How does she respond to sustained eye contact?
Recently, an article appeared on this site regarding how to tell if a woman would like to be controlled. I have an observation that I think is foolproof and not for the faint of heart.
Let’s say your initial screening hints that a particular woman might like to be controlled. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then such a woman looking into the eyes of a take-charge man should feel a “Je nais se quoi” connection. The trick is for the man to establish eye contact and hold it for more than a beat or two and to give her a subtle opportunity to acknowledge her nature quietly to him. Sustained eye contact is defined as that condition where a suitable woman becomes either fully engaged for an uncomfortable length of time or she has to look away because of rising discomfort. Between a take-charge man and a woman desiring a man's control, sustained eye contact will generally register complementary personality on a nonverbal level.
A person’s frank gaze has weight and muscularity. You remember them, the stern catholic school nun who commanded you to look into her eyes to see if you were trying to lie; the steel-eyed used car salesman; the ultra-benevolent fundraiser, the soft-spoken teacher who teaches all the troubled kids and never raises his voice or have problem that would send other teachers into retirement. These are all people who seem to possess some innate ability to make us move in ways that belie our original intent—be it to lie about not doing homework; to make an untimely car purchase; or to write a check for $200.00 when a determination had been made not to contribute a dollar above $10. For all intents and purposes, these people might not possess a dominant bone in their bodies, but they possess a skill of maintaining eye contact until you flinch out of shear discomfort, heading towards terror. You are suggestible in their presence because they look into your being and see what is obscured from the casual observer. They appear to have the ability to see the fake, the phoney. It’s like going to confession.
To the right kind of woman, sustained eye contact sends an unequivocal message of acknowledgement, connection, attention and empathy. It says: I am feeling you emotionally, looking into your eyes to hear what your lips have no reason to convey—to cause you to drop the guard that separates strangers.
Two important observations:
One, eye contact is not the same thing as staring. No woman responds positively to a stare, be it one filled with antagonism or one of mindless indifference. But, sustained eye contain in the hands of a take-charge man yields instant dividends. It registers your emotional presence; it demands attention, and it hints to a wellspring of control flowing just beneath the surface.
Two, if there is more than a generation of difference in age, then the woman's apparently positive response could just be a desire to be deferential to one’s elders. So you need to be close in age for this to give you the information that the woman responds positively to control.
Sustained eye contact takes practice, but once you realize that you can cut through the exterior and touch people in a way that, quite literally, forces them to deal with you in a more courteous, expeditious, and subservient manner, your dominant presence is maximized. And for a true dominant male, dominance gained is tough to relinquish.
As I said, sustained eye contact is not for the faint of heart; but shouldn’t a dominant man’s personality be able to initiate and handle this level of communication. If not, perhaps his dominance is contrived and only aimed at the self professed, such as those who register as submissive women in obvious places.
Comments
eyes
Submitted by Lana H. on
I do agree about the erotic pull of sustained eye contact, though. It's also a great way for a woman to encourage a man to kiss her without actually making the first move. Just let the silence linger...it works like a charm. Women have to have their wiles too, you know.
I can see how a man feeling confident enough to keep eye contact could indicate a slight tendency for control, but I’m not sure that a man could tell by the same measure whether a woman wants to be controlled. However, it’s a great measure of chemistry.
Look down
Submitted by a Taken In Hand reader on
But are you saying she sustains the eye contact or not?
I know when I look at my guy for any length of time when he is being firm or just expressing his power subtley I become shy and my head tilts down. My hearts racing and then I start to fiddle with my hands to tug at my lip.
If he isen't upset with me I may peek at him with my head still down. If he is upset my head automatically falls and I would find it very difficult to look at him even when he told me to.
Come to think of this I think I may have unconsciously done this to test whether men might be the take-charge type before.
I would say a scenario in which one is trying to tell if a girlwould like to be in a takeninhand relationship would be to sustain that eye contact and see if she became shy while still checking to see if he was looking.
