Give me intensity or give me death!

For a man who wants to take a woman in hand, or a woman who wants to be taken in hand, a conventional equal relationship can feel like a living death – a dull, grey, flat, boring blankness. Something is missing: verve, vitality, life. Something is missing: power, passion, concentrated focus, force. Something is missing: intensity.

A person without any intensity is not a person I could be with.

It is not that intensity alone is enough. There are plenty of bad intense people – narcissists, psychos, horribly co-dependent types, individuals whose intensity is not a force for good. It would not do to end up with one of those people. But if you need intensity in a person, you need it.

“How foolish you are to require this!” shriek our critics. “At this rate you'll be single and celibate for life!” they gloat.

What these people fail to appreciate is that not everyone shares their particular preferences in life. For some of us, the alternative to being with a person who has intensity is not a relationship with a person who lacks intensity, but no relationship at all until the day we die. That, at any rate, is my preference. And I know other Taken In Hand folk feel the same way, though we may sometimes try to feel differently.

We try to squeeze ourselves into the conventional box with a conventional person who is happy in a conventional relationship, and it fails. We tell ourselves not to be so silly, to stop needing a relationship to be Taken In Hand, to be thankful for what we have, or to stop rejecting potential mates because they do not have the intensity and desires of a Taken In Hand person. We beat ourselves up for wanting what we want and for being who we are, just like some try to overcome their desire to be with someone they find attractive instead of someone they find repulsive. Some (very misguidedly) tell themselves that they are being “too superficial” in caring about physical attraction. We tell ourselves that we shouldn't want a Taken In Hand relationship. But what folly it is to pretend not to care about these things. How much worse it is to delude ourselves – how much worse for all concerned.

Many of us have tried to create relationships with persons who lack the Taken In Hand fire – and failed. If you hardly ever meet anyone with the necessary intensity, you might begin to wonder if such individuals exist. You might wonder whether Taken In Hand and the thousands of people reading and posting on Taken In Hand are all a figment of your fevered imagination.

If the only intense individuals you meet are self-serving narcissists or crazy bunny boiler types, you might begin to wonder if your desire for a Taken In Hand relationship is entirely healthy. You might try to be happy with the person next door who is, after all, nice – except that there's something missing: intensity.

But then you meet someone who is kind and sane and reasonable, like the person next door, but who also has intensity and Taken In Hand tendencies that thrill you. And then you remember why you can't settle for the person next door. Then you know with renewed conviction why you feel so strongly that you would rather be single and celibate for life than settle for a conventional equal relationship with the person next door. Even if the relationship with the intense but sane and kind person does not work out, it can be a source of joy for you, helping you keep clearly in mind what you want.

When a person is right for you, they feel right for you. They add vibrancy and joy to your life, as you do to theirs; they do not make you feel flat, bored, annoyed with yourself for failing to feel what you are supposed to feel, or any other such depressing things. They do not seem dull, numb, flat, lifeless. When a person is right for you, you do not have a nagging feeling that something is missing – and neither do they. The person may well be full of faults; there may be many problems; but they feel right nevertheless.

This is not to say that you should ignore glaring faults and commit yourself to someone unworthy on the basis on a foolhardy romantic notion that if it feels right it is right. But if it does not feel right, it isn't right. And if you are the kind of person who likes a bit of intensity in your relationship, and would rather be single and celibate until the day you die if you never meet someone who has that quality, then you might understand my title:

Give me intensity or give me death!

the boss

Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
The subjection of women
Barbie is the doll, Ken is just an accessory.
Women want men who are more dominant
Why you shouldn't mention the ‘M’ word
The resistant woman
Wanting a masterful man
Taken in hand by tenderness
Surrendered in love
He's in charge. . . but I do it my way
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance

2005 Aug 12 - 13:45 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Feeling OK Is Not Good Enough

Almost all of my recent "relationships" felt OK, but none of them had that special "zing" or "spark". They were just OK, and I had that nearly depressing feeling of "why bother?", which, of course, led to the rapid end of those "relationships". It's very difficult to find anyone who feels alive in an overwhelming sea of zombies.

