How do I find a take-charge man who will want a Taken In Hand relationship?

How do I find a take-charge man who will want a Taken In Hand relationship?

First, forget the idea of finding someone online. You are much more likely to find someone in your everyday offline life than online. Instead of spending time looking online, spend that time getting out into your community and meeting men in person. The man for you needs to be attracted to you, including physically in person, not just to your online presence. If you do meet someone online, arrange a meeting in a safe public place before you give much information about yourself and before you become emotionally attached. Too many spend too much time building a mental relationship with someone online, only to discover, when they meet, that the other person smells bad or has some other repulsive characteristic that somehow failed to be conveyed in their text chats and even video chats. Meet very early to avoid wasting everyone's time. Many people play online with no intention of developing anything offline. If you want a relationship that will be a full offline relationship, look offline, not online.

[UPDATE: If you do decide to put up a dating profile on an online site, before you do that, read this post, this post, and this entire page. Really. Read it.]

Avoid spending lots of time at home. Go walking in your community in daylight hours. Dramatically increase the amount of time you spend out in your community. Explore it thoroughly. And when you are out and about in your community, start noticing people. Smile at people. Talk to people. And don't be in a hurry to end conversations started by strangers. Try to find something interesting in every person you meet, whether an attractive man or a little old lady—everyone. Explore people instead of ignoring people. Once you start looking for what is interesting about people, you will start finding interest even in individuals you might once have written off instantly as uninteresting. Make a point of looking for at least five good things about every man you meet. Find out what each man is passionate about or interested in. Whenever a man's eyes light up, or he becomes more animated, or he smiles, ask more about whatever he has just said. It doesn't matter if you have no interest in whatever interests him. It is still very interesting to hear about others' interests. You could learn something. You will also see more of the person if you explore what interests him.

Stop writing people off as unsuitable before you've even given them a chance. Men who want a Taken In Hand relationship do not display any obvious dominant characteristics, so it is no good looking for such characteristics. Think about it: do you yourself display any obvious signs that you want a Taken In Hand relationship? Of course not! So don't expect men you meet to display obvious signs either. Some men even appear hopelessly shy and tentative and yet they yearn to be the one wearing the trousers and firmly in charge in a happy marriage with a lovely woman. If you concentrate on the overt form, you will miss the substance, and it is in the substance that you will find what you are looking for, not the form. Don't let the form mislead you.

Instead of writing off that shy man stacking shelves at the supermarket who always smiles at you and asks if you need help finding anything, smile back at him and give him a chance to engage you in a conversation.

But he's just a shelf stacker, and you are a lawyer—it would never work! He might be just a shelf stacker, or he might be the manager, or he might be a student who is working his way through college trying to finish his PhD. Or perhaps he is a fascinating entrepreneur whose business has been wiped out in the recession, but who is picking himself up and starting again from nothing. Stop making assumptions. And even if he is just a shelf stacker, so what? There's a lot to be said for a man willing to work even in a job that might be boring. He might be far more dependable and kind than your fellow hotshot lawyer. And if you want to live under the control of a man, for goodness sake choose someone good and kind rather than someone more obviously dominant. Open your mind and heart to a wider range of men. You may be surprised by how interesting and intelligent many men in lowly jobs are if you get to know them.

But he's shy! How could he possibly be a take-charge man? Easily! You may say that having the inclination to be in charge doesn't necessarily equate with knowing how, but in a fully committed marriage with a beloved spouse who would welcome her husband's control over her, many a shy man with the inclination learns. And in a fully committed marriage, you will care enough to help him learn. Far better to find a good, honest, kind, loving man who is willing and able to learn to take charge, than a so-called ‘dominant’ man who is too narcissistic and unloving ever to be in a good marriage, let alone a Taken In Hand one.

If a man calls himself “dominant”, or worse, “a dominant”, or if he is involved in the BDSM community, be aware that he is unlikely to be what you are looking for if you want a Taken In Hand relationship. In a Taken In Hand relationship, the husband loves his wife and puts his wife and their relationship first to balance his power over her. He strives to be the strong leader, to protect and support his family. He feels good, and indeed sexually excited, by being the one who wears the trousers, and by his wife's delight in his control of her. By contrast, many men who call themselves “dominant” have no desire to take care of a wife and family, and if anything put themselves first and are more turned on by the idea of using and abusing multiple women who serve their every whim, than by being the man in charge in a Taken In Hand marriage.

Moreover, even looking for a man who seems to be very much in charge at work is not foolproof. Some such men—just like many women reading this site who are super-in-charge authority figures at work—in no way want to be in control at home.

So if you want to find a man, start by opening your eyes and heart to a much, much wider range of men than you have been focusing on. Stop writing people off because they don't display any obvious sign of dominance in the first few dates. Pay more attention to finding out whether he is a good person and less attention to whether he is dominant.

