Glossary

Do not read this glossary to get an idea of what Taken In Hand is about, because these terms are not about Taken In Hand, and I, the site owner, don't use them myself.

A Taken In Hand relationship
Taken In Hand relationships are wholehearted sexually-exclusive marriages in which the husband wears the trousers and is firmly in charge (to his wife's delight!)—and he always puts his wife and their relationship first. Putting her and the relationship first is the key to creating a marriage in which the man is in control in a good, healthy and sustainable way. Taken In Hand wives tend not to claim to be submissive (though their husbands may well consider them to be so) but they do respect, honour and appreciate their husbands and strive to please them.

BDSM
Taken In Hand is not BDSM, so if you've come to this site looking for BDSM you are going to be very disappointed. BDSM (bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism), also called “kinky”, refers to a number of different ways of interacting sexually, and/or relationship styles, including very ritualised, stylised modes of interaction. Some BDSM relationships involve sexual scenes and role-playing in a particular style (such as master-slave or dominant-submissive) but outside the sexual arena the relationship (if there is a relationship) is completely equal. 24/7 BDSM relationships can be an extended scene with all the safeguards for which the BDSM community is well-known, or (I'm told) it can be more like a Taken In Hand relationship, with no safety net. BDSM is associated with play parties and munchies, promiscuity, open relationships, extreme sex, pain, humiliation play, and the use of particular costumes, modes of address, rituals and protocols, but not all BDSM folk enjoy all or any of these things. BDSM folk tend to think that Taken In Hand is BDSM but BDSM leaves most Taken In Hand folk cold, so I don't think Taken In Hand can really be said to be BDSM. Moreover, BDSM community ideas, behaviours and ways of using language, seem from the perspective of Taken In Hand a bit too rigid, rule-bound and formulaic. BDSM relationships look too static and somehow artificial to me with my Taken In Hand inclinations. Taken In Hand readers simply don't find BDSM literature and ideas erotic even though they are more than willing to admit that they do find Taken In Hand ideas erotic. BDSM doesn't float the average Taken In Hand person's boat. This is in no way to say that BDSM people are in any way inferior or wrong: I am merely pointing out that from a Taken In Hand perspective, there is a difference.

See below for the intersection of Taken In Hand and BDSM.

See also:
SM (sadomasochism)
Masochism
BDSM practices in our Taken In Hand relationship
SM / D/s / BDSM in a Taken In Hand relationship?
Why is BDSM so popular?
From BDSM to Taken In Hand
The erotic power of the unshackled man

Blanket consent
Blanket consent refers to the idea of giving your husband the freedom to act forcefully and at least in one sense (though not a deeper sense) ‘against your will’. I, the owner of this site, find this idea problematic, in that it is often taken to mean giving consent explicitly once, such that the other person may rely on that consent for ever more, irrespective of anything the person who gave the blanket consent may then say. To me, consent is vital, and the idea of blanket consent—at least as posters sometimes express it here—seems to allow for real non-consent. To my mind, consent is important in the moment, on an on-going basis. I do not mean that there must be explicit consent, but the person must be consenting psychologically, as opposed to distressed. The abused wife who refuses to leave her husband is distressed and would prefer her husband not to abuse her. She is not consenting in the important psychological sense, even if she refuses to leave him, even if she says she consents. But a Taken In Hand wife (who some might mistakenly think is being abused) is not only not distressed but is psychologically deeply consenting and would hate it if her bossy husband were to start deferring to her or if he were to stop being in charge. The psychological state of the Taken In Hand wife is neither the same as that of the abused wife (who is not consenting)—and nor is it the same as some mentally disturbed submissive women, who really aren't consenting to everything they are subjected to, but whose psychological autonomy is too fractured for them to assert themselves. They submit not in joy and delight but in pain and distress. This is not genuine consent, however much they may say that it is. This is disturbed vulnerable individuals being further harmed. If it wounds you—if it makes you feel distressed—you are not genuinely consenting, and no good can come of it. The idea of blanket consent does not capture all this, so I think it is a bad term to use.

D/s
D/s or Ds (not to be confused with Taken In Hand) is about dominance and submission and means different things to different people. It may or may not involve a relationship, and a D/s relationship may or may not be sexually exclusive one (unlike Taken In Hand, which assumes a wholehearted, sexually exclusive, fully-committed, permanent marriage). It can be all about the dominant partner, the submissive partner(s) being expected to serve and service the dominant partner's every whim. D/s relationships sometimes fall into the mistake of the dominant partner being so self-absorbed that it harms the submissive partner(s). (Taken In Hand is not all about the man, it is for both, and whilst the husband is in charge, both try to please the other, as opposed to one doing all the giving and the other doing all the receiving. Moreover, in a Taken In Hand relationship, because the husband has power over his wife, he takes special care always to put his wife and their relationship first. This is the key to being in charge in a good, healthy and sustainable way.)

DD (Domestic Discipline)
DD (domestic discipline) refers to spanking and/or other forms of “discipline’ (such as corner time, writing lines, etc) used, usually in a relationship though not necessarily, as “punishment’ for “infractions’ of “rules’. This thrills and excites the partners but they often swear blind that there is no erotic element. DD relationships often fall into the problem of the spanker being burdened with taking responsibility for the behaviour of the spankee, who can in some cases be very high-maintenance, narcissistic and self-absorbed. (By contrast, Taken In Hand is not all about the woman, it is for both wife and husband, and while some Taken In Hand relationships do involve physical force, Taken In Hand wives absolutely take responsibility for their own actions, and strive to please their husband rather than making his life a misery with endless high-maintenance demands.)