KrosRogue

by KrosRogue on 2005 Aug 13 - 09:45 | reply to this comment

Intensity!

Oh wow, your article spoke volumes to me.

Intensity, that's what's missing. If you need it, you need it: why pretend you don't, why conform to the "norm"?

Saying that though, what does one do when one's partner is "conventional and safe", the marriage is reasonably good and has no "real" reason to leave the marriage? I guess one has to learn to deny one's own feelings. I've been divorced once already, I don't really want to go through it all again.

Gee, I feel in a right quandry now. I'm with a good man, we are happy in our own way, but it lacks intensity and that "spark", we are very, very comfortable with each other, (we've been together 8 years, married 5), both in our mid 40's & 50's.

I have a choice to leave and find someone that is "right" for me, or be on my own which I'd be ok with (though lonely at times) or stay with my husband who is a good, kind, caring man though safe and "normal", and I know he does love me, though our love is not a passionate love, but a brother/sister, good friends type love (if that makes sense)? There is no denying there is a love between us.

Grace

by Grace on 2005 Aug 24 - 18:34 | reply to this comment

If you are unhappy in a relationship...

...you have two choices:

(1) End it;
(2) Find a way to make it work for the two of you.

If you choose (2), it follows that doing things that make you less happy in the relationship, more dissatisfied, more frustrated, not so nice to your spouse, are a huge mistake.

Falling between the two stools is a sure way to misery. Constantly wanting the impossible is antirational and a mistake.

If your man is completely incapable of being the man in a Taken In Hand relationship, banging your head against a brick wall is not going to help. You need to accept it and move on positively from there, not waste time trying to achieve the impossible. Focus on the good things you DO have with him, not the things he lacks. That is the way to become happier with him.

That is -- if it really is as hopeless as all that. To anyone in this situation, are you sure you are judging these things correctly? Could it be that you are not seeing the potential or actuality that is there? This happens all the time in marriages. Then someone else comes along who CAN see what you can't, and the spouse is away with the new person whose view is so much more positive.

But if it really isn't going to happen, and you want not to be completely miserable for ever, and you do not want to end it, for goodness sake stop reading this site and fantasising about being with a different kind of man, and put all your focus and love and attention and positive regard on the man you have. That is the only way to give yourself a chance of feeling better, in my opinion.

by the boss on 2005 Aug 25 - 23:57 | reply to this comment

This article spoke so loudly to me.

I have come to think of life and relationships like this: I am an ocean swimmer. Sometimes the ocean allows me to float easily on the gentle waves, sometimes it washes itself over me and pushes me under, and at times it tosses me under, all asses and elbows, knees scraping the bottom, lungs tight for air, and tosses me on the beach spitting and sputtering, eyes burning, but alive. Exhilarated and alive.

I am not happy swimming in a swimming pool, a uniform 4 feet deep, constant 74 degrees, and politely chlorinated.

I want the intensity of the ocean. I am not afraid to feel all the things I feel. I need to be able to express myself with the full intensity I feel life.

J's G

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Aug 29 - 01:36 | reply to this comment

A sea of zombies?

KrosRogue wrote:

It's very difficult to find anyone who feels alive in an overwhelming sea of zombies.

But if you remain optimistic and don't get too cynical, you may yet notice the alive ones in the sea of zombies. If you think that everyone is a zombie, you will see everyone as a zombie. You have to retain hope.

by the boss on 2005 Sep 25 - 18:59 | reply to this comment

Hi, I've been where you are,

Hi, I've been where you are, so I understand how you feel. I broke it up with the 'safe' guy becuase I realised one day that I was far to young to consider ever 'settling' down or 'settling' for someone that wasnt rocking my boat.

