How my husband set me free

It was my wonderful husband who made me to open my eyes and see how a Taken In Hand relationship would be everything I ever wanted, but at the time didn't realize it and would have fought to the death before it would happen. He changed me from being ardent feminist extremist in almost every sense of the word to a much more submissive woman in just one evening. Although, I am an agnostic, to me, it was a born-again experience. Nothing like this has ever changed me to such an extent as far as I can remember, nor has anything been as liberating. He showed me how such a relationship could work, although at the time we didn't have words for it other than him being the head of the household. He was the one who convinced me, after about 3 years into our relationship, that that was what he needed and that that was what I wanted. At the time, I was extremely anti-male-head of the household in any relationship and always adamantly resisted any attempt on his part (or for that matter any man or woman) to "infringe on my rights" or so I felt at the time. For all I was concerned at the time, I would first die single and alone before any of THAT would ever happen.

It turns out that his favorite cousin came to visit one night with his wife and teenage daughter, and my hubby and his cousin talked religion all night. As an agnostic, I tried to keep my mouth shut and was successful for many hours; however, at one point, I just couldn't take it any longer. His cousin said he was "sexist" and that he thought a man should be the head of the household in a marriage. I tried to get the opinion of my hubby, whom I felt should be on my side, and he made it be known that he agreed with his cousin. At the time I didn't realize it, but his cousin just believed that most people would consider him sexist with his opinions the way they are. I felt angry and betrayed, so hubby and I got into a huge fight, and I told him that I wanted a divorce as I couldn't live with such a chauvenistic, sexist man who thought so little of me and of women in general. Well, needless to say, I made an arse out of myself because I misunderstood the meaning behind what they were saying. I thought it was only a one-way street with the man getting all the glory and the woman putting up with all the crap for the good of the man and that the woman didn't get anything out of it. I "thought" my hubby had turned into a total a--hole.

Well, after I cooled off somewhat and his cousin left, I felt terrible, betrayed, wronged, etc. I thought that he should have taken up for me and not let someone sit on my deck and exclaim that they were sexist. At the time, it felt comparable to the scene of a mixed-race (1 black and 1 white) couple with the white person's white cousin over and him saying he himself was racist with the white husband not only NOT taking up for his black wife, but agreeing with the cousin!. That was how it felt. It was terrible, absolutely terrible. I loved this man so much, and yet, here it was; we were going to split. I was heartbroken.

Later in the evening, he came to me and said he wanted someone who would recognise him as the head of the household and who is also a Christian. Being too tore up to do anything else, I agreed to let him be the head of the household and that I would try to be a Christian, even though I didn't believe. I felt like crap and that I would have to contemplate how I would end up leaving this jerk later when I could handle everything emotionally no matter how much I loved him. I went upstairs to sit alone and read a book we had about divorce when he came to me and told me to come to bed with him. Something told me to go while I was sitting there trying to read through all the stress and tears. That was when the life-changing moment happened. As we lay in our bed, he held me in his arms and enabled me to really feel how much he loved me and explained to me how he could give me the comforts and love that I always needed as a woman by allowing him to be the head of the household as a man, and what his responsibilities would be. He melted my heart and got to the core of my broken self allowing me to realize that that was the key to love, real love. He showed me how I have been unhappy and fighting myself and my very desires based on what I have learned from society as a whole, which had been leading me to being agitated and angry with men, and also in turn made me start many arguments with him. He showed me what real love is. I have never been the same since. He is truly a wonderful man, and he has set me free.


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Religion in marriage

Peach—It sounds like your marriage is working beautifully for both of you. Congratulations. I'm curious, though, if you became a Christian for your husband. I've always wondered what I'd do if I my partner was religious, since I'm agnostic. I could go to church or temple, but I couldn't make myself believe in a creed for someone else's sake. Have you come to some kind of compromise on this?

Obedience in disbelief

No. When I told him that I would "try" to become a Christian, since that is what he wanted, I was grasping at straws at the time and really meant that I would just be more tolerant of his belief and that if he wanted me to pretend I was a Christian (as in going to church, keeping quiet about how I feel), then I would, not that it is possible to actually change the way that I feel or change my beliefs on the inside. He could have my body, my actions and my words, but what is on the inside, only I can possess. The interesting thing is that I was a Christian when he married me and had been ever since I can remember (I'm 33 now) until about a year and a half ago.

I never got that "born-again" experience in anything except for in what happened between my husband and myself. My tolerance and respect for what he believes and going along with his wishes is a sort of compromise, although it gives me more joy to make him happy than it does to be a "do-it-yourselfer" and make myself happy. It doesn't feel like a compromise, especially since I want everything to be the way he wants them. Jokingly, sometimes my hubby will say to me (since I'm agnostic) "Since you had that born-again experience and you look to me for guidance, then I guess I'm kind of like your god."......and I say "yes".