From exhausted single mother to happy Taken In Hand wife

I am a very independent, intelligent and business-accomplished woman. Being divorced with young children forced me to take on the role of mother, father and breadwinner. Although I was surviving, and on the outside I presented a happy face, I was not happy. I was simply exhausted from doing everything alone, from having every ounce of responsiblity myself and of worrying about my children in the middle of the night with no one to speak to.

One evening, in the rain, S offered to change a tire—as he said any gentleman should do, and we have been together ever since.

From the beginning of our relationship I knew that S was an old-fashioned type of man, opening doors, being extra polite, etc. I loved those habits that made me feel special. What I also loved was that he listened to what I said, we talked about our lives, dreams, and fears. As time went on, S would stop by while I was out of town and the kids were with their dad and cut my grass, or clean out the garage, or make dinners and leave them in my fridge with a note that said, 'No one should have to work as hard as you do—I hope the dinners give you a little free time'. (I still have the notes—13+ years later!). He did all this without me ever asking him to. And he did all these things without expecting anything in return. That's how I know he was listening to me, because all those things he did—big or small—were things that he and I talked about at one point or another.

One day I asked why he did those things for me, and he told me it was because he could see how capable I was of juggling my and my children's lives, but he could also see how tired I was—and he wanted to take care of me—to do something to give me a little rest. A few weeks later we were engaged.

When we married, we decided to live a 'traditional' relationship with him leading. I don't think it was because I thought this way was best—I didn't give it much thought. It was because I was EXHAUSTED and very happy to share the work of life with anyone who asked!!!!! I was thrilled to have him make decisions for us. I was thrilled that he paid the bills. I was thrilled that he and the kids took care of the yard, the cars and all the sports stuff in the garage. I was thrilled that he watched out for my health and would tell me to walk a bit every day. I was thrilled that he would do things just for me, just to make me happy! I was thrilled to be able to have some rest—mental and physical—from the draining job of raising children alone. The bottom line for me was we fell into this Taken In Hand relationship because I saw all the benefits.

Today, after many years of marriage, we still have a Taken In Hand relationship. Over time I have 'tested the limits' of my husband's patience and strength and each time he has responded by taking me in hand. I have at times (after our child was born) questioned his decisions and wondered if I am just being controlled because I am too mentally lazy in our home life to give issues a lot of thought. But what I discovered is that I enjoy his leadership, and in my marriage, I am always safe, so I don't do a lot of unecessary worrying. I also found that I have no desire to be in control. My husband relishes control. So for us, this works just fine.

And finally, I have found that I respond quite well to S's controlling nature, to his protectiveness of me and our children, that because I don't have to be responsible for everything, I have time to be me. This life for us is easy—not perfect, but it is definitely easy.

Both S and I came from 'equal' relationships with lots of negativity—but had no good way to deal with it. Our traditional marriage with him leading may not be equal, but it certainly is equitable. S sets limits and a few rules that are good for us. He has our best interest at heart—I know that, so it is easy to 'get with the program'—plus after 10 years, he has not been wrong very often in his judgements and when he is wrong, he apologizes—(the sign of a strong man)!

I think the reason I have evolved into a Taken In Hand wife/advocate (LOL) is that I see this as a way where each person can use his or her strength to build a relationship based upon love, honesty and respect. It is also a relationship where neither person needs to be overwhelmed by 'doing it all alone'.

Now we certainly have 'our days' and I have my times when I am too resistant, but gentle or not so gentle reminders always seem to bring me back into line. I've come to see my husband's rules not as bossiness that I am putting up with, but as a constant reminder of how much he cares for me. What could be more perfect than that?

By the way, when I asked S what he gets out of our marriage, he said, he gets a loving, adoring wife, sex whenever he wants, happy kids, and the peacful home that results from him leading and controlling me. He finished his comment off with the following statement "I guess it boils down to I get a happy wife, and a happy wife means a happy life".

A Happy and NOT Exhausted Taken In Hand Wife...