I was 30 at the time, but I hope i still feel the same way when I'm 70! You see, i'm not a settling down sort of a person, so what was I thinking off!

The more important point though, is does this person challenge you? Does your relationship push you to grow as a person? Do you want to grow as a person or do you prefer being comfortable? Being comfortable, safe and secure are qualities accepted as acheivments in this society, but is that what you want?

I'm now in a rather volitile relationship with a man who has made me feel the extremeties of human emotion, right now we are apart (2 weeks and counting) and it hurts like hell, I go through such a rollercoaster with him, form loving him so much I would submit my entire being to him, to sometimes hating him. But right now, despite the emotional turmoil and pain I am in, I feel so invogorated and I know that I am learning so much about myself from this relationship, that whatever happens, I will never regret it.

This is what I want, but what do you want?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Oct 13 - 10:39 | reply to this comment

give me intensity...

Oh, yeah!! you would not believe the number of women friends I have - married -- who tell me I should be looking for "companionship". Screw companionship, I have cats and friends for that! I am divorced, and unattached and looking for that intensity with the right man. Yes!

by firebird on 2006 Jul 30 - 01:03 | reply to this comment

There is a substantial differ

There is a substantial difference between celibacy and sexual loss. Sexual loss is occasioned by the lack of available or appropriate partners and is not elective... celibacy is the deliberate choosing of asexual existence as a form of sexuality that is realised in abstention.

I was a practicing celibate for a few years when I did not want to be distracted from other priorities in my life. Being celibate allowed me to achieve some important professional and financial goals and once I had achieved these I resumed my usual sexuality.

Understanding the problems of sexual loss for the Taken In Hand male starts with acknowledging their desire for a relationship that meets their needs for dominance... and the nature of how male dominance is being recast in the post-modern world. Power is increasingly shifting away from men because of their gender and is being accorded to those who can command in the information economy. This is a transitional crisis that denies simple explanation but its impact on gender relations and particular the Taken In Hand community is considerable likely to cause increasing confusion among new and old power adherents.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 May 13 - 12:10 | reply to this comment

I understand totally...

...unfortunatly.

After many yrs. of marriage it has become painfully clear my husband and I will never be more than roomates. Were it not for the children involved, needing us both, I'd leave. Much of the time it's unbearable. I am fairly young and just cannot accept my life is THIS. Alas, I'm stuck. I would caution anyone to make sure you discuss all this and more in great detail before marrying. I wouldn't wish loveless marrage on my worst enemy. :(

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 Oct 26 - 17:35 | reply to this comment

Leaving a dead marriage

Please understand me, I am not telling the last person to post what is right for her life, nor anyone else who reads these pages. However I was very unhappily married and fought (myself) for ages against leaving because we had children. In the end, and not going into tedious detail, I did end the marriage. Telling the children was the worst thing I have ever had to do BUT... you know what? Two years later they are still the same resiliant, happy, well-adjusted, socially-aware and academically ok kids they were before; they spend a lot of time with their dad whom I never badmouth, and both he and I have new partners whom the kids like. (He and I still do not get along but the kids are for the most part unaware). Plus my new partner is pretty much everything I ever hoped to find in a man and we have a fledgling and very happy potential Taken In Hand relationship.

I would not dream of telling anyone how to lead their lives, only that I got to a point where my own life had no meaning and happiness beyond my children's, and that was not a good enough reason to carry on with the status quo, because I knew they would be ok if I was mature and rational and compassionate. And I tried to be, and have no regrets.

I am a firm believer in marriage and would like to marry again one day. I did not end my marriage lightly. However, I know many people who are trapped in day to day loveless misery, and sometimes a state of permanent fear and anxiety... all I would say to you is, please, do not waste your life; care for those you love and believe that there is a sunny hilltop out there for you somewhere, and that you DESERVE it. Cougar x

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 Oct 28 - 20:20 | reply to this comment

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