How to find out if a man wants a Taken in Hand relationship

Here are some things to keep in mind if you sre a single woman searching for a man who might want a Taken In Hand relationship -

First, looking for men who seem to be natural leaders is definitely a good start. Don't confuse pushiness for strength, however—look for men who people follow because they trust him as a leader, not because he is simply in a position of authority and doesn't let them forget it. Taken in Hand women seem to seek strong men, not just people who like having power... If that's true for you, make sure you know the difference.

Don't think that a lack of pushiness equates to a lack of desire for consensual control in an intimate relationship. Especially in modern Western society, men have to be very careful to avoid being seen as "pushy" for professional reasons as well as romantic ones. As male dominance is so frowned on, a man could very well be Taken in Hand material and simply not realize it.

Old-fashioned chivalry is a good indicator as well. It is becoming somewhat unacceptable to do things like open doors for women... and so a man who does such things anyway is effectively saying "I don't care what society says, I treat ladies like ladies." For those who enjoy that dynamic this kind of chivalry is something to look for.

See if he'll make the first move, while encouraging him. You'll need to strike a balance here if you want to find out how much of a take-charge kind of guy your prospective partner is. You should err on the side of caution here, however—if you want him to make the first move all the time and don't let him know that you are interested in him, he will very likely take that as a sign of disinterest and move on.

Ask for his advice. A man who is suitable for a Taken in Hand relationship will be happy to help someone they care about work out the tough problems in their life. It's perfectly acceptable to ask a friend or companion for advice, and this will also likely be a turn on for the guy if he really is interested in a Taken in Hand relationship.

Be cheerfully deferential at least once in a while, and see how he reacts to that! If Taken In Hand really is his thing, you should see some kind of positive reaction... although it may take a few tries.

So there you go! That's all the advice I can think of at the moment. Feel free to add more, or ask a question if you're curious about something.


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and go by his actions, not his words

First, thank you Nathaniel, wonderful advice :)

The one big thing I might add, speaking from my own recent experience, is to watch how the man actually acts and behaves, rather than pay attention to what he may say he desires. Your advice to watch how others view him is excellent...because if others respect him, then it is likely that he is what he says he is.

I had a brief relationship with someone who seemed to be the picture of a Taken In Hand man...he said he wanted to lead, that it was a man's duty to lead his family, that he wanted to make the decisions, etc.

I let my heart lead my head and ignored the fact that at every opportunity, his actions showed the complete opposite. From small things such as always stating "whatever you want" when I would ask where he wanted to have dinner to bigger and far more troublesome things such as lacking funds to pay a dinner bill (leaving me to pay after his credit card had been rejected!). My family and friends thought he was wonderful, but I was carefully hiding these issues because I wanted him to be the man he said he was.

And when I finally let some logic into my brain, I found out that he was not at all who he said he was and had run away from his wife and children in another state (and was still married)...because the responsibility was too much for him! While there were obviously issues with him far beyond the Taken In Hand aspects, the big lesson I've taken away from that for myself is that a true Taken In Hand man will follow-up his words with his actions.

It doesn't matter if your date tells you he wants to lead, it only matters if he actually leads! In this case, had I listened to my own instinct and my head, I would have seen that rather than relish the leadership role, this man was avoiding it with all his might.

Wondering about my new guy...

Thanks for the advice Nathaniel and Amy, you are correct in your statement to "see if he actually leads."

A few months ago, I met a guy online and we have talked for about 6 months. He is wonderful in my eyes and although both of us were out of a relationship and both extremely hurt and disullisioned by them, we started off as good friends. As I unloaded my baggage on him, thinking surely he would run for the hills, he didn't. Instead, I got the sweetest email of how he imagines protecting me, doing things together and then he stated, to be the boss, but not controlling. That sentence I read over and over. It was prior to me getting on this site and I wasn't sure what he meant by that. So we have discussed it and he stated that he believes in a male-led relationship where he will make major decisions. That also stopped me a little because unfortunately the men I picked before were not strong, I was forced to be the leader at home too. Which sucked by the way...and raised my girls. I think it is more from a religious stand point but after stumbling on to this site, I truly wondered if he had been here before. Since he is easy to talk to and so far is supportive of any mini crisis that I have had, I just asked him if he had heard of this. He stated, "No, I haven't." And, I believe him. Now, we tease about it. He is a few hours away at school and I am forced to leave him alone so he can study. But on the telephone it may be late and he will say, "Aren't you sleepy?" and of course I am but I tend to play on the computer too much. And he said, "Go to bed, that's an order!" I laughed and then thought wow...what a turn on.

When we met in person, he knew how fragile mentally I was (from my horrible marriage that had ended a few months prior...where mental abuse was involved) and literally took both my hands and said, "Come here, don't be scared" and just held me. It was awesome to see that his email wasn't just words of protection, he truly seemed protective for hours.

Our journey has just begun and I have no idea if he is a Taken In Hand kind of guy or me either for that matter, although we do laugh and tease about the spankings. Which by the way, turns us both on but haven't tried it yet.

The qualities of a good old-fashioned kind of guy are wonderful. Am I co-dependent? Yes, I think I am but to be dependent on this kind of man, I refuse to go get help! ;)

Less Than Subtle

Then, there is the always not so subtle hint—such as the one dropped several decades ago.

At the time, our children were young and I was perusing works from authors such as Beatrix Potter, Shelly Silverstein, or Maurice Sendak in one of those charming old houses converted into a bookstore for children when a quite attractive young woman sauntered beside me and seductively invoked, "I was spanked as a child."

I replied something to the effect that I was married with children and that, as they say, ended that.

Pay attention to the little things

When trying to decide if I should trust a man in a taken in hand relationship, I tune in to the little things. How does he speak to and about his mother? How does he treat waitresses and cashiers, especially when the service is poor? Is he respectful of his secretary and the cleaning lady at work? How does he respond when I point out an extremely minor, and easily correctable error he made? Not that I'm nit picking for the sake of nit picking, but I'm watching his reaction, does he handle it with humor or does he get defensive? How does he correct others who have made serious mistakes? Can he correct others while preserving the relationship, or does he wind up infuriating them? How does he deal with conflict in a professional setting? Especially conflict that arises out of a personality mismatch? A natural leader does not send another woman or his buddies to "feel me out" before approaching me and asking for a date, nor does he sulk and tell someone else he's "hurt" if I turn him down. He does not use personal compliments inappropriately, it may be fine to comment on my "pretty blue eyes", but not when I'm trying to make a professional point that he wants to side step. He's not afraid to just tell me he can't or won't do what I want, or he can do it, but not yet.

Good advice

I think Nathaniel's made a lot of good points. I'm especially interested in what he says about asking for advice, because I'm often asked for advice, and am always offering it! Seriously, I often find myself in that position, somehow, and love giving people advice. I do this with both men and women but it's more often women for some reason (possibly just because where I work, we're about 65% women), and I've realised giving advice to women gives me a particular emotional reward. It's not about sex in the crude sense; I'm not trying to get inside these girls' pants at all. But I think it is about sex in a deeper, psychological sense, and I also think it's related to my need to control a woman.

So if I'm in any way typical, I agree a man's response to this may indicate something.