In our slow and fascinating journey towards a Taken In Hand relationship, we have made an interesting (and rather obvious) discovery.
Mr Lucky and I are both analytical people. I have a background in science and studied Zoology in college. Lately, I have been putting the same analytical thought process to our relationship that I used when studying animal behavior and have come to some interesting conclusions.
Most importantly: We humans are animals too. Duh!
I recently realized that I am fairly predictable as far as my feelings where dominance is concerned. When Mr Lucky behaves in a dominant manner, I basically swoon. My desire for him escalates, I feel so much more love and respect for him and I can’t even remember what it was that ever made me irritated with him. When Mr Lucky caves in to my demands or backs off when I push him, my feelings for him quickly sink to frustration and resentment, and I start to see flaws in him and his every step.
How can my feelings for the same person swing in such a manner? Am I just shallow? No! I am an animal. I have self awareness and the ability to analyze myself and the world around me, but on a very base level I am still governed by the same inate laws that other animals are governed by. Surprisingly, survival of the fittest still plays into my modern life in a very real way.
In studying dominance hierarchies in birds while I was in college, it was apparent that a dominance hierarchy was never static. Individuals with less dominance would often challenge individuals with more dominance in order to move up the ladder. Every interaction between individuals was a test to see who would come out on top. If the more dominant bird lost a challenge, he was more likely to lose more challenges and move down the chain of command.
One outcome of a male being higher in the hierarchy is often that of mating with a high ranking female. Females are most attracted to the most dominant male of the species. It is an inate part of most male-female animal dynamics. Female birds probably don’t analyze why they are more attracted to the most dominant males, but the result is that dominant males are statistically more fit than less dominant males and better able to provide food, shelter and protection than less fit males which usually results in reproductive success, survival of more offspring, and ultimately more genes passed on to the next generation.
I have come to the conclusion that I, too, am governed by these same principals. Perhaps in us Taken In Hand inclined women, these inate feelings are stronger or closer to the surface than in other women of our times.
I now realize that every interaction Mr Lucky and I have is in essence a test of our fitness. Like it or not, when I “win”, he diminishes himself on our dominance hiercharchy and I go up a rung. I never thought of it that way before. It makes me realize how important it is as we create our Taken In Hand relationship that base as it may be, he wins the vast majority of these interactions. And it clarifies why I can be feeling great about the direction of our Taken In Hand relationship one minute and then a few words later I am feeling frustrated and resentful.
I have been questioning why I want him to continually prove to both of us that he is dominant. But now these feelings make more sense to me. Especially in this biological context.
We have been struggling with the best ways for Taken In Hand to manifest itself in our relationship. Especially on how to establish his dominance in the first place. We know we both desire him to be the Head of our household, but how do we go about making that happen on a practical level? Now we realize that a good start really is as simple as him trying to “win” every challenge between us.
Yesterday, we were at our son’s soccer game and sitting on one side of the field. Partway through the game, Mr lucky said that at half-time he wanted to move to the other side of the field. I said “and leave me here all alone on this side?” and he replied “no, you’ll be coming with me”. I replied by saying “no”. And he said “okay” and we both stayed on the original side.
That put me in a funk. I really wanted him to push back and say, “You WILL be coming to the other side of the field with me.” That was when I realized that every little interaction is an unconscious test of his “fitness” and because he allowed me to “win” I was more fit than him in that instance.
You could argue that he was just being nice and listening to my desires, but he knows that I really didn’t feel a huge need to sit in one place or the other, so it would have been a relatively easy place for him to draw a line in the sand and show that he could dominate me if he wanted/needed to.
Of course I could have just said okay let’s move, but lately since we are still trying to swap positions in our relationship, so that he becomes head of household, these types of seemingly insignificant interactions have taken on a greater importance. Now I think we both understand why.
Simplistic as it seems, we both feel that looking at our relationship from an “animal” perspective has cast more light on the why’s of our desires and on what we need to do to establish his dominance and take our relationship to the next level.