After reading this site for almost a year and having many conversations, we recently started down our own road towards a Taken In Hand relationship.
We have been married for 23 years and together for almost 30 (we met in high school), so we have a really firm foundation to build upon. We’ve had many ups and downs over the years and a few rare times even wondered if we should go our separate ways. But overall, we’ve had a good life together. Our kids are almost grown and we have hit a nice stride of really loving, understanding and appreciating one another.
Yet, we wanted more. I felt like I wasn’t being true to myself or fair to my husband in the role I had taken on in our marriage. For various reasons, I took on the leadership role for our household and our relationship. It wasn’t until I read the articles on this site that it all clicked into place for me and I realized why I got so angry when Mr L let me walk all over him. I didn’t do this all the time, we mostly got along fine, but 95% of the arguments we had were based on resentment I felt because Mr L didn’t stand up for himself and that he let me and others take advantage of him. Because he wasn’t strong, I felt like I couldn’t completely put my trust in him. I felt like I was holding back a part of me from him and I feared that he was holding back a part of himself from me. To make matters worse, this was all left unsaid. We weren’t very good at communicating with each other about matters of the heart.
It may sound as if Mr L is a wimpy type of person, and so what would make me think he would want to be in a Taken In Hand relationship? Like many people he is a complex person. In the early part of our relationship, he showed more of his dominant traits and over time, he gave away (or let me inadvertently take) more and more power from him. This happened partly because he was in a job that took him away from the home often and for weeks at a time and when he would return I would have everything running just so and he felt like it would be disruptive to jump in, so he just stayed out of it more and more until I resented him jumping in when he did try to and I also resented him for not trying to jump in when he didn’t. It was also because he thought that was what I wanted and really one of his biggest goals is to make me happy.
Luckily, his job changed and he no longer had to travel as much but our roles had already been defined. Life was busy, we had kids, a house etc and years went by. We were mostly happy but didn’t feel as close as we once did, but we chalked it up to middle age and a hectic life.
Enter Taken In Hand. We had been experimenting a little with erotic spanking and I was starting to realize the feelings that his being dominant in the bedroom were provoking in me. It made me think of how he had been in the early years of our relationship and how our dynamic had changed so much since then. I knew he had it in him to be head of the household because he had exhibited head of the household behavior when we were first married and just seemed so much more confident at that time. I realized that we had been in a bad vicious cycle. My taking on the leadership role made him feel less valued. That made his self confidence go down and he felt less capable of stepping up at home and at work. He didn’t really feel needed. And my being the leader made me feel like I had the weight of our lives on my shoulders and that I was the only one I could trust to captain our ship. Ironically, we both wanted the same thing but we never realized it. I wanted to be able to lean on him and trust him to steer our ship and he wanted me to need him, to look up to him. We both wanted a deeper, more meaningful relationship.
It was only after I stumbled upon the Taken In Hand website that this all became clear and after much reading and talking, we knew what course we wanted to take.
The most amazing thing is how much deeper and fulfilling our relationship has become. Part of it has to do with the fact that we are communicating so much more. He says that communication is so important especially for a Taken In Hand relationship because of the power differential. I need to know what he expects and he needs to understand my needs. It sounds so simple, but it is so profound. We have talked more often and more honestly about our feelings, desires, hopes and fears in the last few months than we have in the last 29 years combined. That alone has brought us so much closer. Plus, he was always a man of few words and now that he is sharing more I am even more in love with who he is because I know more of who he is and he is amazing.
The results of our change are overflowing into every aspect of our lives. We are both so much happier being who we really are. Our sex life has been incredible, we are so in love, and it is a vicious cycle of good now instead of bad. He’s been taking more of an active role with the kids and his perspective is such a great addition to our household. And just this week he had something come up at work that he would have had a really hard time dealing with pre Taken In Hand, and frankly probably would have procrastinated about for months, but he took it by the horns right away and calmly and professionally dealt with it with great results. All of this has boosted his confidence in himself (and mine in him), he feels my love and admiration everyday and now our favorite thing is to lie in bed with me in his arms and just talk.
I hope this doesn’t sound like he is the only one doing all the work and changing. I’m doing my part too. It has been hard to give up being in charge and getting my way all the time. He says he wants to go slowly, so he hasn’t taken over everything but he has taken over me! We are working on my attitude towards him and I am trying to be respectful even when things aren’t going smoothly. (Much harder than it sounds!) I’m also trying not to tell him how to drive! (also really hard!) We never had lots of arguments and I never (well, hardly ever) treated him that badly, but now I am so much more aware of how I speak to him especially in front of the kids. I've noticed positive affects of my new attitude at work too. I have been able to think first and then speak(or not speak) much more often than before Taken In Hand.
The interesting part is that I thought I might like the spanking aspect, but I realize that I am actually pretty submissive and once I know where the line is, it is very hard to make myself cross it (which I don’t want to do anyways, because why would I purposely disappoint Mr L?) Plus the few times that I thought I might have crossed that line, I was really quite worried about what might happen next and incredibly relieved that he didn’t decide to spank me, even though we both agreed that he could. (I’m sure it will happen sooner or later and then we’ll know for sure if we want that to be an aspect of our relationship or not). I find that I just really want to make him happy and to do things for him all the time. He says he feels the same way. He has been texting me silly poems and we email back and forth often during the day just to say we love each other. I feel so fortunate.
All in all, it’s been so great to rekindle our love and to start to create an even deeper and more meaningful relationship where we are both giving all of ourselves and exposing all of ourselves to each other. We are honest with each other now and know each other’s deepest feelings. We trust each other and value the different things that we each bring to our relationship. And we have an overwhelming desire to be together and make our relationship the best that it can be.
How cool is that?