What practical steps can I take to take charge in our relationship?

I'm looking for advice.

When I discovered Taken In Hand last January, and started down the path of being a strong, honorable husband, the results were spectacular and for several months things were better than they've ever been in almost twenty years of marriage.

Then I got off track and things went immediately downhill. After a brief interlude, I tried to get the train back on the tracks, with frustrating results. It was not working.

I've been frustrated for some time, trying to figure out what was different between then and now, and I finally realized that while I thought I was back on track, I really wasn't!

Before, I was taking charge quite nicely and things were getting better!

But after getting back on track, I wasn't stepping my game up to the levels before we derailed, and it showed plainly: a rocky relationship with a husband not commanding respect. My fault completely.

So now, I realize what I must do, but I wouldn't mind some advice and suggestions on how to do it.

This is a case that calls for actions, not words. This is not a subject that can be broached at home, but I do think that with the proper guided push, our relationship will get back on track.

I realize there are two parts to the process: Courage and Action. I can screw my courage to the sticking point and find the strength to do it, and I can probably grope my way up the learning curve, but I'm always open to learning from others' experiences.

So, what techniques have you used to build your Taken In Hand dynamic?

Sign me,

Robin F. (with a penis)

Don't give up

Robin F.sez "When I discovered Taken In Hand... of being a strong, honorable husband, the results were spectacular and for several months things were better than they've ever been in almost twenty years of marriage."

Everyone expects a magic cure to their wants. There is none. Magic does not exist in the real world, although I will say that Taken In Hand is the closest match.

Robin F. sez "Then I got off track and things went immediately downhill. After a brief interlude, I tried to get the train back on the tracks, with frustrating results. It was not working."

Yeah, isn't it strange how theory and reality fail to mesh. Odd thing is, Taken In Hand is all about meshing theory and reality together into a strange mush that actually "works". Note my quote on the word "works"? Perhaps I should have quoted the word "mush" as well.

If you have yet to read this entire site, then read it well. I am the last person to give any advice due to my personal failures, but I see the bare elementals of logic, rationality, and emotional fulfilment here. What I have seen is that we as rational beings are emotional failures who base our lives on rationality. Emotion and rationality, when combined, mixes with confusion, which at its core violates the centrality of rationality. Yet, rationality continues to radiate from its core, considering the fact that emotion is at its core.

The key is locating the combination of emotion and rationality and mixing the two in the correct portions.

Ever hear of "falling in love on sight" or other such oddities? Yeah, it happens. Happened to me many years ago. Two entranced by love forget anything and everything rational and shove the works to the wind and with a powerful wish actually push it to work. That's what we did. We pushed it to work, and it did, for a short while.

It failed. Our relationship failed miserably. But, if I could have the time to relive it over again, I would do it exactly as it passed, minus the failure, of course. I still long for her.

You want a chance at her. Go for it. You have nothing to lose. If you win, you have a lifetime of bliss. If you fail, you still have a lifetime of wondrous memories. It's win-win. You can't lose.

Mick McCleod


Maybe its time to get physical

Robin wrote, "This is a case that calls for actions, not words"

You don't mention it in your post, but maybe its time to assert yourself by putting your wife over your knee and give her a spanking. While this is not true for all women, there are many women who need more than talk. When it comes to talk, less is more. Of course, it is good to communicate, but if you keep jaw boning, she is going to tune you out. Could it be that your wife is waitng for you to back up your words with force? What many women desire is a physical consequence that is consistently and thoroughly applied. One thing you could do is set boundaries for her. At first keep it limited to a few things that you care about. And here is the key, once you tell her that any disobedience of x,y and z will result in a spanking, you must follow through. There is nothing worse than an empty promise. Of course I could be dead wrong about what she wants, but what do you have to lose?

What is the problem?

What is the problem? Why or how have you been unworthy of your wife's respect? What is stopping you changing in that respect?

Does your wife want a Taken In Hand relationship or not?

Does your wife respond well when you do wear the trousers?

What is stopping you wearing the trousers now?

Are there times when you think it would be wise to impose your will on your wife but you fail to try? Or is it that you do try, but your wife ignores your attempt?

Why is this something you can't talk about at home?

As a start, pick one issue that you think you should be taking control of, and do so. Without specifics it is difficult to advise because I don't know if the issue is your own inaction or your wife ignoring what you say. But either way, it is your responsibility to effect the change you want.

Common mistakes men make in taking control are failing to act, hesitancy, seeking approval from the woman, and inconsistency.

Decide what you want, make a plan with specifics, put that plan into action, check the results against what you expected, make changes to the plan if necessary, and proceed.

To enhance your power with your wife, remain calm, never get angry or react emotionally, be your wife's rock of support, use your power wisely and kindly, but do use your power. Experiment to find what works for you and your wife. Keep your sense of fun. Avoid all-or-nothing thinking. Your control will grow over time if you keep moving forward. Don't waste time on what's gone wrong in the past. Focus on the present, and plan for the near future.

When you're starting, find ways to take control that do not require your wife to submit or obey. Do this to give her experience of your control without asking anything of her. When you have become the head of the household, it will be much easier to get your wife to obey, but if the control you try puts the burden on your wife, and this is not her idea, it's not going to happen. What's in it for her? Think how to make your taking charge good for her. Put her first, while staying in charge.