Where is the true alpha male?
All my life I have been looking for something, but I did not know what. When I stumbled across this taken in hand term I researched it intently. On one hand, I was most impressed by it, but in another way, it made me very depressed.
Although what I crave is a taken in hand relationship, I doubt I will ever have it. Like other takeninhand-inclined women, I am an alpha female, and have had to be very strong my whole life. In every facet of my life I have had to be a rock. I have had to fight for everything I have. It is, to be perfectly frank, exhausting.
No matter how much I’d want this, the main reason is I have never met a real alpha male. EVER! I have high standards for myself, and if a man cannot even match them, I am disappointed. Weakness in a man is something I truly despise. I would not be controlled by a man who shows weakness, or who is a slave to his own vices.
His strength would not just be a physical attribute but mental too. More often than not, when the first challenge comes, men shy away. I cannot see myself placing my wellbeing in their incapable hands. I would rather be alone than be stuck with a dead weight around my neck.
I spend a lot of time wondering what has happened to the alpha male. When was it such a bad thing for a man to be confident and assertive? I guess that is why I am posting here. I want to know why. I want to know why the alpha male has to even be told to be an alpha…. I have to tell you, even that seems like a joke to me. I can’t remember the last time I was impressed by a man’s demeanor. Most men today can’t even provide for a family; what kind of man is that?
When I was young I spent a great deal of time with my grandparents. My grandfather was an alpha male, and then some! He commanded a great deal of respect from everyone. He was a soft-spoken, strong, active man; he treated my grandmother so well. He was undoubtedly the head of the family, and my grandmother was the heart. They had a perfect harmony in their life and everyone knew their place.
I want that, but it seems I cannot find the other piece to the puzzle. It makes me melancholy but I stated before, I cannot settle for a weak man. When I read about a couple deciding to start a taken in hand relationship, I cringe. If this man didn’t know what he wanted before how can he fill those shoes now? Sometimes I think I want too much, but then I realize, I am an alpha female, and the alpha male I choose has to earn my respect; I will not give it cheaply.
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#1 Give Real Men a Break
No man is going to be perfectly alpha all the time. In my opinion, this tends to be more of a fantasy term for women. The perfect alpha male may exist in romance novels, but in real life, everyone has weaknesses and vulnerabilities. When my husband laid his head on me last night and told me about a problem that is very stressful for him, I played with his hair and listened. I didn't think it made him any less of a leader in our marriage. I was glad he shared what was bothering him, that he trusts me enough to do that. Everyone needs to be able to let their guard down sometimes.
Also, even the most alpha of all alpha males (if you find him) might still have a tender heart. If he loves you, he may hold back because he does not want to hurt you by being too overbearing. Not to mention that if you are a strong person and do not indicate in some way that you want him to be the dominant partner in your relationship, he may keep that part of himself under wraps. That does not mean he is beta or whatever. It just means he wants you to be happy.
Personally, I think women get too wrapped up in this alpha/beta fantasy. Just find a decent man you are sexually attracted to and see what happens. In all likelihood, if you are not excessively bitchy, you will eventually find the man who can keep you in line.
Mrs. KISS
#2 You are so very right.
I believe I am an alpha female as well and I couldn't agree more with all that you said. There are very few true alpha men left. Society has feminized men to the point that even if they are born alpha, they will turn into something else by the time they look for a partner.
I have a similar upbringing as you, in that I needed to be strong all the time as a child, and had to work hard to get what I wanted in life. I am TIRED now, so very tired, and about two years ago I realized that I needed someone stronger than me - another alpha. Unfortunately, the person I married 8 years ago (before I knew better) was not the one. I could not let someone who was weaker than me control me. All the signs were there in the beginning that he was very beta (and very comfy being so), but everyone was telling me he was perfect.
The main problem with us was that he constantly sought approval from me, and well, everyone pretty much. This is a habit I ignored, because he was a good guy overall, but eventually it was the downfall of everything. We tried many things, and the more we tried, the more non-genuine it felt. I let go - but he still came to me for everything. If he did make a decison, he questioned it the entire time. At the core, he just did not see himself in charge, and it showed.
