I think I blew my request for DD

I hoped today I would be posting that I was new to DD, but it doesn't look like that will be happening. I have prepped myself for three weeks to suggest it to my husband, even though I have yearned for it for years (before I even knew it had a name or a following).

I informed him tearfully during our lunch time conversation a few days ago that I was tired of being in charge. I told him I was ready for him to take the lead and "fix" me, fix our family. He was elated. He has always been a physically strong and Godly man, wonderful temperment, very reasonable and fair with us and his employees. So, the rest of the evening, he talked late into the night about what we needed to do. I felt like I was in a business meeting.

I've done the research. I prepped the best way I know how. I was going to print some advice, articles, blog info out to supplement my request (how glad I am that I didn't now). Last night, I asked him to pick up a bottle of whiskey on the way home and told him I needed to talk to him. We don't drink much, but I knew I was going to need a drink for this one. We got the kids in bed early. I had really, REALLY planned on giving him a good time while I was talking about it, maybe to soften the blow? I sat him down on the bench at the end of our bed, knelt at his feet, and sort of got carried away with what I was doing and never said a word. Due to the brick walls and barriers we've built over the last 20 years, I very rarely show that much affection and I am never the aggressor anymore at all. I think he was pleasantly suprised.

Afterwards, we were in bed and he was really basking in the afterglow. My poor baby.... he deserves so much more than I give. It's terribly sad. I think my drink had pretty much worked its way out of my system, as I had lost my confidence and my nerve, but I knew it was now or never. So, I'm going to give you a breif synopsis of our conversation. I want to know where I went wrong.

Me: I told you I needed to spill my guts and you haven't asked what about.
Him: I've been waiting. Let me hear it.
Me: I know this is going to be a shock to your system, and I really don't know how to tell you.
Him: Tell me now.
Me: Its just that I'm scared. I want so badly to please you, and I don't want you to think less of me.
Him: You NEED to tell me NOW.

(At this point, I realize he's thinking I'm about to confess that I've been unfaithful. This has always been the only thing he really requires of me - faithfulness. So now I know I have to spit it out or he's going to lose his cool.)

Me: It's a lifestyle I want to try. I think it will help us. I just want a 30-day trial period. I have behaviors I want to fix. I want to be a better wife and mother. Let me tell you what I did today to B (our 9-year-old daughter).

Him: What did you do?

Me: Remeber the other day when she told us her teacher said they could bring homemade cupcakes? (This is a big deal at her school as they usually insist on store bought for sanitation reasons.) I told her that was nice. But then yesterday when she got in the car at the bus stop, she said "Mom! Guess what?! My teacher said I could bring the homemade cupcakes!!" And I yelled at her. I said "B! I don't want to have to make the cupcakes! We have to go to the nursing home Monday and hand out gifts!" You should have seen her face. She never said a word, but just turned and looked out the window. I could tell that it just broke her heart. (At this point, I break into tears which is unusual for me, but I'm just so heartbroken about treating my baby that way.)

Him: (I can hear extreme disappointment in his voice.) I'm sure it did.

Me: I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I need rules. I need boundaries. I need consequences. I need you to help me.

Him: What are you suggesting?

Me: There is a thing that people do. Actually, it's called Domestic Discipline. I even think X & Y practiced it at one point (some good Christian friends we had years ago when we lived elsewhere). X started to tell me about it one night, and I wasn't making fun but I was incredulous about it because it was THEM of all people, and she terminated the conversation and got "sidetracked". I think she wanted to confide but thought I wouldn't understand. It basically boils down to us setting rules for me, whether it be not disagreeing with what you tell the kids in front of them, not raising my voice to you or them, whatever we feel is necessary to invoke good changes for our family. And I submit to these rules, and I submit to you and your authority and if I don't, there are consequences.

Him: What are the consequences?

Me: Usually a blistered butt. (And at this point I start talking faster because I have so much information to put into his mind before he gets any preconceived ideas of what I'm talking about, and I'm just plain nervous to boot.)

Me: It's not a drag me by my hair to the bedroom and beat me kind of thing. It's supposed to be controlled, rational, and understood at all times why it's being done and I am to give myself up to it. I know in the past, I have asked you to spank me for erotic reasons, but this is different. It's supposed to be painful and memorable and in fact, a lot of people recommend no sex afterwards because it negates the punishment.

Him: When exactly do you suggest I blister your @$$ (ugghhh...not a good sign- he never cusses) when we have kids in the house?

Me: I don't know. (Actually, I had planned to bring up the loopy johnny because I knew he was going to ask this, but now I've chickened out because I don't want him to think I've been on porn sites all day.) I just would like to try it for 30 days. See if it fits us, if it can help me modify and correct some of my behaviors that need to change. I know it's a lot to put on you and I know you really don't need 6 kids to deal with instead of 5, but.......

There is this horribly long silence and then a deep breath from him, and he says "OK. First of all, let me tell you how this is going to work." And he proceeds to talk for an hour, asking for a yes or no here or there, but pretty much shutting me down completely. Most of his talking had to do with the kids and how he never wanted a big family but I did, now they're here and they have to be our first priority because they didn't ask to be brought into this world. He tells me that I can be a good wife and mother, he knows I love the kids, but he has watched life beat me up and I've rolled over and let it happen. He tells me that I have put it in his hands to lead, and that's exactly what he's going to do, and that he will do it firmly and without wavering. He tells me that I am a treasure to him, that he cherishes and loves me beyond measure, but the kids will always come first second only to God.

Then, the dreaded moment. I was hoping he wasn't even going to mention it, maybe he had forgotten I even said it. He says "I will tell you this C. I will never blister your butt unless we are playing games in the bedroom. What you've been reading and accepted as truth is a lie from the pit of hell and it will not happen in this house. I loved X and Y, but X had a spirit all over her. I want and expect you to be a strong, confident Christian woman, my helper and my partner. This is not what you need to get it together. What you need is to take all the time you spend looking up this nonsense on the internet (he hates the internet) and use it to read your Bible. God will help you to become the wife and mother you need and desire to be."

So, I went to be feeling ashamed, like an idiot. I lay there for the longest time last night wondering why I was infected by this need for him to dominate me in that way. Most women aren't. Why am I? I have always felt that need, even from a very young age. I'm pretty sure that's one of the main reasons my first marriage failed... I wanted my husband to be a man and take charge, and it just wasn't ever going to be in his nature. I knew from the moment I met my second husband that he was what I had dreamed of - full of authority, strong, masculine, a leader.

****sigh**** Sorry for such a horribly long post. I had to share with someone. I feel so alone and misunderstood. He had to fly out this morning for work and won't be home until late. I dread even looking him in the face, I'm so ashamed. I keep playing the conversation back in my mind and wondering if I should have said it differently... I practiced so much that I thought it would go off without a hitch. I really had deluded myself into thinking he would jump on board with me, but I think maybe I was a fool.