Don't even write off men who initially state very firmly that they are not the type to control a woman, or who make other statements to the effect that they disapprove of unequal relationships. Really! Don't! Have you yourself never made any statement that might suggest that you would not want to live under the control of a man? Men make these kinds of statements because they are good men who would not want to control a woman who would not like that. They are not thugs, in other words. That's a good thing, not a bad thing! They may never have met a woman who knows that she wants a Taken In Hand relationship. It may take a bit of time and thought for them to realise that some women actually do want the man in their life to be in charge, including women who seem particularly take-charge themselves. Get to know men well. Give them a chance! Plenty of men on this site were shocked and aghast when they first heard that some women want to be taken and kept in hand by a man. Some of them took many, many months to process the information in the privacy of their own minds, before finding their power and thrill as a man in control and fully embracing the Taken In Hand idea. Many men here who have initially been shocked by the idea talk about their desire to be in charge having been totally buried until they heard about Taken In Hand.

In addition to opening your heart to men and finding interest and good things in everyone you meet, also think about what you yourself have to offer a man who might want you. How will you add to your man's life? How will you make his life easier and more pleasurable? What is it about you that will make him love being with you and think that you are the best thing that has ever happened to him—and still think that in 40 years' time? Looking good and staying fit and slim and attractive are very important but not enough. Come up with a list of concrete ways in which you will add to a man's life rather than being a headache for him. If you can think of ways in which you might detract from his life or cause him trouble, work on correcting those faults. Being high maintenance is not an attractive quality. Work on making yourself a woman a man will be able to look at in 40 years' time and say I am so glad I married you. I am the luckiest man alive. What man has such a wife?

Unless you are the kind of woman for whom sex is no big deal and doesn't change anything—one for whom sex does not make you feel bonded, or bad if the man loses interest after having sex with you—get to know a man very well before becoming sexually intimate with him. See him in a wide range of situations and with his family and friends. Consider waiting until you are engaged to have sex. It may be old-fashioned, but many women find that it is only when they stop having casual sex that they start meeting men who are looking for a wife.

Here is one idea that will increase the chance that you will meet someone, and help you get to know men without the pressure of a dating situation:

Consider having a regular dinner party at your home every week, inviting both male and female friends and anyone you meet who seems interesting. If you make it a regular event, such as every Friday night, you will get into the habit of inviting people, and you can ask your friends to bring an interesting person you haven't met. You will thereby increase your circle of friends and start meeting more men in a relaxed setting in which you can get to know them without the pressure of a date.

You may think you don't have enough friends to even start doing this, but once you start, you will naturally become more open to talking to strangers, and this will be more likely to lead to you issuing invitations to your soirees, even to men you have only just met, and before you know it your weekly dinners will be where all your friends old and new want to be every week, and where they want to bring interesting people. The key is to make it a regular event.

To make it more likely that you will keep doing this, consider making these soirees casual potlucks, in which your guests each bring a dish and/or a bottle, as opposed to you getting stressed out spending too much time and money preparing gourmet feasts. Potlucks or other casual meals also make it easier to accommodate unexpected guests, making it possible to invite people at the last minute, and to issue open invitations for any future Friday night soiree (though in practice inviting someone to a particular event is more likely to be successful than issuing a vague open invitation). The point is the company rather than the food and drink.

Do you have any ideas for how to find a man suitable for a Taken In Hand relationship? If so, please add your ideas in the comments below.

See also:
An overview of Taken In Hand
Why avoid pursuing a man?
Advice for women: how to find and marry Mr Right - step 1
An overview of Taken In Hand
The man needs to be the pursuer
Forget ideal - look for real
Advice for women seeking a Taken In Hand relationship
How to find the one for you
How to tell him or her
What you need to know about Taken In Hand
Why do some prefer a Taken In Hand relationship to a conventional relationship?
Is a Taken In Hand relationship for everyone?

previous | FAQ index | next

Taken In Hand Tour start | next

[This is an answer to a frequently-asked question: this page is part of the FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post is answering the question or discussing the above post. The question is: How do I find a take-charge man who will want a Taken In Hand relationship?]


Finding a take-charge man

Hi :) I'm new here, but I am so grateful to have found Taken In Hand. It has almost instantaneously changed my life. I have a lot of work to do to get things right, but I now understand clearly what has gone wrong in every relationship I've ever had, and why the same patterns kept repeating themselves over and over in my love life. I'm so forever grateful I don't have to do that anymore.

I am guilty of engaging in online dating. I definitely made the mistake of engaging in way too much text and email conversation with the guy before meeting, causing emotional attachment to form around a vision and not a person. We both got hurt pretty badly in the end. :( But being an independent woman, I definitely own my part in the resulting problem. He appeared to be a wonderfully eager take-charge man... But "changed" into a mean, controlling boy. That's what visions and illusions do... They "change" once they think they have what they want. I realized just after ending the pain of that relationship that the only way to find a real, meaningful connection with a healthy man is to meet him in real life. Ah-HA... Lol.