The desire to lead is either there in a man, or it isn't. I don't know if I would ever be able to let go completely in a relationship that didn't start off as taken in hand. Like you, being alone has been better than being attached to a grown man who I had to look out for, at the end of the day.
Hopefully we both meet that special someone SOON :) I often wonder where they are myself.
#3 They're Everywhere
If by "alpha men" you mean men who are capable of leadership in a marriage, I've met plenty of them. You just have to be able to get to know them and recognize their qualities. If you think that all men have been feminized, then that is what you will see when you meet new men. In other words, because you think that all men are like this, all men have the alpha feminized out of them by society, you are not likely to realize when you have met the right man.
Even if you were previously married to a mama's boy (since I don't know him, I don't know if he was), that doesn't mean all men are like that. My husband has always been the one in charge in our relationship. Since we married so young, he should not have had the confidence for this, but he did. It's natural for him. I have met enough men like him that I can say for certain they do still exist. Mr. KISS is only the best of the breed, not the last.
Mrs. KISS
#4 Real Men
Mrs Kiss has hit the nail on the head in my opinion. No real life man is perfectly Alpha and dominant all the time, men have moments of weakness just like anyone else. They may need reassurance or comfort sometimes. And they may not get everything exactly right all the time. You have to accept that everyone has normal human feelings.
Louise
#5 Where are the alpha males
Well, original poster and mimi, this site is full of posts by women whose men did not start out dominant enough, but who grew into the role with time and love. And yes, often that appears to have involved the woman introduce to the man what it was she needed. Not exactly the stuff of fantasy novels, perhaps, but wonderful examples of how to make a relationship work in real world.
If, in fact, you two will accept nothing than someone who is already just about perfect, good luck with that. I don't doubt such men are out there, but when you rule out the majority of perfectly good men, you necessarily are going to have to look far and wide for the few that will do.
From what I can see, there are a lot of downright enviable relationships between people who post here, which started out with husband and wife each assuming the role and gradually growing into it. Mutual love, respect, and a man's natural desire to do his best to give his wife what she needs, can accomplish a lot (if you let them).
#6 Perfect timing
Thank you, Artlover, for your comments. I read them just as I was about to throw in the towel and give up hope of ever being taken in hand in the way I want to be.
Your comments gave me cause for reflection and I realized that my wonderful husband and I have come a long way from a little over two years ago when I first broached the subject. (His SNAG reaction had been recoil and horror – not a ‘true alpha male’ response, I suspect!)
‘Mutual love, respect, and the man’s natural desire to do his best and give the wife what she needs, can accomplish a lot. (if you let them)’
This sentence really spoke to me. A while ago, I asked my husband why he had finally decided to seriously have a go at a Taken In Hand marriage, and he replied that it was because he loved me and wanted to make me happy.
In my uncertainty over his inconsistencies, I lose sight of the fact that neither of us is perfect and he is doing his best. He quite rightly points out that I must let him progress naturally, to grow into the role, if this is to be more than a game, a page out of a fantasy novel.(his words)
Once, in frustration, I asked him if he wanted me to forget all about being Taken In Hand and revert to our old ways of being together. He responded by saying that it was too late now – that there was too much that was good about it to revert. This was music to my ears!
I need to politely remind him about the importance of consistency and he will firmly remind me about the importance of patience.
Ahhhhhhh patience.
Cheers
Nartie
#7 Perfect timing
You are welcome, Nartie. It is gratifying to have said something that someone found helpful.
#8 Alpha Men
Whenever I read a comment about how society has 'feminized' men, I get so frustrated and disheartened. It is not really a great distance from "All men are girlie-men" to "All men are rapists" - I find these sentiments from both sides incredibly disrespectful to men... and to the women who love them.
Finding love is difficult - not because men are not alpha enough or women have become "too liberated" - but because it IS really hard to find a life partner. Back in those pre-feminist days, (when men were men you know....), we married the first person who came along, for better or worse. We married to be married if we were poor, or we married for position if we were not. And, I submit, we had just as much chance of marrying a man with mommy-issues as we do now.
Furthermore, even if you DO find an "alpha-male" to marry, it might not be the right alpha male. I married young, the first really dominant man that I found. And, as well as being dominant, he was narcissistic, emotionally abusive, dismissive of my needs - and he didn't like women very much (he had mommy issues of his own.)
