Why do I feel angry?
I have been is several failed relationships in the past, all of which I fought to have total control and won and then ended up miserable! I am now back with my high school sweetheart, who was also my first husband, and very happy. We are remarried and it is wonderful! He was always a dominant partner and I new I needed that. I am the one who approached him with the Taken In Hand idea for us. Well he was very open to it and we were eager to implement it right away. This is where the problem comes in....
I wanted to include physical discipline in our relationship, and initially I felt just like everyone said I would and I felt safe, loved and closer to him and a little scared when it came to the discipline side of things, but very much loving the fact that he had taken over the control and was standing firm on rules he set out.
But after the first two weeks of trying out the whole punishment idea, I am now actually finding myself feeling very rebellious toward him, even immediately after being punished, and sometime I actually feel more angry after the spankings than I did before them. Why is this? Can anyone tell me why this is happening or give me any ideas or feedback?
I love him so dearly and I know that this is the type of relationship I need and want, because in all my past relationships(which failed miserably BTW) I was a total monster and demanded so much from my partners and had TOTAL control, and I was miserable and each time the relationships failed.
Why am I feeling this way? Are we not doing this right? Is there a way I can understand why I am feeling this way and change it?
Any advice or feedback would be helpful.
Thanks so much for reading and listening to my babbling.
Nee'
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#1 What do you think?
Do you think perhaps that his punishment given to you isn't enough? What I mean is, (and I don't have a lot of experience with this) if your spanking or whatever punishment isnt harsh enough to break your mood or your insolance, then perhaps it's not real or strong enough? I know for me it HAS to be real. I have not really received any harsh punishment for two reasons but one of them is he is afraid that I will become MORE defiant. Do you think maybe you are more angry because its simply not real? Or not harsh enough? Or is it that you thought you wanted this but now know you don't? There's many different kinds of Taken In Hand relationships. Only some of them involve punishment.
Maria
#2 Re What do you think?
I appreciate your insight, and I do KNOW that I do still want this type of relationship. It is very important to me to have a man in my life that can handle me and keep me in hand. I need that. As to your other suggestion, I will have to think about that one.
#3 Re What do you think?
I have given some thought to your question of whether or not his punishment given me is perhaps not harsh enough, and after much contemplation I have come to realize that you may be correct. I have never cried from any punishment and having read some of the other readers' posts and articles, I realize perhaps this is supposed to happen in order to receive the desired result.
Any time he has taken me in hand physically it has been quick and firm but minimal. He has told me that when he sees me start to squirm he thinks I have gotten the point. I think he is perhaps letting me off too easily a lot of the time and I am feeling resentful because I am not feeling any release of guilt or stress.
I asked him before posting this issue on here, and he told me that was fine as long as I got his approval on what I had written first. The other stipulation was that I be honest and share with him any feedback or comments that were posted in response. So I showed him your post when I read it, and he asked me how I felt and to think about it. As I stated previously I did that. And I could just wait for him to read this response and that would take care of letting him know.
However, because we have agreed to be open and honest I have already shared my thoughts with him and my wonderful and loving head of our household has agreed that he will step things up. I am not sure if I should feel relieved or a little nervous about that.... It does make me want to think more before I start running off at the mouth, which is my biggest downfall, and his chief complaint!
I can honestly say I have never once questioned if this was maybe not what I wanted after all, because I can honestly say that I am indeed happier and our love has palpably grown in just the few short weeks since we began exploring the Taken In Hand philosophy.
I feel more in love with him now than I ever did, so I think we are headed in the right direction.
Thank you for your input!
#4 Resentment
Unfair punishments are likely to raise resentment. Being punished / disciplined when you didn;t deserve it is likely to harden a person, and make it more resistant.
I don't get punished, not ever - (I am scolded, on occasion...) - but if I were to be punished, I would certainly be upset if the punishment didn't fit the crime.
For example, I am a bitch in the morning. I am usually made to apologize. However, corner time might be in order.
I am frequently lazy. Could be scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees might cure that.
If I am disrespectful and mouthed off, and didn't respond to a warning; well, then a spanking might be in order....
Maybe you need to step back, get the rules, agree to the consequences ahead of time? If the punishments are just making you angry, you aren't learning anything from them - they aren't working - and you need to discuss this with your husband.
#5 Keep trying to define what you want
Experiment and find what works for you.
As Maria says you will see a lot of non-spanking ways that women get in the habit of deferring to their men. Letting him order in restaurants, asking his permission to do things and so forth.
You have a need and you are angry because it is not being fulfilled. Obviously the need is more than just a spanking. Keep trying to define what that need is.
#6 I agree
I think it takes a while to settle down into your new roles.
We are still pulling and pushing into our new life and it takes a long time. Read 'A year of new management' by Jane M -- it may well help you.
When we began I started 'bratting' terribly. I now realise that I was bratting lots at the start so that I could feel his manliness and control of me. I needed to feel where the boundaries were.