Discipline
(Not necessarily anything to do with Taken In Hand, note.) Discipline, in this context, refers to “discipline” used in a consensual relationship, NOT to anything really non-consensual. This is not about abuse. If you ask the person whether she would REALLY prefer not to be disciplined, she would say “No! I prefer this kind of relationship. I love it that he feels able to take this action! I do NOT want him not to discipline me!” She might say that it is against her will at the time it happens, but if anyone were to try to get her to leave her partner, she would be thinking, “What?! Are you CRAZY?! This is the kind of relationship I've always DREAMED of! No WAY am I leaving!” and she would NOT be happy if you were to succeed in persuading her husband or boyfriend to desist from this “discipline”. Some readers may get the impression that the discipline is not consensual, because some people draw a distinction between “erotic discipline” and “non-erotic discipline”. In my view, “non-erotic discipline” refers to discipline which appears to be against the person's will in the moment it happens, but which that person wants at a deeper level, such that without it, she would feel that there is something missing, or she would not be so attracted to and excited by her husband, etc. For some women, this helps them feel relaxed and safe. They need to know that their man will not let them ill-treat him or otherwise behave badly. Note that “discipline” is not a part of most Taken In Hand relationships. I mention this term simply because some readers (particularly DD folk) mention it here, and I want to stress the consensual nature of what they are referring to.

head of the household
HOH stands for “Head of the Household”; HOR stands for “Head of the Relationship”. They refer to a relationship structure in which one partner, usually the man, is deemed by both partners to be in charge. Again, this can mean different things to different people. In some cases, it means that he makes all the decisions; in others, it means that he is the final arbiter if there is a dispute; in others, it means simply that he leads slightly in some areas of their relationship. It might be quite obvious that the man is the master, or it might be quite subtle and not obvious. It might just mean that the man “wears the trousers” in some sense. Again, not all Taken In Hand couples identify with the HoH idea. I mention this term simply because some posters use it here.

M/s
(Again, nothing to do with Taken In Hand.) M/s refers to the “master/slave” relationship, in which one person is owned by the other, either with all that that implies, in the case of an absolute power relationship, or in a more superficial sense.

Masochism
Masochism is the psychological tendency to derive pleasure, often including sexual pleasure, from emotional or physical pain. Please note that Taken In Hand is not about masochism. In her book, Masochism: A Jungian View, Lyn Cowan brilliantly describes masochism this way: “Masochism is an art of holding oneself in oppositional extremity. The masochist sees himself living—appears to live—in extremis, at the very edge of danger, madness, death. A masochist's pleasure is extremely painful and his pain, extremely pleasurable. Often opposite feelings like pride and humiliation are present simultaneously, both torturous, both pleasurable. In the midst of such emotional extremity, the need and feeding of the masochistic compulsion is clearly, itself, part of the torture and pleasure. There is pride in this cliff-hanging extremity, in maintaining these impossible oppositions without plunging over the edge. It is an extreme pride, a pride of extremity, of going to extremes and surviving. It is a pride of promethean proportions.” (page 92)

OTK
OTK stands for “over the knee” and refers to putting your wife over your knee and spanking her. Not a Taken In Hand thing, but the term is sometimes used by DD folk on this site nevertheless.

SM (sadomasochism)
SM (sadomasochism) is a psychological tendency to derive sexual pleasure from getting or giving emotional and/or physical pain. Sadomasochistic relationships and interactions are often intense. Fictional examples—rather unhealthy ones—can be found in The Night Porter and possibly Naboer. Please note that Taken In Hand is not SM.

Service kink
The service kink is a need to serve that amounts to, or is related to, an erotic preference. This has absolutely nothing to do with Taken In Hand. Some authorities (such as Pat Allen) argue that it is the masculine leader who serves the woman he leads, and the feminine woman in or desiring a male-led relationship who receives his service.

Submission
Submission can mean many different things, most not consistent with a Taken In Hand relationship. As you will see if you take the Taken In Hand tour, Taken In Hand woman generally do not claim to be submissive. They do, however, enjoy being firmly kept in line by their husband, and they do positively want him to be in charge.

TPE
TPE stands for “total power exchange” and depending upon which source you read, it implies that one person completely controls another in a long-term relationship. Also known as an “absolute power relationship” it is what both parties want. TPE relationships are usually considered the hardcore, extreme end of BDSM. Some BDSM websites describe this as the ultimate dominant-submissive relationship; others say that it is merely a distant aim and not something they think they can actually achieve. Paradoxically, perhaps, some descriptions of TPE/AP relationships sound much more like a Taken In Hand relationship than you might expect if you think of TPE as extreme BDSM. Taken In Hand can sound boringly conservative and conventional to anyone with a penchant for some of the more elaborate, painful, ritualistic, theatrical, humiliating BDSM practices, but it is hardcore and extreme to anyone who doesn't like the idea of the man's control not being confined to set scenes and times. Perhaps TPE is where Taken In Hand meets BDSM.