Glossary
Do not read this glossary to get an idea of what Taken In Hand is about, because these terms are not about Taken In Hand, and I, the site owner, don't use them myself.
A Taken In Hand relationship
A Taken In Hand relationship is a wholehearted sexually exclusive marriage in which, to the delight of both spouses, the man actively controls the woman. The degree of control and the way the husband retains control vary from Taken In Hand couple to Taken In Hand couple, but in all cases both husband and wife actively want the husband to have the upper hand. No matter how strong, tough and forceful a Taken In Hand wife may be, and no matter how hard she might try to take control in their marriage, she would be aghast if her husband were to let her. Likewise, no matter how loving, kind and considerate the husband may be, he prefers to keep his wife firmly in hand.
BDSM
Taken In Hand is not BDSM, so if you've come to this site looking for BDSM you are going to be very disappointed. BDSM (bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism), also called “kinky”, refers to a number of different ways of interacting sexually, and/or relationship styles, including very ritualised, stylised modes of interaction. Some BDSM relationships involve sexual scenes and role-playing in a particular style (such as master-slave or dominant-submissive) but outside the sexual arena the relationship (if there is a relationship) is completely equal. 24/7 BDSM relationships can be an extended scene with all the safeguards for which the BDSM community is well-known, or (I'm told) it can be more like a Taken In Hand relationship, with no safety net. BDSM is associated with play parties and munchies, promiscuity, open relationships, extreme sex, pain, humiliation play, and the use of particular costumes, modes of address, rituals and protocols, but not all BDSM folk enjoy all or any of these things. BDSM folk tend to think that Taken In Hand is BDSM but BDSM leaves most Taken In Hand folk cold, so I don't think Taken In Hand can really be said to be BDSM. Moreover, BDSM community ideas, behaviours and ways of using language, seem from the perspective of Taken In Hand a bit too rigid, rule-bound and formulaic. BDSM relationships look too static and somehow artificial to me with my Taken In Hand inclinations. Taken In Hand readers simply don't find BDSM literature and ideas erotic even though they are more than willing to admit that they do find Taken In Hand ideas erotic. BDSM doesn't float the average Taken In Hand person's boat. This is in no way to say that BDSM people are in any way inferior or wrong: I am merely pointing out that from a Taken In Hand perspective, there is a difference.
See
See also:
SM (sadomasochism)
Masochism
Blanket consent
Blanket consent refers to the idea of giving the man in your life the freedom to act forcefully and at least in one sense (though not a deeper sense) against your will – without giving him rules to abide by, approved times or places, etc. It implies both an enormous amount of trust on the woman's part, and considerable knowledge of the woman on the man's part. It does not mean that the woman loses any ‘rights’ or is a doormat. It does not mean that if the man were to start beating the woman to a pulp, he would be able to argue that she had consented (let's not lose our commonsense, here, folks!), it assumes that there is goodwill and a desire on both sides to create and maintain an exciting relationship. The idea of giving blanket consent can seem beyond the pale to those ill-disposed to Taken In Hand, but if you think of it not as giving up the right to refuse consent but instead, as taking more of the consent-seeking processes to an unspoken or tacit level of communication, you might have a better idea of what this is really about.
CAFL
CAFL stands for ‘consensual act of forced lovemaking’, and this was discussed here.
D/s
D/s or Ds (not to be confused with Taken In Hand) is about dominance and submission and means different things to different people. For some, it implies a stylised master/slave BDSM relationship with rules and rituals and protocols; for others, it refers to something more like a Taken In Hand relationship. Unlike in Taken In Hand, many D/s people take the view that the submissive partner has a need to serve. A Taken In Hand relationship does not imply a D/s one. Taken In Hand women generally do not consider themselves submissive at all.
DD (Domestic Discipline)
Discipline
(Not necessarily anything to do with Taken In Hand, note.) Discipline, in this context, refers to ‘discipline’ used in a consensual relationship, NOT to anything really non-consensual. This is not about abuse. If you ask the person whether she would REALLY prefer not to be disciplined, she would say “No! I prefer this kind of relationship. I love it that he feels able to take this action! I do NOT want him not to discipline me!” She might say that it is against her will at the time it happens, but if anyone were to try to get her to leave her partner, she would be thinking, “What?! Are you CRAZY?! This is the kind of relationship I've always DREAMED of! No WAY am I leaving!” and she would NOT be happy if you were to succeed in persuading her husband or boyfriend to desist from this ‘discipline’. Some readers may get the impression that the discipline is not consensual, because some people draw a distinction between “erotic discipline” and “non-erotic discipline”. In my view, “non-erotic discipline” refers to discipline which appears to be against the person's will in the moment it happens, but which that person wants at a deeper level, such that without it, she would feel that there is something missing, or she would not be so attracted to and excited by her husband, etc. For some women, this helps them feel relaxed and safe. They need to know that their man will not let them ill-treat him or otherwise behave badly. Note that “discipline” is not necessarily a part of a Taken In Hand relationship. I mention this term simply because some readers (particularly DD folk) mention it here, and I want to stress the consensual nature of what they are referring to.