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Have you seen the following articles?
Why are Taken In Hand relationships so intimate and connected?
Who wants a slave?
Forget 'ideal'—look for the real
How do I know whether Taken In Hand is right for me?
Why is commitment important?
Circumventing consent in a Taken In Hand relationship
Do you show your appreciation when she obeys?
Bewitching Samantha
How do I broach the subject of Taken In Hand?



Quoting the above Poster:

I've come to see my husband's rules not as bossiness that I am putting up with, but as a constant reminder of how much he cares for me. What could be more perfect than that?

Nothing. This is perfection. Really

Second go round as a housewife

My experience is also as you describe. I was the exhausted single mom, too. I was physically and emotionally spent, yet had trouble shutting off my brain at bedtime. It seemed that there was always someone or something I was neglecting in my daily life; I was constantly torn between what I wanted to do and what I should do.

Now that my new husband is in charge in our home, things are very different. Though I still have primary responsibility for my son and for things around the house, I feel like my burden weighs less than half of what it did.

In this rough economy, I am unemployed, and continue to look for work daily. But my focus is now on homemaking—cooking, cleaning, taking on the traditionally female role our mothers and grandmothers did in times past. In my first marriage decades ago, I also did my stint as fulltime homemaker, but it was very different than the pleasure it is now. My efforts were not appreciated nor valued; I felt stifled and thought that my brain was atrophying from boredom and the trivialities I dealt with. Ahh, how feminism skewed my view of life then.

This time around, I take pride in the meals I prepare. I am ever mindful of all that my husband does for our family, and appreciate how hard he works (something I regretfully didn't do in my first marriage). I actually enjoy cleaning and finding ways to economize at home while we are living on one paycheck.

I don't have the stress and worries I had as a single working mom. I feel freer to just be myself. I find joy in creating a pleasing home, and get pleasure by pleasing my husband. He, in turn, is loving, kind and attentive, though firm. He is definitely the boss, and I am ever so grateful to him. Even my 13-year old son with special needs is responding well to his gentle leadership.

So until I am able to find employment in my field, I will cook and clean and pamper those I love, and enjoy my life. And when employment once again beckons, I will put on my outward world smile and return to the fray...and think back on this time with fond nostalgia.

His jewel

His Jewel,

His Jewel,
You wrote: "I feel freer to just be myself. I find joy in creating a pleasing home, and get pleasure by pleasing my husband. He, in turn, is loving, kind and attentive, though firm."

This is exactly how I feel! I haven't been able to do what I really wanted to do for a very long time (almost 20+ years!). But now because I don't have to do everything alone, I am free to explore the things that I like. You know, it took quite a bit of time after we married for me to realize that I really could take some time for myself...But now I'm totally into the swing of things—LOL.

I participate in activities that only I really like... and S has no problems with that. I buy things that I love & surround myself with little reminders of my childhood home—which I miss terribly—and S just laughs at all my knick-knacks! I dream now—something I didn't dare do before because I had to focus on the day at hand to get through each day. And I share my dreams with S—as he shares his with me...And it's wonderful.

I would not trade this life for any other. To have someone who cares for me, our children and WANTS to share his life with me is a great blessing! He does feel a sense of responsibility for our marriage and our family, but it is a responsibility that he wants, he cherishes and he revels in doing well. That, I think, is key for us. He won't give up when things are going off course. He will simply put us all first & put things back on course. That usually means him taking a good hard look at himself before he looks at us. And when he finds fault in himself, he adjusts. And when he finds fault in me, I adjust (with his help). Neither of us has to be perfect. It is a good life!

BTW—I am no longer a stay at home housewife, but I enjoyed every minute of it when I was. Although you are looking for a job now, I am glad to see that you still get to enjoy being home for now. Good luck in all that life brings you!


exhausted single mom

Thank you for your posting. I feel as though I am reading about myself. I am still currently a single mom and exhausted and I envy you and everything you have found in your life. I yearn for that someone to Take me In Hand. I have followed this website for years and know in my heart what I want. Not only to have a wonderful marriage but to have it lead by a strong man that loves and cherishes me and my son. Wish me luck in my continued search.