How to avoid making your life with your wife a living hell

The biggest problem that I have encountered over the decades in understanding Taken in Hand has been the failure of men to comprehend that women have two natures.

To understand the dual nature of a woman, one might begin by reading the children's tale of Saint George and the Dragon with the insight that the dragon and the maiden are one in same creature. Thus, if the knight in shining armor fails to slay the dragon, this aspect of a woman's personality will, most likely, become the dominant persona in the relationship.

Women really do understand their duality much better than do men. It is part of their mystique. They also have a very keen understanding of what it takes to slay the Dragon Lady within that beguiling façade.

In today's world, one need not search diligently to find dragon ladies. These most unfeminine creatures seem to be everywhere. Usually, they leave a string of wrecked relationships in their path as they move from one calamity to another.

Another problem encountered by most men in today's superficial and fast-paced society is that they often lack the insight necessary to understand why some marriages are rock-solid, while others crumble like sandcastles at high tide.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I had an impromptu conversation with a woman young enough to be our daughter. Apparently intrigued by how my wife and I interacted, she asked us how long we had been married.

When we told her how long we had been together, she was obviously shocked. She signed, "They don't build marriages like that any more." I assured her that marriages can still be built the old-fashioned way, to last.

In response, the young woman admitted that she had been through three rotten marriages – as well as several boyfriends in between. She freely added that she had a reputation of being hard on men.

Real problems develop when a man does not know how to handle a difficult woman. To be sure, while some men can become tyrants, a more common problem is timid men. Despite propaganda to the contrary, women still despise weak men.

In truth, nature did not intend men and women to live in promiscuous and transient relationships. Nature is not a neutral; she has an agenda.

While not everyone should have children, the intent of Taken in Hand relationships is to produce a stable environment in which to raise viable offspring.

It is also important to understand that this strategy has been going on for so long, that it is probably embedded in the interaction of the genes.

The above interaction may explain why, when the right man comes along, even a strong-willed woman develops an irrational urge to be taken in hand. As was the case with my future wife, it has happened to teenage virgins as well as to women with a failed marriage or two in their past.

An equally important component in the failure of men to come to grips with reality is often politically correct brainwashing. The propaganda often causes men to think that they should never 'hit' a woman.

Women know they can be hit and, if a man listens, women will all but tell a man exactly where - if not when. Part of the misunderstanding of the intrensic difference between men and women results from misguided social engineers creating a legal menagerie in which verbal abuse is permitted while any 'unwanted touching' is treated as an unpardonable transgression. Again, women know better.

Privately, most women admit there are those times when they need to be taken in hand. Sometimes, they will state it quite explicitly. More often, there are indirect references.

As one professional woman recently told me, again after she found out how long my wife and I had been married, "I'll bet you can be very persuasive!" The inflection of her voice left little doubt what she meant.

Consequently, it is important for men to understand that, if they listen carefully, a woman will tell a man everything he needs to know about taking her in hand. Believe it or not, a woman in love wants the love of her life to take charge, as my wife calls it.

There are no deep-dark secrets to Taken in Hand. All the woman wants to know is whether or not she is important enough for him to care enough to take her in hand when needed.

Despite any testing - and women do test men to assure themselves of the man's resolve - a woman needs to know that the man will be there for her when she needs him to either slay her dragon or otherwise protect her. That is why a woman's repudiation of a weak man is far more visceral than it is cerebral.

Fourth, it is important to understand that men and women make their relationships. Nothing is handed to them. They must work at it.

One of the dumbest mistakes that a man can make is in failing to listen to what a woman is really telling him about love and life. Women don't bring up the Taken in Hand topic unless they are really interested in a guy and they expect him to act on their expectation.

Wise men listen. Wiser men act on what they have heard. Only a fool says, "No!" to both nature and woman. Then, many men have turned their life into a living hell by not raising their hand when they should have taken their wives in hand and spanked them.

Noone

Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
She wants him to prevail
Taken In Hand is nothing to do with patriarchy
Why being married beats playing the pickup game
The Committed Marriage
An overview of Taken In Hand
How my mousy man became a lion
Woman whisperer
The carrot or the stick?
A question of commitment - will he be there when she needs him?
Watch what she does, not what she says

2009 Jun 10 - 18:57 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Thank you for understanding...

The one thing I think irritates most men that I've encountered is the need to test. Men become irritated by this early testing, when they really shouldn't, in my opinion, because it is crucial for me to know the man won't cave in. If he gives in, gives way, or does anything other than hold his ground... what am I supposed to do? Be glad of it? No. I become disappointed, and then I need to find a way out, quickly or slowly, depending on how attached to him I feel.

