Is the desire to lead antithetical to a respect for others
A question for those of you out there in the internet ether.
I have been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years, but through a recent ‘argument’ with my s/o realize that I cannot seem to come to terms how he handles certain situations. The short story is whenever he is in a situation where he feels that someone is incompetent, or disrespectful, he ‘calls them out on it’. My stumbling block is the method with which he does (how and what he says), to me is just as disrespectful and basically I feel like he comes off as a jerk/rude, etc. This is not a new behavior, and I hoped that I would adjust to it but I seem to be having a harder time with it as time passes.
I do not expect him to be infallible or never make mistakes, but I do believe I should be able to look up to him because of how he handles situations respectfully, and that he sets the example, and does not react in kind to those who don’t. My s/o’s point when I brought this up is that his method of handling situations is the ‘only language those people will understand’.
My questions abound: Is this just me being a G.R.I.T. having culture shock of how people treat each other in the North? Can’t someone ‘be the better man’ and ‘take the high road’ in these situations and still be ‘take charge’ and ‘in control’? Isn’t there a way to respectfully stand up to someone without being a jerk about it? Does ‘dominant’ have to be synonymous with being a ‘dick’ to people? Can’t someone be a leader without stomping on others? Can someone be extremely smart and knowledgeable but also be wise? Can someone be both confident in their abilities and opinions, but still have some sense of humility? Are these concepts always mutually exclusive?
Maybe my ideas are archaic in today’s world because my initial frame of reference was my grandparents' relationship. But I do know men in today’s world I look up to and respect because of how they handle and interact with other people (aka. Artofmanliness.com descriptions). I suppose a somewhat poor analogy is a redwood others want to shelter under rather than a bulldozer who gets deference through fear. I do want someone who takes charge and leads, but am starting to feel that I was wrong, or maybe living in a dream-world to think that it could be from a place of respectfulness and wisdom. And that maybe the only ones who want to lead will always show a lack of respect for others they feel are lesser.
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#1 reply to Tamashii-chan
Oh, my gracious, my heart goes out to you if this is the way your man is! Based on how you wrote, I'm assuming you're from the U.S. and that he is from somewhere in the northern part of the country. I'm from the North too, born and bred, and I promise you the way he relates to people is not part of the culture here anymore than it is in any other part of the country or world, for that matter. But, I suppose it could be part of his "subculture" by which I mean his family, the circle of friends he grew up with or associates with now, the particular community he was raised in, etc.
Yes, I think you're absolutely right to expect that a person should show strength and leadership in a respectful manner. In fact, by what little I gathered about your man, it sounds like he displays aggression, which I see as coming from a position of personal weakness, rather than showing real leadership, which seems like strength harnessed for the good of others.
I'm kind of clumsy trying to convey my idea here. I don't mean to imply his seeming aggression means that he actually is weak--but maybe he's never been taught a better way to live. Have you noticed similar behavior in his immediate or extended family, his friends, work associates, etc.?
"Can someone be extremely smart and knowledgeable but also be wise? Can someone be both confident in their abilities and opinions, but still have some sense of humility?"
Is there anything else in his demeanor, speech, etc., that offers you a glimmer of hope that he may have the qualities above that you're looking for? I mean, after he's been kind of a jerk toward someone, has he ever, without prompting from you, looked sorry or expressed anything like, "I feel bad for yelling at that guy like that, but I don't see any other way to get through to him?" If he's ever shown any sign like that, it may indicate that he isn't really a jerk through and through, but just hasn't had kindness and politeness modeled for him and really doesn't know another way to relate.
I just caution you to go slowly with this guy. If he has some other stellar qualities that you feel make him worth your effort, you can, perhaps, open his mind to alternative ways of treating his fellow man. Introduce him to your family, friends, work associates. Let him spend a lot of time observing how people in your circle treat one another and others. When you're out with him and you're cut off by someone in a line or in conversation, or if you're given service by a clerk or waitress that has a little smack of impatience or rudeness, these are opportunities for you to model good humor and patience, and he can witness, first hand, how those qualities have the strength to alter the course of interpersonal interactions.
But, be honest with yourself. If you don't see any real sign that this guy does have some human empathy hidden beneath all that jerkiness, you're probably just wasting your time. It's not as though you can make a person change if he doesn't want to, and would you want to build a life with a man whose basic way of dealing with the world is so at odds with your values?
I don't mean to sour you on this guy. I just would hate for you to live with regret by staying with a guy who's all wrong for you. There are too many good guys out there. Yes, there really are. I meet them all over the place. It seems like the planet is literally crawling with them!
Don't be discouraged. Go for what you know you want, with this guy if he really has it, or with another guy. It will happen. Best wishes to you!
#2 Good leadership requires respect for others
Choosing a man, you should think about how he will be as a father because he might get you pregnant someday. You will want the father of your children to be gentle and respectful with those who make mistakes. And people listen better when spoken to politely anyway.
Um
#3 He won't change
Oh, Boy....first of all; Yes, a man can be dominant and "in charge" without being a 'dick' to people. How a man handles difficult situations tells a lot about who he is as a man. His character and integrity.
If you feel he is a disrespectful jerk when he's calling someone out, don't expect that to change. He is who he is. But that kind of behavior most certainly does NOT come with being a dominant leader. My fear for you is the slow eroding of your feelings for him because you can't look up to him and ultimately will lose respect for him.
My ex-husband had some very undesirable characteristics not unlike what you describe and I could never admire him and inside it turned me off. Not a good thing! I found myself finding that behavior immature and as the other poster said, consider the kind of father he'd be with that side to him. I found myself the target at times of that behavior and hated it. We'd talk about it and he always "understood" but nothing ever, ever changed.
Thread carefully and think this through. Take care.