Taking more active control?
I think I really get it. After stumbling upon the Taken In Hand website a few days ago I have been trawling around the many and varied topics and somehow the ethos of the site has really got to me. I was particularly taken with the following description of the site from the email informing me that my account had been activated “……..it is a site for married couples in which the husband is in charge to the delight of both him and his wife, and the husband ACTIVELY controls his wife, who is unlikely to be the submissive type…….”. That just about describes me and my wife, except that I know I need to work hard on the “actively” bit. So the capitalisation of that word hit me immediately and made me think that you guys are definitely on to something.
After many failed relationships and one failed marriage, I have finally found the woman of my dreams. She is strong and intelligent, yet needs to be dominated, and has willingly accepted any demands that I have made on her. In my younger days I had longed to control whatever woman I was with, secretly yearning to give her a thorough spanking, but never having the courage to even broach the topic.
So what changed to set me on the right path? Well first I got religion (which is another story) and then I found a religious wife who believes it is her duty to be obedient to her husband. And boy has that worked! Previously I had met women by chance in bars, dances or other social events, usually under the influence of alcohol and always going straight to the sex part. Sometimes a relationship would follow, once ending in marriage because “she” wanted it. What a loser I was. Now I realise that the most important part of a relationship is commitment, and that the relationship should start with the marriage contract. That’s right – in the cold light of day, two consenting adults signing up to a set of vows and rules before they start to even think about love or sex.
Maybe I just got lucky, in finding my wife, but I think not as the risks of failure are mitigated by the fact that both of us believe that the rules governing the relationship between husband and wife have been set by God and that there are serious consequences for those who break them. For example, I am head of the household and must provide my wife with shelter, food, clothing, and all the other necessities and luxuries of life from my own means, whereas any income she earns belongs solely to her to do with as she wants. So my wife feels secure in the knowledge that it is my duty to take care of her. Also I have the right to “take” my wife whenever, however or wherever I want (as long as this is in private) and my wife cannot refuse (except during menstruation or for 40 days after giving birth). So I know that as long as I fulfil my duties as a husband, I have the absolute right to insist that she makes herself available to me on demand. Actually I have never gone so far as to haul her from the kitchen to the bedroom while she is making the lunch, but should I ever decide to do so she would obey.
My wife’s main responsibility is to look after me, our family and the home, and she must obtain my permission if she wants to go outside the home on her own. As it happens, because my wife is sensible and trustworthy, I give her blanket permission to go about her daily business such as going to the supermarket, visiting family, or taking the kids to school. However, I once stopped her driving for several months following a car accident that was her fault, and only let her drive again after she convinced me that she had learned her lesson and was not likely to repeat that mistake.
Over the years I have gradually introduced some control elements into our sex life. To be honest, at first I was scared to suggest anything that she might find weird or offensive, but I shouldn’t have worried. To my astonishment and delight, she has willingly and enthusiastically accepted each and every new idea or practice I have introduced.
So everything is fine, but something seems to be holding me back from what I see as a higher level of control for me and happiness for us both, and this has been bugging me for some time. I am the one who initiates all the new control practices in the relationship, and that’s how I like it. To be honest, we never explicitly discuss such topics and my wife would be totally uninterested in a website such as Taken In Hand. What normally happens is that I get some idea, work out how to implement it and then introduce it to my wife. Mostly I tell her beforehand to test the water and because I enjoy the thought of her anticipating what might be in store for her. As I mentioned, she has never refused. Although sometimes she resists for a while, there is added pleasure for us both when I overcome this resistance and make her do what I want. But here’s the problem. Given all the above, I still find it difficult to initiate new practices.
For example, a few years ago I decided that I wanted to practice some bondage routines and went to the hardware store to buy all the gear I needed. However, when it came to it I chickened out; worried that she might be upset by this equipment, and ended up throwing it in the garbage. That was bad enough, but I have repeated the same scenario three times. Apart from the waste of money, this seemingly illogical and wimpy behaviour is getting to really annoy me. However, inspired by Taken In Hand, I’ve decided to have another go, and this time I plan to stick to one of my mottos, which is that once I have decided to do something, I should (must) do it.
