your husband's joke about the ornithology exam! I showed it to Mr Lucky too and I will probably do the same thing when he wonders why I'm in a sudden funk...

I know exactly what you mean about giving up hope. Our journey towards a Taken In Hand relationship has been much slower than I ever anticipated. It's been almost 2 years since I brought the subject up with Mr Lucky, and we've been sort of stuck in a state of limbo for quite some time. Actually, we're not really stuck but just moving in our desired direction at what seems like a glacial pace.

I have concluded that as much as I might want to, we can't really skip this stage of talking, analyzing and self reflection. Maybe it's because we've been together for so long, or maybe it's just our personalities, but there is too much at stake to risk blindly diving in and possibly damaging our relationship by not really understanding what we both want and need and how we want to best get there.

Every time we make another discovery about ourselves and how we tick or what we need, we get even closer to each other and the relationship we are trying to build together, and that is really the whole point. Don't you think?

I imagine it might be the same with you and your husband.

Good luck!

I totally agree / relate to

I totally agree / relate to this.

I discovered my nature in a profound and fantastic experience with what I now recognize as a dominant male. Over the course of a week, an entire dimension of my sexuality was brought to the forefront of my awareness without having ever known it existed previously. Before that experience, I felt guilt over abstract feelings I wasn’t entirely aware of. Afterwards, I not only felt liberated from the guilt but JUSTIFIED in my desires. Actually, the TRUE moment lasted about 30 seconds. My experiences there very much reflect what you wrote in your post, Mrs Lucky, but I don't want to get too graphic here.

Suffice it to say, recognition of male dominance relative to other suitors played a big role in my formative experiences as well as his dominance relative to me. Either one is attractive—but both together in a really clear, mature display is mind numblingly sexy, IMO.

Lets hope Mr Lucky takes a more commanding role.

Its nice to see you're ready to be tamed, trained, controlled, and made to heel. I think your husband needs to do as he pleases and take as much control as he wants. We live in a society which brings up men in a manner to take into account women's decisions causing to cut back on male authority. Hopefully he will read this and put you in your place all the time.

Testing the man

Men need to understand when a woman's request is genuine and when it's a test. Women will test men until they pass the test, or the woman leaves.

A man may see his wife as nagging and capricious and ultimately infuriating. He may feel his efforts to please her are never enough and her demands capricious and ever-changing. Meanwhile she, possibly subconsciously, sees herself as generously offering her man more and more opportunities to prove himself a real man.

A way to pass the test is to stand up to the woman and say "no".

A woman wants a protector and a provider so the two cardinal sins in a man are weakness and disloyalty. Both will trigger revulsion. Most other flaws will be overlooked. When a woman tests a man she is testing his strength and loyalty. Is he strong enough to stand up to her? Will he leave rather than fight for her? I am continually surprised at how much women will put up with provided neither of the cardinal sins is involved, be it drudgery or domestic violence.

Of course another way a man can pass the test is to stand up to others. A man who gets up in the middle of the night when burglars break in and whacks them on the head with a baseball bat isn't going to be nagged for anything when he gets back to bed!


Women do not really care about disloyalty. Otherwise they would not be flocking to players and cads.


Zephyr, Marcus is absolutely right. Weakness and disloyalty are indeed the cardinal sins.

Silly little women who are bored with their lives and boring husbands/boyfriends will flock to bad boys just to get some excitement in their lives, but if a woman is with a good, take-charge man, this is not necessary. She has all the excitement she wants at home and so has he. No need for disloyalty on both sides.

The truth in what you wrote

Mrs. Lucky,

What you have written is very true.

No woman, deep down, can respect a man who rolls over, who will not stand up for himself, or is a complete wuss.

Whether you are a Taken In Hand wife or Gloria Steinem this is a universal truth.

Joseph K