How long does it take to adjust to Taken In Hand?

My husband and I have been exploring this dynamic for more than three years, now, and we still have lots of room to grow into it.

The thing is, that there are hundreds—even thousands—of changes in thought, speech, and behavior that occur for each of you when you compare where you started to where you want to be. I just don't think it's possible to do it all at once, and when you try to and fail, you get disappointed. (I remember doing that.)

My opinion is that it's best to begin with the end as a goal but choose one small behavior to change. Once you get that down, keep it and add another. If I recall, I started with using more respectful language towards my husband (please, thank you, may I...) and it was really surprising to me how discourteous I had been to him, I rarely used those words at all. It was a change he noticed immediately and it reminded him that we were trying to change together. I think it did a lot to help convince him I was serious and gave him confidence to be more assertive with me.


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Learning Together

Thank you, Mia. This sounds a lot like our situation with regards to me treating him poorly and not realizing it and him learning to be more assertive with me about it. I also tend to be worse after he has been gone on travel for a while, which we have both noticed and commented on to each other. He came home yesterday from a trip and explained that he is still trying to figure out how to handle all of this. Then we talked about some of my negative behaviors while he was gone and he gave me what he called a "reminder" to behave more appropriately. I admit though that it didn't really hurt this time and wasn't that red after or even sting at all. The first time it was pretty red and stung and so I had a rather constant reminder with me for the next two days and was a perfect wife. Is spanking effective if it only lasts as long as the actual act?

Confused Wife


My husband and I didn't have any difficulty adjusting, we seemed to fall into this way of relating to each other quite naturally. it probably helped that my husband is naturally quite bossy anyway, and he was used to spanking me. It seemed to be quite easy.

But we had relatively modest ideas about what Taken In Hand could do for us, and perhaps that helped. Neither of us expected everything to be perfect.

As far as respect goes, my personal experience is that men too can be disrespectful. Before Taken In Hand, my husband quite frequently used to talk to me like I was something the cat dragged in, whereas this is quite a rare occurence nowadays. I think we have become more respectful and more thoughtful towards each other.


Thank you Mia for reminding m

Thank you, Mia, for reminding me it takes time to develop a Taken in Hand relationship.

My husband believes in taking things slow and that's good, although frustrating for me. I had been reding the articles on this site for over a year before I approached him last March. He was and is all for a Taken in Hand marriage, thank God! However he seems to quickly get comfortable with the current intensity level we are at and doesn't seek to invoke or make any changes on his own. Sometimes I question his commitment especially when I mess up and he doesn't catch it. It's me who is always seeking to move the relationship forward. This makes me feel like the wind in the sails and the hand at the wheel. Ugh! His answers when we discuss this is and I quote, "It takes time to overcome a life time of training and oppression." I've tried to get him to read on his own (when we have time we do occasionally read together) or seek advice on this site, but he is reluctant to put himself online and risk exposure as he is a public figure in our community.

It's good to know you and your husband have been working at this for three years, it gives me hope. I am curious, besides the modifications to language what other changes have you made to encourage him?

How long it takes to adjust...

I think it's pretty clear it takes some people longer to adjust to a Taken In Hand lifestyle. Here in this thread, you can see the fundamental problems that prevent an easy transition into Taken In Hand. There is ego to overcome, resistance to change, the desire both people might have to be "right." These are all powerful disincentives to make Taken In Hand work. It seems to me what has to happen first, before you can move into a Taken In Hand marriage, or significant partnership, is that both people must work on themselves, individually, striving to eradicate this pernicious desire to have things all their own way. Respect for someone stems from appreciation, and it's my opinion that to be able to appreciate someone else, you must first possess gratitude and humility. Without either of these, I just don't see how it's possible to attain the honest intimacy that Taken In Hand requires.

The original writer may be as

The original writer may be asking the wrong question. The real question should have been: How long does it take to adjust to marriage?

For example, exploring the dynamics of *Taken in Hand* may not be the same being committed to one's choice of partner. Many times, people enter into marriage with numerous misconceptions.

