Skip to main content

Question for the Taken In Hand wives

I am wondering what you do in the situatuion where you feel jealous about something your husband is doing, etc. For example, today my fiance was out at the movies(were long distance right now), and I did not know if he went with friends or not. I immediately felt jealous thinking that he is out with friends at the movies (not that there is anything wrong with that), but I did not act upon it. The feelings were still there, though. So I am just wondering what you all do, and think, how you deal with situations that arise where you feel jealous about some situaiton with your husbands.

‹ Then I found you... Sometimes a good beating does both of you good ›
A readers' forum post by JennyBoo. on Sun, 25/09/2011 - 06:19

#1 Jealousy

Well, I don't usually get jealous, as my husband and I have been together a long time,and we both have our own interests. He doesn't go out much with friends, but he is away a lot with his work, and he goes out sometimes with people from work for drinks, meals etc, while he is away. He doesn't do anything else as far as I know.

Probably the best thing to do would be to go out more with your own friends, so you don't spend so much time worrying about what he is doing.

But if you are worried that he might be out with another girl, rather than with friends, there isn't much you can do about that. If he is really keen on you then your relationship will survive the seperation. Probably trying to get together some time soon would help.

Louise

Submitted by Louise C on Sun, 25/09/2011 - 18:09.

#2 Jealous of what?

Are you jealous that he got to have some fun (or that he is even able to have some fun) when you are not there with him, or is it that you are jealous of the people he may have been with that got to enjoy his company instead of you enjoying it?

Submitted by HerMan on Thu, 29/09/2011 - 03:47.

#3 Thank you, Louise and Herman

Thank you, Louise and Herman for answering. I am the very jealous type. I just naturally get jealous if he has any friends or talks to anyone else but me. Well, that was the old me. The new me is the one who has avoided showing jealousy for a long time. But I just want to know how taken in hand wives are able to deal with jealousy issues. If you are naturally jealous, how do you curb that?

Submitted by JennyBoo. on Tue, 04/10/2011 - 07:09.

#4 Emotional security

I think it is OK to jealously guard the parts of your relationship that rightfully belong to you alone. If you are finding yourself feeling jealous over more than that, perhaps there is some insecurity you need to confront and address.

I also would not recommend putting on a false happy face. If you feel jealous about something, talk it over calmly with your man (perhaps after a couple days if you need that time to get calm), give him the chance to give you the reassurance you need or to adjust your perspective. The greater your emotional security in the relationship, the less likely you will be to feel jealous over little things. Make sure he knows what you need to feel secure, and that you know what he needs from you so he can have that too.

Submitted by HerMan on Tue, 11/10/2011 - 14:49.

#5 Long distance is difficult

Long distance is not easy. And you are not yet married. It may well be that when you are married and living together, you will start to feel more secure, less jealous. It is so much easier when you are married and have a history together!

In the meantime, I think the previous commenter was right: putting on a happy face is not quite the answer. It is also not a good idea to spew the emotionality, fear or anger of jealousy on your fiance. So, as HerMan said, perhaps what would be best would be to wait until you can talk about it without being accusatory, and simply tell the man you love, and who loves you and cares about your feelings, that you know it's silly, but you felt a bit jealous about x, fearing y. Unless you have a bad history of expressing jealousy with your man, mentioning that you felt jealous, with a sheepish smile, should avoid making your man feel attacked, and he will no doubt give you a hug and reassure you. He loves you and cares about your feelings.

On the other hand, if he reacts badly to such a mild statement, it does not follow that he doesn't love you and care about your feelings. It might be that you have a history of spewing jealousy on him, which hurts and makes him feel accused and attacked. If you do have a history of dumping jealousy on him, you might have to keep your jealous feelings to yourself until he is no longer in a state of hypersensitivity to any hint of jealousness on your part. This can in some cases take years rather than months, but on the bright side, seeing again and again that nothing bad happens when you don't mention your jealous feelings, may soothe you and such that you feel less and less jealousy as time goes on.

When are you getting married and when will you begin living together? I do think that will help tremendously. There is a huge difference between being married with a history together and then doing the long distance thing, versus being in a long distance relationship and not being married yet. The former is much easier than the latter. If you are always going to be long distance, it will be important for the two of you together to solve this problem of your jealous feelings, to find a way for you to be soothed or soothe yourself. Perhaps your man might be happy to volunteer more information about what he's doing, or something? But again, if you have a history of quizzing him about his movements etc, he might not be happy to do that. But there will be something the two of you can come up with that will help you without hurting him.

Submitted by Sarah on Tue, 11/10/2011 - 23:39.

#6 Thanx all.

Thanx all, I deff. agree with what you all are saying. It seems communication is an important thing, and that seems to be something i lack. I just dont know how ot communicate. I feel all the fears inside, and it leaves me emotionally in a bad state, but nowadays i don't want to take it out on him, and that is the real reason why i keep it inside and put on a happy face, because the reason why we are apart now is because we used to live togehter, but he left me due to the fact that I was too jealous and my jealousy also lead to violence. I used to yell at him and hit him and break things in the house all the time. Over nothing really. Just my own insecurtiys. So now we took this time to be apart and let him heal and let me have time to change my ways. Now I don't yell at him over the phone, I don't question his whereabouts or anything that will scare him into thinking I have not changed. Yes, I still feel fears, insecuritys and jealousy, but I dont let my past behavior get in the way. I realize I cannot be that way anymore. I just want to be a good fiance to him, a good woman. maybe I should sart communicating more. Maybe that would make the big difference. It just feels a little embarrassing to talk about my feelings to him. I don't like to feel vulnerable with anyone. but ta tehhs ame time my past patterns were as sson as I felt fears I used my fists. That is a no-no. I should learn to use words. I want nothing more than to make him happy and make him feel loved and safe again. I want him to trust me, that I will neevr be aggressive aain.

Submitted by JennyBoo. on Wed, 12/10/2011 - 06:46.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.