I agree with those who have suggested that your husband's discipline isn't hard enough. At first my husband's spanking was very delicate and not hard at all; it was just embarassing. The other day he spanked me very hard, ending with several smacks from a hairbrush and I almost cried (I'm not a crier). Since then any threat of spanking brings me in hand. All he has to do is place his hand on my buttocks, while we are in public, or give me a certain look and I feel not only fearful of possible consequences, but cared for, loved and protected. I now clearly know where the line is, I do brat sometimes, but all I need now is a stern look and a 'stop it' and I don't dare go beyond the line!
Good luck.
#7 Giving up control
The reason for your anger after a spanking might be that you don't feel sufficiently punished. In the beginning most husbands are not comfortable in spanking their wives too long or too hard. They were taught by their fathers that you don't *hit* girls. They are worried about being an abuser. They have learned that society frowns on men dominating wives and/or girlfriends. It takes men a while to feel comfortable in that role. I know it did for me. It took me almost a year to understand that my wife needed me to spank her thoroughly. Half measure won't do. It may very well be that if he thoroughly spanked you would not feel so angry afterward. So yes, it is important to give her the kind of spanking she wants and needs.
But I think it is more than just spanking longer and harder. Considering societal norms of the 21st century women are taught to be independent. They are taught that they don't need a man to complete them and certainly don't need him to protect her. So it is likely when your husband puts you over his knee for a spanking you resist surrendering to him. What it comes down to is you can't give up control. Do you have difficulty accepting your husband's authority? Do you resent him telling you what to do? Do you find it difficult to obey him? How do you feel when he tells you he doesn't like the way you are talking to him? Maybe, as you learn how to cede authority to him in everyday concerns, you will find it easier to surrender to his authority during a spanking. And with that surrender you won't feel angry.
#8 Spanking and anger
Maybe being spanked for punishment just isn't your thing. You don't have to have spanking in a Taken In Hand relationship; your husband can be in control without spanking you.
Personally, if being spanked made me feel angry I don't think I would want it. I have very occasionally felt resentful after a spanking, but only if I felt it was unfair, which happens very seldom.
Louise
#9 Thank you
Thank you all for all of your insight and input. I am not sure where it will lead us, but I am hoping things will continue to grow in the right direction for us. I am happier now than before we started, and I am learning to be patient with us both as we learn our new roles. I will keep you all posted!
#10 Willing compliance is not always a reasonable expectation
Try not to be too hard on yourselves. In my experience, resistance to this process, if you decide to continue with it, is completely natural. It is extremely hard to give in to someone else's will, no matter how much you consciously want it. There's still a part of you that is going to resist because you are still going to want what you want, on your own terms, not someone else's. In addition to that, if you ever feel like your situation is not equable, that your partner does not deserve your compliance, you aren't going to want to give it to him willingly.
Consider that there might be unconscious anger (or conscious anger) about inequities in the relationship, issues that you're still working out. If nothing else, this kind of relationship really does force you to discuss these inequities, because in my opinion, you can't go forward and make this work if you don't address the issues that prevent your willing compliance.
#11 My Take
I know that there are many times that I feel and act like you. I know part of it is that my husband isn't doing enough of what I need. He's very wishy-washy most of the time and it makes me angry. I, too, was "a total monster and demanded so much from my partners and had total control" in past relationships, and I even started that way with my husband, but I didn't want it to be like that. I am the one who asked for a Taken In Hand relationship, and for the most part, I love it. However, in the beginning, I was constantly testing, and angry and disappointed that he wasn't living up to my unreal expectations. We needed time to grow into this. Well, at least he needed time to grow. I know this is something I've needed and wanted for most of my life. Now that I have had a taste of it, I know I could never go back to how things were. I also know that I need to feel his strong hand just as surely as I need air to breathe. But when it doesn't meet my need, I come away angry. He either lets too much slide (which makes me angry), or when he finally puts his foot down and brings out the paddle, he's too lenient and stops too soon. They say there are stages that one goes through when spanked. Different people say different things, but I know I go through 1) the defiant "I can handle this" stage. Then 2) the "Ouch! That is starting to hurt!" stage. Then 3) the "Ouch! You S.O.B.! That REALLY hurts and you'd better stop now!" anger and avoidance stage. Then comes 4) the panic "Okay! Okay! I'll say anything to make you stop!" stage, and finally 5) the limp acceptance and true cathartic stage. Well, he usually stops at the anger and avoidance stage, which leaves me (duh) ANGRY. I'm suspecting that is what you are experiencing, too, as well as the problem that he's just not being as diligent as you would like. For me, no matter how much or how many times I explain it to him and he says he understands, it doesn't improve, and I just have to accept and appreciate the little bit of "life blood" I get. You can't make someone something they are not, but as long as he is willing to try to fulfill your needs, that is at least something. And maybe, with your guidance, your relationship will evolve into what works best for you two.