One is the quirky assumption that if this *relationship* does not work out, there is always another one waiting in the wings. The problem with that thinking is that, absent Taken in Hand, the divorce rate for second marriages is often higher than it is for first marriages.

Making things work in marriage requires a commitment beyond what many people these days are willing to make.

One reason may be premarital promiscuity that results in inevitable comparisons with previous lovers and invites contemplation of what life may be with someone else. Another arises from a self-centered culture in which *my* needs are greater than those of anyone else.

Society has made divorce too easy. Failure in marriage has also become too acceptable.

Then there is the fact that more women marry at a later age than they did half a century ago. While this allows them to acquire more education than most previous generations—as with men marrying later—it also makes them more set in their ways. Much to the delight of feminists, women no longer move from *the control of their father to the control of their husbands* as was once the case.

The truth remains that most women do not like being spanked. It hurts and it can be quite embarrassing.

Yet, its long-term track record is that soundly spanking a woman on her bare buttocks brings her emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically closer to her husband. Over the decades, many women report simply *feeling better* afterwards.

Among the benefits are removal of guilt—which cam be a heavy load of baggage in a woman's life—and a clearer head. It may also act as a catharsis—a purgation of debilitating emotions.

On top of that, nature simply created women to accept being spanked. This attribute is something that few inexperienced men these days either understand or appreciate.

When a woman *falls in love* with a man, she expects him to *take charge*. This is not a cerebral decision. Rather, it is the product of eons of transmission of inherited characteristics from one generation to another.

At the same time, the *feeling* is also fleeting. Chemically induced, the euphoria lasts for about a year—during which new couples need to create more permanent bonding. Taken in Hand is just one of several techniques that promote a last relationship.

It can be so effective as to be recommended by some marriage counselors when the wife is engaging in dangerous or destructive behavior in an otherwise salvageable marriage. An example was the bored young wife with a compulsive gambling habit. While she reported it took only a few sessions with a hairbrush to curb her obsession, she encouraged her husband to continue the practice because it made her *love and repect* him—language that is not uncommonly heard from women in *Taken in Hand* marriages.

One secret to being a successful husband is knowing when to take a stand and when to let a woman have her way. The more secure the husband, the longer the leash for the wife. Only insecure men are tyrants.

The assured husband is not threatened by this wife's success. In fact, many women in *Taken in Hand* relationships report that their husbands are quite supportive of their endeavors. At the same time, as a female physician once frankly admitted, they know when and how to make sitting down *a memorable experience*!


"On top of that, nature simply created women to accept being spanked. This attribute is something that few inexperienced men these days either understand or appreciate."

Wow, what a blanket statement. Proof?

I feel sorry for your wife.

adjusting to Taken in Hand

I think the adjustment depends on why you want a taken in hand marriage. I begged my husband to embrace this to save our marriage. I also had no idea how badly I was treating him. And, consequently so were our children. In just a short time, because I have begun to show respect to him, so has everyone else. Yesterday, we were all home all day together because of a blizzard and I slipped several times. Some of it I didn't even realize. But, at bedtime we discussed it and he reminded me of my need to show respect. I was willing to accept my punishment because he gave me specific examples. Hopefully today will be better. The punishment helps me to refocus and remember, and usually it is followed by wonderful love making.
Good Luck

Reply to Noone

I personally did not go from the control of my father to the control of my husband. I went from the domineering control of my overbearing mother to the semi-control of my loving husband. We were very young when we got married, and while there were certain areas in which he always maintained control (Ex. He would never have allowed me to go to a bar, or to stay out late without him), it would never have occurred to him to try to control every aspect of my life the way my mother did. Mr. KISS has always used a "long leash" with me, especially in comparison with my mother, so marriage to him has been a freeing experience.

The area where I disagree with you is when you seem to believe that all women should be spanked and that this would improve all marriages. I think it depends on the particular husband and wife you are talking about.

