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What exactly should a husband do?

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help my husband take me in hand? I think part of his problem is he just doesn't know what do! What exactly does/should the husband DO in terms of taking charge and being actively in control? How long does it take a husband to learn to be actively in control in his marriage?

‹ Hint that you want a Taken In Hand relationship? Learning to be the head of the household when I'm not home ›
A readers' forum post by goodwifenj on Fri, 16/12/2011 - 14:21

#1 Response to goodwifenj's question on what a husband should do

Dear Goodwifenj:

I'm going to assume that you and your husband have already discussed at length your desire to be taken in hand and that he has agreed that he would like to try this way of relating to you in your marriage.

There are several things he can do to get started if he's not used to exercising active control over you. For one thing, he can study the advice from other husbands who've posted on this website. One excellent one that comes to mind is Husbands getting started at taking charge posted by Socrates. He offers wonderful advice on concrete steps a man can take to get started in exercising active control over his wife. I highly recommend this post.

Another thing your husband can try is picturing what things he'd like you to do that you don't currently do, or things you currently do that he'd like you to stop doing. These could run the gamut from wanting you to start doing household chores a certain way or within a certain time frame to wanting you to stop using a certain tone of voice with him, with the kids, etc. The possibilities here are endless.

Maybe he's a rather laid back individual and has never really even considered how he might like things to be different if the possibility ever opened up. Well, with you wanting to be taken in hand-- ta-da!!! The possibility is here and can become a reality! Maybe you could encourage him to spend some time, maybe even a period of days or weeks, turning things over in his mind and deciding what he wants from you that he's not currently getting. And then, gently, respectfully help him to see that once he knows what it is he wants from you, you'll be eagerly waiting him to lovingly, firmly tell you what he wants.

If he's apprehensive about an approach that may seem very foreign to him, do your best to set his mind at ease. Let him know how much you need this and how you think his control can benefit both of you. Let him know it's okay if it takes awhile for him to get it right and that you yourself may feel a bit awkward about it too, but that you'll have fun learning together.

As with anything, getting started is always the hardest. But, if this is something your husband really wants to do, I have a feeling that in time, he'll come to enjoy wielding his masculine control over you in areas he never even knew he had a preference in!

I hope these ideas help. I wish you and your husband the very best as you begin this journey together!

Brenda

Submitted by Brenda on Tue, 20/12/2011 - 23:49.

#2 What a Husband should do

Speaking only from my own point of view and experience, I think the very first thing that should be done is an open and honest discussion about what BOTH of you envision your "taken in hand" relationship and marriage to be like. If the two of you have much different views about what exactly that means, it will lead to disappointment and conflict. Both partners have to be headed in the same direction. I feel that this includes a reasonable and honest assessment of what strengths and weaknesses both of you bring to your relationship. As an example of what I mean by this is, if he is a construction Foreman while you are a trained accountant, it would be kind of silly and counterproductive to say simply that because he is the Man, he should make all the financial decisions. Both of you, as a couple, will prosper more and enjoy greater relationship and personal success when your strengths are brought to fruition.

Once the perception of what a "Taken in Hand" relationship is has been made clear and mutually agreeable between the two of you, the next step (again, from my own point of view) would be to establish, clearly articulated and well defined expectations and boundaries. No ambiguity but specificity. You are expected to do X, while he is obligated to perform Y. That is the stability that helps to create the comfort necessary for a healthy, dynamic and rewarding relationship.

Open, intimate and honest communication, mutually rewarding goals and aspirations and clearly defined expectations are, I believe at the core of a strong, fulfilling and loving relationship.

Submitted by Thesaint on Sun, 25/12/2011 - 17:20.

#3 Good question

What a husband should do isn't something that can be nailed down specifically. It's something that stems from a pure and instinctive desire to want good things for his family. Flowing from that, there are standards that must be met. Standards in terms of a tidy home, the quality of food the family eats, the type of language the family uses, and so on. And only after genuinely wanting those good things (as demonstrated in how he acts) can he expect and push for them from the people he loves. That's how he takes charge.

If instead of being vague I said, "Here's what you do. Do x, y, and z and then you're in charge." Well, it's a paradox. At that point, I'm in charge and he's simply following orders.

Submitted by Variable on Tue, 27/12/2011 - 02:32.

#4 It has been a solid year for my husband and I

Hello, I wanted to reply as I have been taken in hand with my husband for a year now. I imagine the time frame varies for every couple, but it has taken a full year for us to feel like we have a good rhythm going and we have both been able to settle into our respective roles.

What I have found was the most important was the sharing articles & communicating over this first year. We have talked regularly to be sure this is what works, what I or he wants and if we need to clarify, we do that before any confusion has happened.

It began after I found this site, recognizing in it something that appealed to myself, learning more about it and then sharing articles with my husband as time passed.