And there’s another problem I need to deal with, which is my general tendency to laziness, which is not so good for “active” control. So, now that I’ve bought into this concept I’ve started to wonder whether I am exerting sufficient control over my wife. Although I’m not into micro-management, I have probably gone a bit too far the other way, leaving her too much freedom. Not that she has committed, or is likely to commit, any serious misconduct, it’s just that I believe it would be good for both of us if I reined in her activities somewhat. This might mean limiting her trips outside the home such that I have to approve and monitor each and every external activity for a period of time – say one month. Or it could involve the necessity for me to approve all purchases in advance. Such restrictions would send her a clear message to reinforce the fact that I am the boss, would act as a warning to her not to overstep the mark, and perhaps most importantly would remind her that I really care, which I believe would act as a real turn-on for her.
And finally it has occurred to me while writing this article, that I should set myself a small challenge to test the degree of control I have over her by taking something she really dislikes and making her love it. This something could be performing an activity she loathes to do, eating food that disgusts her, or putting on clothing she hates to wear. I imagine the process of changing her behaviour might go through the stages of resistance, reluctant acceptance, willing acceptance, liking, wanting, and needing until finally the formerly detested thing becomes something she loves so much that she would beg my permission for, should I ever withhold it from her as a punishment.
Good idea?
Any suggestions or advice would be welcome.
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#1 Active control that is authentic vs BDSM "control practices"
If this works for you and your wife, that is wonderful. Go for it! But I can't help wondering whether, perhaps, if this kind of thing is not working for you, the reason might be that these ideas are not about being more actively in control but more about playing more BDSM games. It is not that I have anything against BDSM games, it is just that they might not satisfy you if what you really want is a full Taken In Hand relationship. Control in the Taken In Hand sense is not about "control practices", it is about being in charge in the relationship. The psychology of the two approaches is not the same.
Being actively in control doesn't mean playing the part of a swaggering "Dom" type, making her do things she hates for the sake of 'control', implementing more "control practices" and the like, it is more about being fully present in the relationship, being in charge, and exerting more obvious control only when the issue actually matters to you. Taken In Hand is more about the psychology and less about "practices". A husband can be totally in control – and yes, actively in control – without any obvious "control practices". And conversely, at least from a Taken In Hand perspective, a 'Dom' can be ostensibly engaging in vast numbers of "control practices" without actually being in control in the Taken In Hand sense.
This is not to say that some of those bedroom games can't be fun and a part of a Taken In Hand relationship – of course they can! There is nothing wrong with playing sexy games with the stuff from the hardware store. Just understand that if it feels as though something is missing despite many "control practices", what is probably missing may paradoxically be control – the deep, psychological, underlying, authentic control a Taken In Hand husband has over his wife.
Taken In Hand requires engaging creatively and authentically with one another, as the individuals you are, not acting out fixed roles like the "Dom" or the "sub". If, for example, your wife has got into acting the part of the submissive/slave, that might feel unsatisfying to you because you are relating to an act rather than the authentic individual she is.
Taken In Hand is much more organic than the acting parts and adding "control practices" approach. Control in a Taken In Hand relationship is not an end in itself, it is about creating and nurturing a vibrant and delightful relationship in which each person evolves and grows as an individual too. Control is used in the relationship to solve problems. And what I mean by "solution" is a genuine solution that both spouses would (if it were all explicit, which it often isn't) wholeheartedly agree is a brilliant solution. (This only works in cases where both spouses have Taken In Hand inclinations, of course! Taken In Hand is thoroughly consensual despite the overt form.)
While many love BDSM "control practices", some find that no matter how many "control practices" are introduced, it is never enough. They have a need that is going unmet. They feel desperate for more control. Some such couples, when they find Taken In Hand and start dropping "control practices" and move in a Taken In Hand direction, are surprised to discover that despite the lack of overt "control practices" in their Taken In Hand relationship, they feel the reality of the control much more than before. When the need is met – when the control arises out of the unique individuals you are and out of your unique and evolving relationship together – you finally feel at peace. Finally, it's enough, even if there is very little control that a fly on the wall observer would recognise as control.
Does that make sense?
#2 More control?
Crikey, how much more control do you want? As it is, you seem to control everything except her breathing, and for all I know you control that as well.
I think the idea of making her do things she hates just to 'prove' how much control you have is horrible, quite frankly. It would really make me fed up if my husband did this. Why do you want to make her do things that are hateful to her? I think that is a really nasty idea. Since you claim to be religious, might I remind you that the Bible says that a husband should love his wife 'as his own body'. Do you think it is loving your wife as your own body to make her eat food that disgusts her, or wear clothes that she hates?
