How do we get started?

[This is an FAQ question (answers to frequently-asked questions). Please ensure that your post answers the question. Click here for the FAQ index.]

We want to change our relationship from an ordinary conventional marriage to a Taken In Hand one. We have no interest in spanking/discipline. How do we get started?

Start slowly. If you take things too fast, you can run into trouble. So start slowly. How you start really depends on who you are as individuals. What will work for one couple will not work for another. Expect there to be problems and missteps and backward steps along the way. Keep your sense of humour, and avoid endless analysis: sometimes what is called for is more action and less analysis.

The husband could start by taking charge in small ways, especially in ways that clearly help his wife.

If there is anything your wife does or doesn't do that you find concerning, and that is not something so close to your wife's heart that it might hurt or harm her to change, you could choose that issue on which to take a stand, but do be very careful not to try to change something central to your wife's being, or something that is a touchy subject with your wife. For example, I would avoid like the plague trying to get your wife to lose weight (a very sensitive subject for many) and I would never try to get your wife to give up a hobby she loves. But if your wife keeps moving your newspaper, or if she contradicts you in public in a way that makes you feel humiliated, those might be more appropriate issues on which to take a stand.

When you take a stand, remember that this is not an unpleasant fight, and your wife is not your enemy. On an on-going basis try to increase the amount of appreciation you express for your wife, so that she is able to interpret your stands positively. Remain calm, kind and loving. Do not sulk, get angry, or deny your wife attention or affection. Those are sure ways of going from a quite nice conventional relationship to a really unpleasant, unhappy conventional relationship. In a Taken In Hand relationship, the man's control is for the delight of both husband and wife. Keep that in mind at all times. Be the best person you can be, and the best husband you can be.

As you experiment with taking control, notice the effect of your actions, and make modifications if things start going awry.

If you are the wife in the above couple, I strongly advise you on no account to criticise your husband's attempts to take charge. Try to view everything positively, even when it doesn't immediately strike you as positive. Remember that this process of your husband taking charge is not easy, and he will make mistakes, but he is doing this for you, to please you, not just for himself, so give him the benefit of the doubt and strive not to shame him. Also, avoid the temptation to talk endlessly about Taken In Hand and your path to a Taken In Hand relationship. This can make a man feel that his every move is being watched and judged, and judged insufficient at that. That won't help. If there is anything very important you need him to change, try to wait three days before you say anything, because sometimes, things that seem important now won't seem to matter at all in three days' time. When you do say something, take great care to express your wish in a way that makes your husband feel good rather than bad. Otherwise he may be unable to hear your wish.

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2003 Sep 22 - 23:23 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

How to get started

We are new also and are reading a lot of the articles and trying to learn as we go.

The way my husband and I got started after living together for 4 years and being married for the past six months was merging finances first. I transferred my direct deposit paychecks into his bank account (my choice) and told him I no longer could handle this stress and I needed for him to take over our separate financial affairs and make them one now that we were officially married. Now I ask for what I need and he has the authority to decide. The other BIG thing was our tone of voice and our method of communication. I know Taken In Hand couples are not big on lists of written rules but for us changing the way we communicate involved written rules that were set in place by my husband that were very clear about disrespectful communication, lying, and sarcasm- all areas I needed a lot of work in. It is amazing how tone of voice and respect have changed our communication almost immediately for the better. These are a couple of the first things we have implemented. Good luck to you.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Dec 1 - 05:48 | reply to this comment

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