Power of Eye Contact
Submitted by Tevemer on
Bill,
I caution anyone looking for a "fool proof" way of finding a woman wanting to be controlled by a man. I am undoubtedly controlled Mike, and he holds a special power over me that no other person does. But I am not a submissive person. I have no problem holding and sustaining eye contact with other people. I could have held eye contact with a gentleman and responded with a "yes, sir" because my job depended on it. I could have also conveyed with my sustained eye contact at the same time that although I was saying it, they were just words. My eyes would have challenged him, not indicated submission to him. I would never be attracted to a man who expected me to react submissively to every dominant person that comes around. Mike is the only person who elicits such a response in me.
BUT Mike's sustained eye contact is very, very powerful. If he is attempting to take me in hand I will usually break eye contact. Mike has an uncanny way of coming in my space, and gently but firmly using his hand to tilt my head up to him, establishing eye contact. Even a few seconds of this kind of attention from Mike will melt my knees. In a way it is one of his most powerful tools to take me in hand. Eye contact, when used by Mike, is an extremely powerful tool for him.
Take care,
Tevemer
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. -Dandemis
eye contact
Submitted by lex on
I agree with Tevemer, finding a "foolproof" way of locating a woman open to being controlled in a relationship is impossible. People are so different, I doubt eye contact can be used as sole evidence of whether or not a lady is indeed the takeninhand type.
That being said, I find eye contact incredibly erotic and effective. D also has a power over me I have never experienced before. This power and control is evidenced by his ability to melt me with just a few seconds of eye contact. I have an email from D, recounting the first time we met:
“You held my gaze for a second before averting your eyes downward. I was pleased to see that you did this while letting a hint of a smile cross those risque lips. My feeling was that you were strong-willed, and yet comfortable in letting go to me, in a matter of minutes of our meeting.”
It’s true, when I first looked in his eyes, I had to look away... They were so strong and captivating. They made me blush with excitement! I didn’t know what else to do. I love it when he locks eyes with me, reminding me that he is in charge of me.
When I met D, I was just ending a rather unpleasant relationship. I won’t go into detail, but my ex demanded that I call him Sir. When I told D about this, he said to me, “I will never have you call me Sir, do you understand?” I was so overly pleased with this declaration, and I still am. Being forced to call someone Sir seems more of an ego stroke for the man than an expression of delight in being controlled from the woman.
Slightly confused...
Submitted by HollyCakes on
I do agree that eye contact is a powerful way to observe the dynamic of control in a relationship. But I didn't quite understand how to measure the results of your "test." If she keeps looking, she's takeninhand material? If she looks away, she is also takeninhand material? Confusing.
But the truth is people are different. Some women would show their responsiveness to control by maintaining eye contact, others by not doing so. Other women may maintain (or not); but it could convey the exact opposite of wanting to be controlled in a relationship.
So I agree with Tevemer's sentiments. There is no fool proof way to know whether a woman is takeninhand material or not, without discussing it. It is possible to partake in a little give and take—to get a feeling of where the situation might stand. But until one or both of you are comfortable enough to bring the subject out in the open, there is far too much left to speculation.
~HollyCakes
Sustained eye contact?
Submitted by J. Michael on
In a one on one situation like that, purposely holding on eye contact longer than necessary could be...uncomfortable. It too often falls into the realm of "staring".
Eye Contact & Body Language
Submitted by Kani on
I took a class that taught how to "read" another by their eyes and body language.
Looking down—hiding something and looking left—lying. Looking up—attempt to recall. To my amazement it's accurate but not foolproof.
I use my eyes to tease and flirt. (Wink)
I use my eyes to say "Don't even." (Intense stare)
My eyes say a lot about me but there's no way they would tell you I would welcome a man's control in a relationship.
Be sharp
Submitted by a Taken In Hand reader on
You guys don't understand anything about the eyes and socalizing with it. I don't have PhD and could tell you more about eye contact than any doctor or psychologist can.