I would have been traumatized if my husband had just assumed he should spank me, especially for punishment. My mother was a harsh disciplarian (to state it euphemistically). From what I could tell, it seemed she did not really like me, and she wanted to change my personality. She also threatened me in a way that made me think she was going to kill me.

Now, after a little more than a decade of marriage, my husband can spank me, and I like it. But then he never spanks hard or long so it stings a little but it's not painful. The fact that he prefers to be gentle with me is very reassuring. I wouldn't want the kind of spanking you have described in some of your other posts. That would only make me afraid of my husband. The point of this type of relationship is to make us closer, not to make me afraid.


A goal worthy of the journey

Like a lot of women that post their stories here, I have found that persuading my husband that I wanted to have a marriage in which he is actively in charge is taking time and a lot of patience. When I came across the Taken In Hand site and read the simple conflict resolution strategy, my eyes lit up. No more wounding with words, stony silences and unresolved issues. Here was a goal worthy of the journey.

It all made so much sense to me and seemed so simple.

Was I in for a shock.

After I realized that my overzealous 10 month effort to educate my husband about Taken In Hand was futile, I completely stopped talking about it and acted ‘as if’ (Effect positive change by acting as if...) Like you Mia, I began just by talking more respectfully to him and subsequently becoming more aware of the power dynamics that already existed between us.

His stern verbal responses when I deliberately ‘tested’ him confirmed the feeling that I was moving in the right direction.

Not happy with small steps though, I was in a rush to have it all. I went back to sending him ‘interesting articles’. I wanted full-on commitment from him to give it 100%. Of course, being a man who likes to be in control, he did not take orders. End of story, or so it seemed.

It took a major drama to rekindle my hope that he would see the simplicity of loving discipline for conflict resolution and reconnection. Again he listened, this time asking a few questions relating to issues of fault and fairness. Again, that was all. I can relate to the writer who commented that, whilst her husband seemed to be receptive to the concept of Taken In Hand, there was very little to indicate that he was truly engaged. My husband certainly did not want to be seen reading the site!

I despaired. How could something so simple be so hard? Periodically I was assailed by the notion that maybe it was not OK for me to think that this was ‘right’ way for us to be. As Pericles astutely comments, ego, resistance to change and the need to be right can be impediments. Life experiences have taught me, however, that if you want to effect change and what you are doing doesn’t work, you have to do something else. Perhaps not as doggedly as I did. Still, if something is worth doing………

But, unbeknown to me, a seed had begun to germinate.

Recently we were confronted with one of our serious, unresolved issues that periodically rear its ugly head. As unresolved issues tend to do.

And I did what I usually do when escalated emotional verbiage gets us nowhere; I retreated into my hurt, lonely, sad, little space. My stay was short lived. Sick to death of what he knew would be a prolonged polite retreat from him, my husband finally decided to try some ‘loving discipline’.

I was shocked to say the least, and surprisingly reluctance to walk the talk. He was determined however, and things went according to his plan.

The outcome exceeded our expectations.

Then we did something novel for us. We talked about the Taken In Hand dynamics.

‘Taking charge’, as Noone descriptively phrases it, and administering a really serious spanking, had felt like walking into an emotional minefield for my husband. We both emerged from the fire, me with a healthier respect of my husband, him with a greater sense of confidence in his leadership role. Noone’s contributions throughout the Taken In Hand site have been particularly influential ON ME in a positive way.

Thank you to all who write. I glean a little more understanding about myself and human nature in general from your experiences and suggestions.


How Long...?

I think perhaps it takes a lifetime. My husband and I have been married for going on 11 years and we've made adjustments all along the way. Some have been relatively minor tweaks; others have been HUGE changes. There have been times we've slipped away from Taken in Hand things, but somehow we always come back.


I believe that couples will

I believe that couples will never stop learning. The concept of a taken in hand relationship can be hard to adjust to at first but in time things go smoother but still there is always room to learn something new. Maybe that is what makes this kind of relationship so attractive for so many couples.