HOH
HOH stands for “Head of Household”; HOR stands for “Head of Relationship”. They refer to a relationship structure in which one partner, usually the man, is deemed by both partners to be in charge. Again, this can mean different things to different people. In some cases, it means that he makes all the decisions; in others, it means that he is the final arbiter if there is a dispute; in others, it means simply that he leads slightly in some areas of their relationship. It might be quite obvious that the man is the master, or it might be quite subtle and not obvious. It might just mean that the man “wears the trousers” in some sense. Again, not all Taken In Hand couples associate with the idea of having a head of the household: I mention this term simply because some posters use it here.
Internal enslavement
Related to TPE. Not to be confused with Taken In Hand.
M/s
(Again, nothing to do with Taken In Hand.) M/s refers to the ‘master/slave’ relationship, in which one person is owned by the other, either with all that that implies, in the case of an absolute power relationship, or in a more superficial sense. See also: slave and TPE.
Micromanagement
Micromanagement is the control of every part, however small, of an enterprise or activity. In the Taken In Hand context this word implies that the man controls the woman in a detailed way, making even the smallest decisions for her. Some Taken In Hand couples love micromanagement; others are aghast at the idea.
Masochism
Masochism is the psychological tendency to derive pleasure, often including sexual pleasure, from emotional or physical pain. Please note that Taken In Hand is not about masochism. In her book, Masochism: A Jungian View, Lyn Cowan brilliantly describes masochism this way: “Masochism is an art of holding oneself in oppositional extremity. The masochist sees himself living – appears to live – in extremis, at the very edge of danger, madness, death. A masochist's pleasure is extremely painful and his pain, extremely pleasurable. Often opposite feelings like pride and humiliation are present simultaneously, both torturous, both pleasurable. In the midst of such emotional extremity, the need and feeding of the masochistic compulsion is clearly, itself, part of the torture and pleasure. There is pride in this cliff-hanging extremity, in maintaining these impossible oppositions without plunging over the edge. It is an extreme pride, a pride of extremity, of going to extremes and surviving. It is a pride of promethean proportions.” (page 92)
See also:
SM (sadomasochism)
OTK
OTK stands for ‘over the knee’ and refers to putting your wife over your knee and spanking her. Not a Taken In Hand thing, but the term is sometimes used by readers on this site nevertheless.
SM (sadomasochism)
SM (sadomasochism) is a psychological tendency to derive sexual pleasure from getting or giving emotional and/or physical pain. Sadomasochistic relationships and interactions are often
See also:
Masochism
BDSM
Service kink
The service kink is a need to serve that amounts to, or is related to, an erotic preference. This has absolutely nothing to do with Taken In Hand. Some authorities (such as Pat Allen) argue that it is the masculine leader who serves the woman he leads, and the feminine woman in or desiring a male-led relationship who receives his service.
Slave
A slave is a person owned by another. In the context of BDSM, this might mean nothing more than that the person enjoys playing a slave in negotiated scenes. In the context of
Submission
Submission can mean many different things, most not consistent with a Taken In Hand relationship. As you will see if you take the Taken In Hand tour, Taken In Hand woman generally would not describe themselves as submissive, but they do enjoy being firmly controlled their husband and they do positively want him to be in charge.
TPE
TPE stands for ‘total power exchange’ and depending upon which source you read, it implies that one person completely controls another in a long-term relationship. Also known as an ‘absolute power relationship’ it is what both parties want. TPE relationships are usually considered the hardcore, extreme end of BDSM. Some BDSM websites describe this as the ultimate dominant-submissive relationship; others say that it is merely a distant aim and not something they think they can actually achieve. Paradoxically, perhaps, some descriptions of TPE/AP relationships sound much more like a Taken In Hand relationship than you might expect if you think of TPE as extreme BDSM. Taken In Hand can sound boringly conservative and conventional to anyone with a penchant for some of the more elaborate, painful, ritualistic, theatrical, humiliating BDSM practices, but it is hardcore and extreme to anyone who doesn't like the idea of the man's control not being confined to set scenes and times. Perhaps TPE is where Taken In Hand meets BDSM.