A deep arousing sensation wells up inside my lower abdomen when you firmly tell me you are going to spank me. It is partly sexual in origin, partly emotional.
The sexual aspect has to do with being naked, over your knee, close to your body. It has to do with you seeing my bottom bare and vulnerable. It is the feel of your firm hands touching me, holding me down. It is knowing we will share loving feelings when it is over.
Emotionally, it is knowing you are in charge and will handle my behavior and make decisions without my input. It is a pleasurable feeling to have you deciding how I will be disciplined—comforting at some distant level. The nature of this pleasure is what draws me to you, allows me to give consent for you to accept control. I know it will hurt, but I will never be hurt.
It is wonderful to have such trust in each other. We do not get an opportunity for that very often—to have complete trust in another person. It is rare and unique. I do not consciously think these thoughts each time—my body's sensation is enough to flood me with a sense of wellbeing. It leaves a smile inside me.
Fear—definitely fear—not of you, but of the paddle. Excitement... as I go over your knee, as my panties are being pulled down, when I feel your leg go over mine to pin me in place... giving up control to you... moving to a place where I have to obey... where you are in charge, and I will be cared for and taken care of, where I feel you totally engaged with me.
Pain... while the actual spanking is happening, I think of very little else but the pain. I am begging for it to stop, I want to make you stop. I just hurt so badly, I have an almost overwhelming urge to interfere with the paddling, my hand, kicking, I want a pillow on my backside, so you cannot spank my bare bottom. I want to jerk my bottom out of your reach, but I am trapped solidly between your legs and arm, and I want to cry in desperation.
When it is a truly hard spanking, I feel such helplessness that I cannot interfere with it. I can only choose surrender to your discipline, until it is done. Then toward the end, fear wells up again, as I always think the last spanks will surely be the worst. I wait for those, wanting them to come, but not wanting to feel them, great ambivalence. I am never angry, never. Instead, at the end, I am tired but refreshed, content.
I need you. Total surrender leaves me very vulnerable. I feel little and tender. I want you to hold me, tightly. I need your arms around me. I want to talk, maybe cry. I feel deeply connected. A very peaceful calm stays with me for a very long time, if it has been an emotional experience, which it always is. It is one of my most powerful experiences, it changes me. It creates a calmness within me that radiates a joyful existence. I notice it every day.
The burning on my bottom is pleasant. If it is tender the next day, I am happy. I enjoy looking at the redness, I enjoy you looking at it if I am in the corner. Sometimes I need you to spank me again. It never hurts the second time, at least not much.
There are really no negatives to a discipline spanking, except the spanking itself, but even this is not true. I like that too. I like the touch, even if it is painful; it is a path to a place I need to go with the one who holds my deepest trust.
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