Because they don't give off eye contact themselves. The eyes are the window to the soul (Saul stared intendly to the magician's eyes and he was blind.) Yes people are so scared of eye contact they personally avoid it (in subways, resturants, social gathering).
To me, eye contact is the sign of power, against wicked. All that talk when you look a person straight in the eyes, espically the opposite sex, let them know what you want and how you feel—don't let shyness get you. Either you tell what you want with power and understanding or you be scared and don't get what you want.
I was talking to someone in a
Submitted by a Taken In Hand reader on
I was talking to someone in a bar the other night and noticed that she had a very strong direct gaze. I held her stare and conversation died down and then stopped completely for about 20 seconds. THen she looked down and said "you are a cocky son of a bitch, aren't you?"
I thought that was amusing. Cocky, for refusing to be outstared by a female?? I'm quiet, unassuming, patient, mild-mannered and rather shy.
It's all in the eyes
Submitted by CS on
I wear everything on my face, especially in my eyes, and I am so readable if you only know the language. Direct, intense looks, or lack of eye contact, all say something about the one seeing and the one being seen.
In my younger years, I definitely played this game. Men who looked, then looked away, were usually shy and I knew I was in charge of the interaction between us. Rarely was a man who was unable to maintain eye contact able to approach me. When I was the one to look away first, those men were the ones who approached me first and steered the conversation and interactions.
I am a rather intense American woman, and I have absolutely no problem initiating and maintaining eye contact with whomever I am speaking with. I always considered it part of my intense, interested personality, and didn't really realize it could be a sign of control.
I can see how control can at times play out in eye contact. I also know that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and not every look is about who is in charge.
CS
Eye talk
Submitted by VelvetHammer on
I can appreciate how difficult it is to render the nuances and flavor of our silent exchanges and there are some good efforts here. But there is a certain bathos in the start-up piece: are we looking to tumble or tumble-dry? Like "ill refutable", phonetically close but a bit unclear on the concept, it works in a goofy sort of way but it falls flat if we think you were grasping for "irrefutable".
Part of the problem here is that as soon as we describe these interactions, we introduce the Cartesian theatricalism of that inner witness and observer: inevitably this all comes off as manipulative, directed, and staged. I expect strong women would laugh out loud at used car salesmen putting on the moves. (I am not suggesting that this is at work here. How could I possibly know? I am saying the recounting itself robs authenticity) Yet, the lived actuality is better rendered, at least for me, as “I don’t know how it happens but this is what happens” or “this is what comes out of me”, in the same sense that authentic, spontaneous “foreplay” is best captured by “oh, this is what my hands are wanting and doing now”—being a surprise to oneself, not following some script.
We humans are astonishingly subtle face readers. There are hints to a dedicated module within devoted to face recognition and face reading. There is a fascinating and growing literature on emotional intelligence and our native powers of agency detection, what some term “folk psychology”.
Much of what we are trying to capture here in “glance analysis” is very culture-specific.
I would myself be on the alert for a woman who held my eyes a bit longer than social decency might allow, with perhaps some warm wrinkles at the corners of hers, but then "submissiveness" doesn't quite capture what I'm after; my ballpark is more in the realm of "warm, spirited challenge". I do have a strong gaze but I think it’s generic; I just look people over closely, men and women. On the other hand, I do have a flavor of “male gaze” with women (I am unpaired and thus bedroom eyes are not committed to my one), but it is largely face-directed, considering the person, only background do I appreciate what you look like “without your shimmy on”.
I have had Brit colleagues who were very prone to womanly blush. Quite adorable. I think you folks have a social embarrassment thing going here that largely escapes Americans; we’re rather shameless and brazen, perhaps you’ve noticed. On the other hand, I do recall the finale to a café evening with colleagues: a British woman who gratuitously knelt before me to assist in zipping my jacket. Golly how fumbling and slow she was, perhaps because she was gazing up to my face rather than tending to business. Womanly wiles and subtle hints, indeed. (Yes, we thoroughly enjoyed each other)
To fellow in bar son-of-a-bitched, was her remark deprecatory or, perhaps, mildly admirative? I think I would have risked a smack and suggested that she might enjoy my "cockiness".
