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Need input please

I found this site a while ago, and told my husband about it pretty within two days. We then discussed this for weeks, trying out different things, situations, and applied it different areas of our lives.

My husband and I have been together for 9 years now. Over the last few years, I have been the decision maker in the family. He was laid off in 2008 and basically, he was lost. I helped him, took over our finances (which I love, and I am better at), I am the one wearing the pants in our relationship. It seemed that for a long time, everything was about him, and how I could help him. He is passive, a very passive person, he avoids conflict, opens doors for women, will pay for everyone, and right now, he is getting involved in helping a friend, by hiring him to do some remodeling for us that we really cannot afford just yet. This makes me really mad. I don’t understand why he is putting other people first like that. But at the same time, I have been trying to take a step away from “the pants”. I have been trying to follow his guide, because I am very much interesting in him being the head of household. Our household.

I like the idea of him being the decision maker again. Before he was laid off, he felt surer of himself, although he has always been the passive kind of man.

Once we started talking about Taken In Hand, he was very interested. He liked the ideas of taking charge, and he told me he really liked it, but lately, he has been so busy with work, getting a new, better job, and this friend of his, that being in charge has apparently left his mind.

I feel almost abandoned with my feelings. I have even told him, that it doesn’t matter if I do something or not, he won’t do anything about it anyway. He only replied, “oh that’s what you think…” but really, nothing happened.

Any ideas? I am not sure I expressed myself right, I am not the best writer in the world, but any insight would be great.

I think he really likes the idea of this type of relationship, but it seems, as soon as he gets a little busier, that the relationship has to take a step, or five back.

‹ Learning to be the head of the household when I'm not home The importance of a flexible husband ›
A readers' forum post by juylma on Tue, 31/01/2012 - 02:15

#1 Are you trying to make a sow's ear out of a silk purse?

I know of only one way to manage people, or dogs: look deep inside and find out what the person or dog wants to be. I never yet remade a spouse, child, employee or dog. All I've ever done is remind myself, over and over, that this creature was born with his/her own destiny, a destiny I didn't choose for it. My only role is to help him/her be what he/she wants to be (recognizing that all beings, myself included, are more in the dark than in the light about what we want to be). No, I'm not a Buddhist or into any religion at all (although I do sometimes call this "Zen micromanagement"). I'm describing how I have gone through life mostly keeping my own counsel and always getting much more than I need. Maybe your husband is doing the same.

Submitted by retiarius on Tue, 31/01/2012 - 18:40.

#2 Admirable

I can understand feeling jealous. I get jealous of my husband's friends--male and female--very easily myself. But opening doors for women, paying for everyone, helping a friend, and being busy with work all seem like admirable acts to me. Maybe you could just tell him you want attention.

Um

Submitted by Um on Tue, 31/01/2012 - 21:59.

#3 Pushing for change.

I think the biggest mistake most women seem to make is that we want to see these changes happen literally overnight. I keep wondering, now that I'm getting older, what it is about women's psyches in general that makes us so impatient.

You mention that you are just now giving up being the one in charge, for example. This means that he hasn't been the one in charge, and learning a new skill takes time. Even flexing an old muscle that used to work requires practice. That means he is going to do it badly at times, according to your current values, because when a woman puts down this burden and tries to trust the man to do what she wants, both people are utterly clueless what that means.

You won't know what it is you really want until you don't get it. He is going to stumble around because all he knows is what he's used to, and the fact that he didn't immediately take charge of this relationship to begin with indicates that you sensed (and feared) the power vacuum of his unwillingness to immediately take charge.

Personally, in your story, I hear a woman who possibly comes from a difficult family background. This seems to be a common theme for women who want to be with a man they perceive as a strong leader. I think we desperately want to have someone we can lean on, but trusting someone is not easy, especially if they show the slightest sign of what we perceive as 'weakness.'

The key to this kind of relationship, in my opinion and experience, boils down to a few requisite elements. One is trust. You have to trust that the man can do this. Second are personal values; you each have to agree that you are living out values that are important to you. The third crucial element is patience. Without patience, you're going to get frustrated and feel like maybe you should take back those reins.

I would suggest that you slow down and stop any unnecessary judgementalism. What you've indicated is that you are married to a very nice man, and even though I do understand that right now you feel ignored and neglected, any man who opens doors for women is not passive. He sounds very kind and well-meaning, someone who is quite a do-gooder. The problem is, you want more of his attention, and that's a conversation you need to have with him, IMO, not us.

He sounds like a great guy, in many ways; I'm sad you don't value his ability to be so giving to others, but I do understand that you want more from him than he is currently giving you. That will change IF you express your needs to him clearly and without being mean about it, because right now, you sound a bit childish to me, whereas he sounds like he's not self-centered. Maybe you're equating a strong man someone who is more self-centered; I know I do not, but at the same time, I understand, as I've said, that you want him to be somewhat less giving to others.

Unfortunately, by asking for that change, you will probably strip him of some of the power he actually has, but that's a negotiation of values you two need to have. I think you two need to negotiate a better balance of energies, with him being slightly less giving, you being slightly more understanding and patient.

Submitted by pericles on Tue, 31/01/2012 - 23:10.

#4 wow, amazing feedback

I am really glad I found this and had the courage to write something too. I really would like to have somebody to talk to, but in real life, I am not sure who that would be.
Your replies all made me humbly look at my situation.
I know, its not really a situation. Especially because last night, he finally had time to talk to me, and he seemed a bit disappointing too that I was not believing in him. I am actually amazed that he even noticed I felt this way, and today I feel very different that I did yesterday about this.

Although I am and was jealous of this friend, and honestly, childish has never been a word anybody described me with, so I am not too worried about it.
But thank you all.
I am going to be more trusting. This really is hard for me. I come from a family of four females, no males, no dad around, and trusting my husband this much, this deeply, doesn't come naturally. Which of course, is normal.

So, what I have taken from my experience so far, is that it takes:
1. Communication
2. Trust
3. Patience

Submitted by juylma on Tue, 31/01/2012 - 23:44.

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