Well, my first reaction to this article was "But... I don't have TIME to get out there!" Yeh. I still have a long ways to go in self-honesty and self-regulation. But I have this website now, and am going to change my life by changing my thinking. :)

Ya know, I picked fights in all my relationships. I thought the men in my life were... "Stupid," "incapable," "uncaring cads." I thought the problem was all them. I thought I had to stand up and fight for "what is right," to try to get them to *change* into real men. It just... *never*... Occurred to me I was challenging the man to take control... But that's *exactly* what I've been trying to do all my life. Lol!

Here are some thoughts on other ways to meet people besides online. To be sure, meeting potential relationship material online is not the best way to go. It is impossible to gauge physical attraction if there's no in-person contact, and that tangible exchange of physical information is crucial to knowing of anything more than loneliness and raging hormones is present.

There's really only one way to meet people in general, let alone find "the one." And that is, as discussed in the article, to "get out there and mingle." It's what we used to do before the internet came along. Lol. I see so many online dating profiles that babble on about all the things a person "likes to do"... And I wonder just when and how they manage to do all that stuff when all I really see is that they are constantly online tending their profile and perpetually ready to "chat" at the drop of a hat. They're never "out there," they're always at home sitting in front of their computer. I am in recovery as well... My sponsor continually points out to me that people, not just men, who spend that much time online probably do not have real lives. Now, if I want a real man, so I can build a real relationship, I gotta go get a real life myself.

So... What did we used to do before the world wide web brought everything to us and we didn't have to get dressed anymore or leave our beds or lazy boy recliners??? I like the idea of hosting weekly potlucks... But I'd specify no alcohol in my case. Going for walks—especially if you have dogs—makes instant conversation with strangers possible. Going to baseball games, local grand openings, art and museum showings, taking a weekend non-credit self-improvement course ('course, that takes a little money though), going to the park (with the dogs of course lol!), have a garage sale, window shopping and asking the store staff pertinent questions about items you're considering and comparing... Anything that puts one in a position where they are forced to engage in interactions with others in any way. The list goes on, and if I really want people, even in general, in my life, it would behoove me to make myself open and available for others to see me as approachable rather than hermitting at home.


Writing people off prematurely

I don't really have a problem with meeting people in general, only the right man in particular. It's not that I sit at home all day. I just don't seem to be able to find a Taken In Hand man.

I'm also in no danger of getting side-tracked by online dating, as I can't think of anything less appealing.

"Stop writing people off as unsuitable before you've even given them a chance."

I may, though, be guilty of this. It is correct that a Taken In Hand mentality may hide behind a shy facade, but here is the problem for me. DeeMarie put it perfectly in her article "Are you the Conan the Barbarian Type?" I'm really not interested in a guy who I have to push into Taken In Hand. A lot of women on this site seem to have convinced their husbands to try it, but I really cannot see that work for me.
I guess I just have to try and see beyond it.

So, but for now I'm doing what I do quite often. Watch old movies and dream.

Jessica Rabbit

Not pushing

If you have to push for it (suggesting resistance) I agree, that person may not be the best choice for you. However, please be aware that many men, including shy men, need no pushing, they just need to know that this is what you really want, and they need time to process the idea and make changes. And when they have done that, some of them make Conan look like a wimp. A good person is likely to keep his Conan tendencies in check until he is very sure that is what you want.

Not Pushing

I didn't push my husband into a Taken In Hand relationship, but I did suggest it, it was not something he would have thought of on his own.

However, he is not shy, and can be quite assertive naturally. He was not the only assertive man I knew when I was young, and I never found them that hard to come by. I would never have gone out with a shy man,a s I am quite shy myself, and the two of us would never have got anywhere.

I met most of the men I went out with in an historical re-enactment society I belonged to. I don't know whether re-enactors are in general likely to be more assertive than other men though.

I expect you will meet a Taken In Hand type man eventually. But you may need to give him some hints about exactly what you want from a relationship. A man may be quite strong-minded, even quite bossy (as my husband is sometimes) without necessarily quite having the hang of Taken In Hand.


I beg to differ

I would like to be moderately critical to this article, while I agree to some of the ideas presented, I would like to beg to differ with some of the others.
Firstly I agree online dating can be devastating. But online you get to meet a lot of new people in less time, something that you can't have offline. So fully writing off the online part is not right.
The writer advices you to go and walk around your community and smile at people. In some areas of the world that can be a huge security problem.
As for as holding parties at home I think a "take-charge" man doesn't have time or desire to go to a dinner party where he expects to find a bunch of shallow fun loving ladies gossiping rubbish and discussing the affairs of other people. If someone invited me to such a party I would have politely denied.
I also believe you can't convert a "normal guy" into a "take-charge" man.