If I feel very attached, but I know he's not what I'm looking for, I can hold on for a long time, making his life, as you say, Noone, a living hell. It's incredibly hard sometimes to give up on a guy you really see potential in, and it's really hard to accept that some men will never be what you're looking for. This is why women do what you're talking about--making it so hard for men. Instead of doing what we should do, i.e., walk away, we stay, pushing, pushing, pushing, in the hopes we can turn this guy into what we really, really want.

I've seen men do the same thing with women, though, so I know it's not just women who do this. It can be very hard to give up on someone even though you know you should. I did this for 20+ years of a marriage that I should have ended before it began, so I learned this lesson, albeit imperfectly. This is why I'm so determined to 'test' correctly next time around, and weed out the ones who cannot stand up to me long before I ever make a commitment again.
gunnalison-at-gmail.com

by pericles on 2009 Jun 10 - 18:13 | reply to this comment

Wise words

thank you Noone

by Erwin on 2009 Jun 10 - 18:53 | reply to this comment

How To Avoid Making YOUR Life A Living Hell

Quite simply, DON'T cling to the life you THOUGHT you may have had.

Yeah, preach to the choir, state the obvious, steer away from poison, and all that rot. But, I AM a control freak, and it IS difficult to end a relationship with a woman who SEEMS like she is ideal.

Basically, if a relationship FEELS wrong, it most likely IS wrong. If you have to FORCE it, it is WRONG, REGARDLESS of how you feel about it.

A relationship SHOULD feel COMFORTABLE **WITHOUT** the need to throw on AIRS. If you sense the need to be DECEPTIVE, then THAT relationship MUST be REPLACED or TERMINATED without consideration.

ANY relationship which REQUIRES misrepresentation or dishonesty WILL bring discontent. MOST unsuccessful relationships BECOME unsuccessful due to dishonesty. One person in the partnership FAILS the relationship when dishonesty is chosen.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2009 Jun 11 - 02:43 | reply to this comment

I now see the compassion in the Taken In Hand relationship

I've been reading this site for a while.

I had a friend introduce it to me as her ideal relationship style. When I had my initial distasteful reaction, she shortly afterwards rejected me totally. Since then I've just been stuck on the sidelines of her life.

I've read this entire website in between now and then. Many articles multiple times.

I really have come to see the compassion that lies at the heart of all of this.

I'm just kind of lost though.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2009 Jun 11 - 17:24 | reply to this comment

Wise words, Mike...

The ones that start with "if only I'd known better," and end with "live and learn". Oh, and throw in "sadder but wiser..."

by pericles on 2009 Jun 11 - 21:23 | reply to this comment

DING the light bulb goes on...

Noone, I have to admire the eloquence of your article here. I have been a man who has gone from one failed relationship to another. I finally understand why... I am by nature a take-charge man who as been programmed by society to be someone other then who I truly am. For so long ive blamed the women in my life for why the relationships failed and only now do I understand it was not they who failed me, it was I who failed them by not being true to myself and listening to what they were trying to tell me.

by RogueLion on 2009 Jun 16 - 07:49 | reply to this comment

pericles

Among the things that I have discovered - both in our marriage and in conversations with other women - is that taking a woman in hand breaks the *lockhorn's* bickering cycle.

Couples in bad marriages feed off each other. Women are especially adept at verbal sniping. Some men learn to also do this from their mothers - or their wives - and reciprocate. The result is a vicious cycle of one-ups-manship.

When a woman knows that a man will spank, she is more inclined to listen. In turn, he is less disposed to *protect his manhood* from her carping.

With their defenses down, they are more inclined to work toward a mutually agreeable solution to problems in their marriage or with their children.

by Noone on 2009 Jun 17 - 13:32 | reply to this comment

RogueLion

Nature never intended men and women to compete - much less infight with one another in a monogamous relationship. Rather, the intent was to produce a stable and harmonious environment in which to raise children.

It does not matter so much whether or not a couple has children - or whether they even want them. It is more important that they understand the design.

Despite living a so-called *modern* world, our brains are still very much geared to a more primitive age. Thus, women still seek out men able to protect them and their children.

Although many women will claim such decisions are merely a *choice* of *lifestyle*, the reality is more visceral - originally determining survival of family, or even species.

Even before the institution of marriage evolved into the formalism we inherited from our ancestors, women had to find men able both to impregnate them with desirable seed as well as defend them against potential threats - whether natural or manmade.

Since there were no real dragons against which a woman could send a potential suitor, she had to become one in order to test the man. If he could break down her defenses, then he might be a likely candidate.