As for you being able to take her whenever you want - what the Bible actually has to say on that subject is that neither husband nor wife has the right to refuse the other, it isn't all a one-sided thing.
Louise
#3 Control for the sake of control
Exercising control just for the sake of control and 'testing' her is not what this is about. Your objective, your aim, your very purpose in life should be mutual happiness and fulfillment in your relationship. While her ideas and feelings are not the deciding factor in what you do and decide and require from her, they should be taken into consideration.
You should only require her to conform to things she doesn't want when you have determined that is the better course for you both. Exercising control to feed your own ego will ultimately result in resentment, fear and the breakdown of the relationship. Be sure that her agreeing to things is genuine submission, not based on fear or duty, but submission with a willing heart.
#4 Also...
Good point, also the Bible teaches that the way that God rules over the church is an example of the way that a husband should rule over his wife. Ask yourself if you see God treating his people like you talk about treating your wife.
#5 Control As A Chore?
Why do you find it necessary to "invent" new ways of control? I don't know, I may be misinterpreting what you say, but it seems as though you are contemplating the imposition of meaningless tasks upon yourself and your wife, and for what purpose?
From what I see of your dissertation, you both have mutually established your control of the relationship. Now, what you need to do, both of you, is to enjoy it for what it is. And, In My Not So Humble Opinion, this EXCLUDES the **pointless** manufacture of "proofs of control".
You seem to indicate that you are a bit insecure in your new-found "dream position", which appears to me to be the reason for the imposition of the meaningless chores upon yourself and your wife.
Eliminate the meaningless and enjoy what you do have. The both of you have enough chores with which to contend without the imposition of additional worthless ones.
Mick McCleod
#6 Include your wife
You seem to be thinking a lot about this by yourself.....please include your wife more....you guys are doing this together, you are on this journey together. If marriage is half your faith, taken in hand should be something you do together.
#7 Thanks for the advice
Thanks guys. This is the kind of advice I have been looking for.
Not being a very subtle person, I tend to go for the obvious, so maybe I need to focus more on the core of the relationship rather than on the bedroom practices, which ultimately is going to be a more satisfying approach.
#8 It makes very good sense
I was re-reading your comments:
"Just understand that if it feels as though something is missing despite many "control practices", what is probably missing may paradoxically be control – the deep, psychological, underlying, authentic control a Taken In Hand husband has over his wife."
and
"If, for example, your wife has got into acting the part of the submissive/slave, that might feel unsatisfying to you because you are relating to an act rather than the authentic individual she is."
That really resonates with me. You are dead right. I want real, not role-play. Although the bedroom games are very important to both of us, they must flow naturally from the core of our relationship.
During the past month I have been re-thinking my approach and what I now realise is that the solution to my problem is solely within my hands. In the past, my wife and I have not talked much relationship stuff, both tending to get on with the business of life. But I decided to change that by talking things over with her in a frank and open way. The results have been amazing.
It was really fruitful to talk about these matters. I am delighted to hear from her own mouth that she is a fully committed Taken-In-Hand wife who totally accepts me being in control. The problem is that I have been lazy and inattentive to my duties as a husband. During our discussions it emerged that she has been frustrated at my general lack of leadership, is pleased by the fact that I have now begun to be more assertive, and is excited the prospect of being more taken in hand. Along the way we have re-discovered the core of our relationship and re-affirmed our mutual love and commitment.
One of the practical results of our talks is that we have agreed some changes in our family routine that will give us more time at the end of the day for chatting and bedroom stuff. Talking of which, we are also talking openly about each others sexual wants and needs. For example, I have just told her about my desire to tie her up for our mutual pleasure and explained that I have bought some special gear (the stuff from the hardware store) explicitly for that purpose. Typically she was completely unfazed by this and confirmed that she is happy to do anything I want if it pleases me. This is only the first stage though, because the bondage thing will only be interesting to me if she genuinely wants it for her own pleasure too, and is not just going along with it to please me. The next step will me to show her the gear, explain how it's used and walk through some scenarios. Then we'll try it out. I believe it will work out, that she'll like it and that she'll be wanting more. By the way, we already went through something similar with spanking, which is now one of our routine bedroom practices.
Returning to the point about authenticity (as in "authentic individual" and "authentic control"), we both want and need me to exert authentic and active control in our marriage and have committed to improving and strengthening that control as time goes on.
I will keep you posted, God willing.