He was horrified but now he is very happy

He was horrified but now he is very happy

My husband and I began a Taken In Hand marriage ten weeks ago, at my suggestion. At first he was appalled that I would want to be "subjugated" but I tried very hard to describe the dynamic I was looking for, of shared responsibilities but a male leader in our marriage. We started out slowly, and have gained so much. We are, in his words, like newlyweds again, crazily in love with each other. His being in charge (finally) has allowed him to relax and enjoy his take-charge nature (which was there all along, and which I bitterly fought against). Our teenage daughter has noticed the huge change in our relationship and in our home, and has asked why we don't fight anymore. Instead, she finds us snuggling together in the evening, and holding hands.

I have changed inside, due to my choice not to argue with him any more, and to let him make decisions. He does micro-manage in the house, but I think only because my disorganization was making him crazy, and now he can finally change things for the better without watching me have a fit. When I realized how many, many things he has begun instructing me to do differently, I asked him how he lived with me before. He admitted that he was very angry with me most of the time, but he loved me too much to do anything about it except stew. Now he has a clear road: he tells me to handle something, and I do it.

I have already found that I LOVE my new way of life. I love not arguing, I love the sense of peace I have in my daily life, and I even love being told what to do. Who knew I could come to that, after years of thinking I had to fight him tooth and nail to retain my independence. I used to say to my girlfriends (who were aware sometimes of the nearly constant bickering in my house) that every time I drew a line in the sand, he stepped over it. What a perfect man for a Taken in Hand relationship, right? And it wasn't until I found this site that I was able to recognize what I wanted deep down in my heart, underneath that prickly outer core that was my "independent self," was a man with the strength to deal with me.

He has transformed from a withdrawn and often edgy husband into a kind and loving one who is always concerned with how I feel, but absolutely, firmly in charge at all times. He is growing more comfortable in his leadership role, and has come a long way in this new journey, from being horrified at my suggestion that we make this change, to telling me that we should have done this fifteen years ago. I agree.

[Note to the writer: if you give me a name I will attribute this accordingly.—The Editor]

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Comments

beautiful story

What a beautiful story! The way everything fell into place so naturally once you allowed something so natural as your husband being in charge to actually happen.
It seems to be a very common theme amongst a lot of couples in taken in hand marriages to have spent a number of years, before they discovered Taken In Hand, miserable because husbands and wives were busy fighting eachother for power and equality. Then once the fighting and power struggles stop, everything is so much better and we wish we had done it sooner. Could have saved ourselves a ton of grief.

reply to beautiful story

Dear johnsgirl,

You're right, I could have saved myself a ton of grief, if only I had known that it was okay to hand over the reins and enjoy the ride. As it was, the first couple of weeks into our new dynamic, (and as much as I wanted it) I had to bite my tongue to keep from answering back impatiently or being irritable with my husband, but it quickly became second nature to me to listen and not to fight. And I'm sure it won't be a surprise to anyone on this site that as soon as I stopped fighting him, he started easing up on me, and speaking to me more gently, and kissing me more, and opening doors for me, and looking after me really quite tenderly. All the things I dreamed of, in fact!

As the days go by, he is more and more matter of fact in telling me what he expects me to do (never doubting that I will do it), and instead of resenting it, I get quite a warm feeling in my tummy and I find myself smiling--a lot. I've begun to love to please him, and my reward is that it pleases him to love me. Sigh. I now have a happy happy house.

Note to editor: I wrote the At first he was horrified but now he's happy post--can you just call me a happy girl?

You sound just like me

I loved your story, and it sounds so much like mine. I found this site recently and my husband and I are exploring what it will mean for us to have this sort of relationship. I can tell you that already I am calmer and more at peace, and he is more confident, and we are both much happier. I am excited to see how this will develop as we work together.

Rediscovering Old Truths

In its pursuit of equality between genders, modern society managed to create a rigid style of marriage that may as well have been designed to fail. The spontaneity that once kept marriages vibrant was replaced with model for marriage with behaviors borrowed from formal setting of the schoolhouse and workplace.

The plain truth is that these purloined entities do not work very well on the home front. Although they may survive as minions in the workplace, a passive husband at home will soon become despised by his wife.

Successful marriages have both a spontaneity and a rhythm that sets them apart from more artificial social institutions. Within them, the interaction must be more genuine if they are to survive the various vicissitudes of life.

At the same time, there are certain expectations that men and women have developed over eons of survival through cooperation. Among those are that, although women tend to pick the men, they expect the man to take the lead in intimate relationships.

It is not by mere chance, therefore, that husbands spanking their wives on occasion serves to bring couples closer together. Meanwhile, couples intend on following more trendy philosophies often find their relationships in shambles.

Comment to post "He was horrified......"

I think your husband's first reaction speaks volumes about how males are raised these days. The idea of "Taking a Woman In Hand", and correcting her in physical ways, transgresses the modern ideas of acceptable behavior. I would say that your husband's first reaction was very noble. It proves that deep in his soul, he is not going to use his new found power over you in a bad way due to his basic nature. This will assure that he uses his power in ways appropriate to your goals as a couple. He is "exactly" the kind of man that should be in Taken In Hand relationships. Abusive men will give our lifestyle a very bad name.

I caution the reader that what follows is religious in nature, so if that offends, please do not continue reading. I am not apologizing, since God is a co-partner in me and my wife's relationship. But, I understand that others do not feel that way. Anyway, my comments are in regard to encouraging the religious male to consider the possibility that the way he was raised is different than what God intended. My evidence comes from the King James Bible, Genesis 3, verse 16, after Eve ate the fruit that God forbid. "Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow in childbirth; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; AND THY DESIRE SHALL BE TO THY HUSBAND, and HE SHALL RULE OVER THEE."(I put in the caps to make my point). For the religious man, this should put to bed any fears that he is abusing his wife when he corrects her physically in a loving, none abusive way. My personal view is that a man should never HIT his wife. BUT, spanking on the butt is NOT hitting. The following is my idea of what SHOULD have happened in the garden. It is only my opinion. Let's suppose Adam would NOT have eaten the fruit when Eve told him to. Picture this. God comes looking for Adam, as it says in the Bible. Now picture this. Adam has Eve over his knee. God watches as he is spanking her on her butt as hard as he can. Eve is crying and screaming in agony. He says to Eve, "You ungrateful, beautiful little gift from our Father, You disrepect God by disobeying his command. Now I am going to spank your sexy little butt so hard that you will not be able to sit for a month." What do you think God would have done in that case? I can not speak for God, of course, but I wonder if He would have said, "OK, you can stay in the garden". Imagine what our lives could have been like if that's the way things went down.

Remember there can be a fine line between punishment and abuse. Don't cross the line.

What would our lives have been like?

Well, if Adam and Eve had been allowed to stay in the garden of Eden, I assume none of us would ever have been born. How could we be? We are the result of thousands of years of human history which would not have happened if it had not been for Eve eating the fruit. personally, I think we should all be grateful to Eve for getting out of that garden and allowing human history to proceed. Had she not eaten the fruit, nothing of the slightest interest would ever have happened.

Louise