The seminal issue was not whether the man was bigger or stronger than the woman. That was a given. The real question was whether he was sufficiently interested in her to take the time to do to tame the beast within!

The need to test also explains why women love attention. Women want - even need - a man who will be there for her. Women want a man they cannot run off, turn off, or blow off!

Today, while women may have different criteria - such as being able to support her financially rather than be a skilled hunter - the ages old *tests of manhood* are still part of the selection process. Consequently, those relationships most likely to fail are those in which the woman chose a mate based on more frivolous criteria.

Women are seldom going to tell men what they expect. That is part of the test.

Moreover, a woman may not even understand her basic motivations in trying a man's patience. She merely feels the urge to push the limits.

Conversely, some women are quite aware of what they are doing. In order to test a man's mettle, a woman may provoke a man into *hitting* her! A failure to appropriately spank her buttocks quickly identifies abusive tyrants as well as timid souls.

Now, anyone doubting the instinctive origins of female testing can begin with a simple test of their own. Try asking women - especially young single women - what is the one thing that a boyfriend or date can do that she will *never* forgive him for doing.

Believe it or not, the *unpardonable sin* for a young woman is not rape - although it can be quite symptomatic of the principal criteria. Although it may take a few hints and secondary probings for a more innocent woman to arrive at a final decision - her answer usually boils down to some variation of *a failure to protect*.

Let a man put his safety above hers - such as in a life-threatening situation - and she will never want to see him again! Women despite cowards. That one really is in their genes.

Because couples marry at different stages of their relationship, the woman's testing may not end at the altar. It is only after suitable testing - when a woman really believes that she can trust a man - that she will give herself wholly to him.

by Noone on 2009 Jun 17 - 13:40 | reply to this comment

Noone, you are so right.

This is the bottom line, this is what all testing comes down to: will you be there for me when the going gets rough, and in my life, there have been some damned rough moments. I almost died in childbirth, for one thing, and yet I was the one 'taking care of' my significant other at the time. What you want in those most vulnerable moments is the man with the heart of a lion who will defend you with his last breath, yet who is also strong enough to stand up to you when it's necessary. Someone who knows himself well enough to know that a little thing like you isn't going to be able to faze him. ;-)

A woman never forgets the moments when she is most vulnerable and yet has to be strong for both people. This is why the testing goes on and on. The response I'm looking for is "I will not fail you." I heard this once in my life, from my father, and never ever felt I had to test him again (even though he was not infallible). I haven't found the man who can replace him yet. Still looking. ;-)
gunnalison-at-gmail.com

by pericles on 2009 Jun 19 - 17:13 | reply to this comment

Noone you are so atuned to women

Noone, I am always amazed by your total understanding of women. Were you born with this understanding or is it something you developed over time through your observations of your wife and your relationship? Above all we girls want to feel loved, cherished and protected by our men. This is why our HOHs must be take charge men who are first comfortable in their own skins to truly be able to lead us. I thank God I found my HOH while I was still very young. He continues to be fascinated by the fact that I recognized that in him immediately in our relationship. I guess because I was also blessed to have a take charge yet gentle, kind and loving father. I love being a girl and the men in my life love and promote that also.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2009 Jul 24 - 20:06 | reply to this comment

Learned From Experience

Every male has the capacity to understand a female. The trick is to discover that potential and create something positive - such as a long lasting marriage - as opposed to achieving more selfish ends.

I have no reason to believe that I was born with any more insights into the mind of women than any other male. Growing up, I made my share of blunders with the opposite sex.

Understanding women is a gradual process that can only be learned by taking the time and investing the energy to successfully live with one woman for decades.

As with many things in life, men cannot master the subject by taking a course or from reading a book. The only way to grasp the material is to jump in and learn from one's mistakes.

At the same time, I enjoyed two advantages absent in the typical male experience today. I grew up in an age:

* when it was understood that women could be - sometimes should be - spanked.

* before sex and spanking became hopelessly intertwined.

Both in school and in the military, I was a *straight arrow* - even before that label was invented. My primary interests were *guy things* - such as aircraft, outdoors, and sports. Girlfriends and marriage were very low on my list of things to do.

It was not until after I began dating my future wife that I even began trying to understand women. Even then, it was initially quite superficial. Rather naively, I was expecting things to magically *work out* by themselves.

The first few years of a floundering marriage completely rearranged my priorities. Marital failure was not an option for either of us. If anything, this desperation inspired understanding. Answering questions asked by our children also encouraged acquiring insights.

by Noone on 2009 Jul 28 - 11:27 | reply to this comment

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