Whether men and women connect or not, a joy of our sociality is that we are male and female and I think we should do more to celebrate and make merry of that fact culturally, even if our appreciation of each other is to remain distant and somewhat abstract, for a society of persons, unsexed or uni-sexed, unhealthily dehumanizes. Opinions vary. I suspect, could be wrong, that those who take offense at expressions of these dimensions, are, going a bit overboard, in de Nile.
Its not as hyped up to be...
Submitted by a Taken In Hand reader on
People around me are intimidated by me and i find it hard to continue conversations due to my eye contact. Thus i developed a fear of looking people in the eye or sustaining long eye contact. People avoid approaching me because of this. Also i find that people do things for you because they are compelled to do and its not from their hearts, if you know what i mean.
Though i have experienced what its effects are on women. Its not a bed of roses. Some become defensive others give you weird behaviour.
This is perhaps i have not learned how to wield it wisely as of yet.
Kaiser.
Oh, quite right
Submitted by Rosenrot on
I would have to say that right now, this article represents a strong portion of my relationship.
It's practically how we got together, really.
I think this kind of communication is very important in all proper relationships.
Brilliance.
The truth to be found in a gaze
Submitted by Libby on
I personally use and maintain eye contact. I use it as a sort of “friendly challenge” with those I speak with, whether male or female. When talking with someone, I will look into their eyes, keep a friendly smile on my face and secretly watch their reaction. Most people will give me a smile back, but not maintain the contact for more than 30 seconds. This gives me a feeling of mistrust. I do not like people that look away so quickly, it makes me feel they are hiding something from me. Now I am a bit on the suspicious side due to my personality quirks, but it is also amusing to me that people that I can sense have strong dominant traits, cannot match my eye contact. Some of the police officers I work with are over six foot five yet cannot make eye contact with me. This gives me the power in any interaction we have and I know it makes them uncomfortable. There are only a couple of men (read 2 men) out of all those that I see at work that can match me in the game. To these two, I can relax and tease, without fear of driving them off or upsetting them. We all know they maintain the power in the interactions between us and keep the “natural” dynamics flowing properly.
When looking for a romantic partner, I play the same game. I have posted in other places that I have very strong alpha traits and I know that I need a man with just as strong traits so that he can control me. The stare down is the first test I will give any man that approaches me. If he can meet me “eyes on” for an entire conversation, he will spark a physical interest in me. If not, I relegate him to “friend” status. I will not waste the time or energy on someone who is not going to be strong enough to be more take-charge than myself. What I find interesting is that many of these men that don’t pass my first test were the ones that usually initiated the challenge. They are used to people looking away from them first because of their status as “power players”. They obviously have not played in the big leagues yet. I come from a long line of high-dominance personality types and have no fear when challenged in such a way. I think it confuses people because when they first meet me, I look very petite for my height and tend to be quiet, smile a lot, and will be politely distant. Many of the people that later became friends stated they thought I was thoroughly stuck up when they first met me. I have to warm up to people before they will get to meet my “inner brat”. But to do that I have to trust you and if you cannot look me in the eyes when we are having a simple, non-threatening conversation, how can I trust you with the more personal ones? It is an interesting paradox that so many people find someone watching their eyes so closely feel so threatened.
As a nurse I have been extensively trained in facial expressions and body language to find clues to what is going on with a person’s body or mind. But I find the eyes to be the true indicator. It is truly the “doorway to the soul” and I have never met anyone that could lie with them. If you do not like meeting a person’s eyes in a conversation, that is fine. A lot of it depends on cultural beliefs, upbringing, past experiences, etc. But for me, I need to see what the other person is truly thinking, and for me this is my way to do so.
Libby