If you want to find the right man, be the woman you'd like to be within that relationship. If you are only attracting submissive men, you may be repelling dominant men. Submissive men are very attracted to women who put out dominant energy, women who seem difficult and unconquerable. Most dominant men will not deal with women who put that out - its too much work.
Dating is hard. Finding a good life partner is hard. Treat your potential partners with respect, and know that most men are simply looking for a woman whom they can make happy.
#9 Fantasies about what power looks like
Men who have real power in the world do not go waving that power around like it's some kind of flag, you know. My father was the CEO of a major international organization, and he and I were able to be honest with each other about his emotions. We talked about his dreams (not his dreams of conquering great nations; his actual, literal dreams). We talked about his fears my mother would leave him (of course, she never did; that was just a reflection of his anxieties of loss; in fact, he died before she did).
My dad was a highly respected man who never once laid a finger on me, smacked me, showed me violence or rage. He expressed his disapproval through sarcasm and disappointment, but that was as far as it went, although that on its own was devastating to me.
Prior to that, my grandfather was an old-school dictator-type, running the household according to his standards, but he and my grandmother separated just before he died. Yet I remember him as being most definitely in charge, but he wasn't terribly happy, so his methods were more harsh (but not with me).
The point is, really, that when a man who is also powerful and in charge LOVES YOU, they tend to be much nicer to you than maybe you want them to be, but come on; they have a soft spot in their alpha male heart for you, and they WILL treat you nicely.
Now, does that mean they will tolerate a negative attitude? Absolutely not. Most alpha men I know expect a woman to behave like a lady, #1, and have a lot of energy and independence, #2. They also absolutely expect to be treated well, with a fair amount of deference and respect, so right away, your negative beliefs are pushing away any alpha males you might be running across, but since you haven't proved to me that you know how to identify one, I'm not surprised you haven't noticed that they're ignoring you.
I guarantee that if you irritate an alpha male with the kind of treatment your words imply, he will WALK AWAY very quickly, thinking less of you, and will not give you another second's thought. Alpha males make their decisions incredibly quickly; so quickly, you might not even notice you've been put on the "do not go there" list. They are very efficient, and quick to make up their minds about who does, and does not, deserve their spare time, of which they usually have very little.
So I would suggest that rather than dismiss all men you meet as unacceptable (based on what criteria you're applying, I'm not sure) and start thinking, ooh, maybe I'm behaving so coldly, with so many negative assumptions, that it's showing on my face and in my actions...
In other words, dial down the hubris knob, cause your ego's showing, and it's getting you nowhere with these men, who are most definitely out there, and enjoy taking women who appreciate them in hand. I know, because I have one, and he is DIVINE. I wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world, and every day is another chance to prove to him how much I appreciate him.
You start from there: appreciating him, and see where it gets you. Believe me, you learning how to stand down from your currently ridiculous position will help you and will go far toward getting you the man you think you want; although personally, I'm not sure you would know what to do with him if you found him, and he'd probably terrify you with his intensity.
#10 Alpha Male
I think it is a bit of a fantasy and confusion as well. It is not a strength to spank a woman. That is just the sexual side and is not necessarily indicative of a man's strength. The greatest strength a man can have in my opinion is to love his wife with his will and his emotions. If I can get there I shall be doing well.
#11 Trust and Understanding
I can only speak for myself, but a vital part of my Taken In Hand relationship is trust, followed closely by deep understanding. I'm sure it is possible to find someone and immediately trust and know them deeply, but for many people that takes time. I think that is why many Taken In Hand relationships start AFTER the relationship starts. Sometimes many years after.
Instead of looking for a dominant man who is ready to take you in hand right away, I might suggest concentrating on finding a good man. Someone who you admire in some ways. Someone who shares many of your values and goals. Someone you enjoy being with. Try not to deal in absolutes. No one is perfect and relationships are all shades of gray, lots of give-and-take and lots of compromise.
It takes time to get to know someone, but as you peel back the layers over time, his true nature will be revealed to you, as will yours to him. Once you've built trust and understanding it is easy to talk about your heart's desires.
Then see where it leads...
Good luck.