Initially he was reluctant, but with much reading, understanding and discussing we are doing it and have made this much needed change our own.

This site has been a great help to both of us. So be patient, keep on reading, forward him articles you particularly like or think he will and then bring them up and discuss them.

Best!

Cat

Submitted by up4more on Tue, 03/01/2012 - 23:15.

#5 Response from Brenda

I think this is excellent advice. 99.9% of the time I'm a lurker, but decided to unlurk in order to comment on your response. I find this website in general to be a source of fresh air and sane and erotic and well, it just makes a lot of sense to me. But your response was very concise and easy to follow. I hope one day to be in a committed relationship (takeninhand, of course) and I know this is one of many articles that I will refer back to as needed.

Thanks,

J

Submitted by Chame1eon1ike on Sun, 08/01/2012 - 23:56.

#6 You Might Try This

I introduced Taken In Hand into my marriage with a gradual approach. (Male, married 25 years to a fiesty woman. Usual pattern of unresolved arguments due to lack of taking charge on my part.) I reasoned that if Taken In Hand was authentic then it should just work. It shouldn't need discussion, planning etc.

I am thinking that the same approach might work for you and your husband.

I began by having my wife lay across my lap on the bed in the evening while I discussed the following day's plans with her. (She is a stay-at-home mom.) She objected mildly on occasion to being in this position but I was surprised by how easily she took to it.

But more important was the effect it had on me. I became more dominant in many ways. And it didn't take long for that dominance to express as spanking, which is now rather natural. At this point I don't need to think about how to take charge or take her in hand. There have never been written rules. My wife has never read a thing about Taken In Hand. There is simply a man and woman working out a way of living life.

Submitted by JWP on Mon, 09/01/2012 - 22:21.

#7 Thank you for your words of encouragement!

I want to thank everyone for giving me the wonderful words of encouragement. I am pleased to say my husband and I are definitely moving in the right direction. My husband has told me what his expectations are (he was hesitant to use "rules"), and what will happen if I continue to disappoint him.

He has asked me to make sure the kitchen is picked up before I leave for work in the morning. Yesterday, I left dirty dishes in the sink. Well last night, he told me why he was unhappy and then proceeded to spank me with his belt. Once my tears subsided, he hugged me closely and then we had the most amazing time!

Again, thanks to all for telling me to hang in there. It may be a few more days before I can wipe this smile off my face!!

Submitted by goodwifenj on Wed, 18/01/2012 - 14:50.

#8 reply to JWP

"I began by having my wife lay across my lap on the bed in the evening while I discussed the following day's plans with her. (She is a stay-at-home mom.) She objected mildly on occasion to being in this position but I was surprised by how easily she took to it."

I love that!! What a great idea. It does seem like lying across her husband's lap while discussing things would make a woman feel very secure and loved while at the same time inducing a feeling of vulnerability--not a bad kind, where you feel you're really in danger of being harmed, but that delicious kind, where you get that definite feeling that you're under his control.

Very erotic, and, apparently in your case, has been a successful route to establishing a taken in hand dynamic in your marriage. I hope other men wanting to introduce this in their marriages will see your post. I'm so glad you shared that with us.

Brenda

Submitted by Brenda on Fri, 20/01/2012 - 14:09.

#9 reply to goodwifenj

I'm so glad to hear how things are progressing for you and your husband! Keep being patient with each other as you continue learning together and, most of all, enjoy!

Brenda

Submitted by Brenda on Fri, 20/01/2012 - 14:13.

#10 I agree. Having the wife

I agree. Having the wife over one's lap while talking about the day (or anything else, for that matter) is a wonderful way to get into a taken in hand state of mind. And Brenda describes why very well.

Submitted by artlover on Sat, 04/02/2012 - 23:05.

#11 Here's how it's going to be

There's a tone of voice and a sentence that works very well in my brain, and the sentence is no-nonsense: "here's how this is going to work," or "this is what is going to happen." Being told precisely what to expect is very reassuring and shuts down virtually all disagreement in my mind.

I think the goal is to feel like you are in good hands, that you are with someone who is not only sure of what they're doing, but who also knows what to do. Not that he is going to do it "your way," but that you feel reassured that the decision he's making is for the good of the relationship, rather than for his own sake.

And that's where the tone of voice comes from, too; you can tell a mature tone of voice in a man who is comfortable directing you, compared to a man who doubts that he has the right to direct you.

Nervousness in a man puts me off, but when you reach the 'sweet spot' of the marriage or long-term relationship where he feels completely within his rights to take charge of you, because he's sure in himself of his maturity and rights to you, then I think you've found the way into a Taken In Hand relationship. Although I would imagine some cue comes from the woman's receptiveness, in fact, I place most of the responsibility with the man's ability to feel comfortable taking charge in the first place.

Submitted by pericles on Sun, 05/02/2012 - 22:50.

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