Learning to be the head of the household when I'm not home
I am a husband who was introduced to Taken In Hand by my spouse. I am away, and I will be for a short while longer. In total it will be a year. I have read a lot about how to take control and I must say that what I am reading sounds exactly how I want my marraige to be, and how I want my home to run.
I have tried many things thus far, and have had some success. I have established goals for my home. However there are a few things that concern me, that I need some help with considering I am not home. I am a Christian man, so first and foremost, I want my home to be led by God, and I choose to walk in the lord's footsteps.
I am having difficulty getting my wife to obey me. I understand through reading most of the posts that I have read, that this will not happen overnight.
I am not against discipline, but I find it hard to get my wife to consent to the discipline ideas I have suggested. A few times, the disipline techniques worked, but not for long. My wife is very wilful. Do you have any suggestions for how to actively control my wife while I am away?
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#1 reply to learning to be head of household when I'm not home
It sounds like there may be a communication gap between you and your wife, due to the distance between you. Since you say she's the one who introduced the idea of Taken in Hand and yet is not obeying you and disagrees with the forms of discipline you've come up with, I'm wondering if you two have vastly different ideas of how Taken in Hand will be applied in your marriage.
Maybe when she first mentioned the idea of Taken in Hand she merely wanted to put the idea out there for the two of you to consider and explore together before actually deciding to implement it in your marriage.
Or, perhaps what she really wants is a Taken In Hand relationship rather than one in which she would be expected to be submissive: Taken In Hand wives tend not to be submissive in their relationship---and their husbands like them the way they are, and relish keeping their spirited wives in line. She may want and need you to compel her obedience.
Another possibility is that she's needing you to control her in different ways than whatever forms you've come up with.
If you do feel certain that you've understood her desire to be Taken in Hand, you can try a more forceful approach through letter, e-mail, phone call, or however you keep in contact. For example, you could write her a clear, commanding letter letting her know how important and precious she is to you, but also letting her know (again, if you already have) of your expectations of her. You could use firm language that communicates your place of control. I'm thinking of phrases like, "I insist that you. . .," "I fully expect you to. . .," "Under no circumstances are you to. . .," "I will not tolerate . . .," etc.
Communication is central to any relationship, but especially in a Taken in Hand relationship. I think you should start there. Why not simply tell her about your concerns? Maybe you two could agree that when you get home this will be one of the first issues you will tend to once you get settled back in.
I think it's wonderful that a Christian couple wants to enrich their marriage through Taken in Hand. My husband and I are also believers. And yes, you have the right idea that as Christians, Christ will be the ultimate head of your home.
I just thought of something I should mention in case this is a hidden issue you're not even aware of. I'm the one in our marriage who stumbled across this site several months ago. I did a little reading and was smitten with what I discovered as it resonated with me on such a deep level! I knew I wanted this and a week or so later, after much prayer for courage, showed this website to my husband. He's such a loving, open-minded man that even though he was a bit surprised, he was not in any way offended or put off and has willingly jumped right in to Taken in Hand. Since he was already the head of our home, and a rather bossy one at that in the areas he cares about, the only thing that changed for us was the addition of physical discipline. (I know that discipline is not a feature of all Taken In Hand relationships but I personally find that experiencing the authority he's always had in a physical manner is, to me, very satisfying on a sexual, intellectual, and emotional level.)
However, after just a few days of introducing the Taken in Hand philosophy---and also physical discipline---to our marriage, even though I was the one who introduced it, I suddenly got cold feet and wanted to opt out. My husband was taken aback by this and it took me awhile to be able to explain to him that I'd come across some negative comments on other websites about Christians incorporating physical discipline in their marriages that had made me question whether this was wrong in God's eyes. In case you aren't aware, there are some websites out there that try to use scripture to support the idea that it is wrong for a Christian husband to discipline his wife. I should also mention that there are other websites that do just the opposite---use scripture to support the idea that husbands are mandated to discipline their wives. I believe both sides are wrong. Scripture is silent on the issue of husbands physically disciplining their wives. We are only given the commands that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and that wives are to respect their husbands. This leaves a vast amount of room for couples to decide how that love and respect will be carried out in their marriage, as long as they are honoring God first and each other second.
But, my point is, I panicked when I read the negative comments from other Christians about the physical aspect of Taken in Hand. I feared my desire for this might indicate I wasn't being led by God but was instead being led by man. By talking with my husband and by praying, I was able to overcome this hurdle in my thinking. But this just shows you how powerful the opinions of other people can be in how we view ourselves. I guess this is a long-winded and round about way of saying that I wonder if something similar happened with your wife. Maybe after she suggested the idea of Taken in Hand to you she talked with other Christian women or read comments from other Christians online that made her feel this is somehow perverted or wrong. If, after you and your wife have communicated about Taken in Hand more, you still feel that something isn't right, perhaps you could help her explore whether she's having some spiritual hangups that are standing in the way of her going forward with adopting this in your marriage.
I hope you've been able to follow my rambling thoughts and I hope they may be of some help. I have no doubt that if this is what you're both wanting, you will be able to work through these initial struggles and build a very satisfying marriage together. Best wishes!
Brenda
#2 Good points
Brenda, first let me say that I enjoy your posts and consider them well thought out. For me they are especially interesting, as I am not a religious person. (I am not an atheist or agnostic, just not religious).
So I cannot really advise ournewlife on how to establish his authority and introduce physical punishment in a Christian way, so to say, only from the point of view of a woman who is interested in Taken In Hand relationships.
Ournewlife says his wife is very willful. Well, so am I, but only because I want to be made to submit, preferably in a forceful way. She might just want to test boundaries to see how her husband reacts. She might want to see if her husband is man enough to discipline her, or simply if he has the guts to put her over his knee and afterwards stand by that decision. A lot of men don't.
Maybe, as Brenda says, his wife is just afraid of her own courage. That is also very understandable, especially if you are new to Taken In Hand.
I do understand there is always the religious aspect for him there, but maybe sometimes he just has to forget about that. Let's be honest, religion can come between a person and a good sex life. As a (slightly lapsed) catholic, I can tell you about guilt.
In my opinion, it may be better to leave scripture out of this for a little while. It would be nice if the OP could elaborate a bit more.
Jessica Rabbit