I KNOW I need a spanking, but WHY do I need it?

Here's my problem, I know I need a good spanking. A really good one. I've been reading your website for a few days now and I love it. I have touched on the subject lightly with my man. He understands the idea and we are going to talk about it after a certain event coming up in our lives is finally past so we can move on. The problem is right now I feel it I know I need a good ripping into for the years and years of needing it and not getting one. However I don't know why I feel like I need it, I just know that I do. Which makes it really hard to possibly try to explain to him why I need him to spank me, even if it's just this once. Would someone tell me possible reasons why I feel I need this so much? Why it would help me. I know that it would I just don't know how or why. If I understand it better maybe I could finally explain to him why I need it.



I know this is probably not that helpful but I think you are either wired for it or you are not. It's like saying why does one person like Marmite and another not. It's just the way you are.



When you see that your behavior or your perception of roles need to be tweaked a bit from time to time, your body cries out to be put into its proper place. You know you won't die or be permanently injured...so you can embrace that which you truly need.

What spanking can do for some women

There are many possible ways of explaining it, from explanations in terms of events and behaviors and thoughts and feelings, to more biological/neurological explanations.

For some, spanking can be very cathartic. Often, a woman can be feeling upset, frustrated, tetchy, tearful or otherwise negatively emotional for no particular reason, or no good reason.

Probably what has happened is that, perhaps because she is under stress more generally, or is suffering from pre-menstural symptoms or she is in physical pain, etc., when a tiny negative thought crosses her mind, instead of hardly noticing it, letting it pass, or resolving it in her mind, she focuses on it, and in the context of her increased stress or pain, and with a bit of bad luck, this sets up an emotional over-reaction in her brain, which she then feels the need to explain in words, giving reasons for why she is feeling so bad. She then unconsciously looks around for reasons for this negative emotion, and finds further negative thoughts/reasons. They are not the actual reason for the fact that she feels awful, but she thinks they are, and that often feeds back, increasing the negative emotion, and causing her to seek further explanations for the fact that she feels awful. The leads to a vicious circle of negative thoughts fired by brain reactivity, which is increased by negative thoughts, which are increased by limbic system reactivity.

What a good spanking can do at such times, for Taken In Hand folk whose relationship includes spanking, is to cut through that vicious circle and stop the unfortunate feedback loops in the brain. It channels the high emotion into an intense, loving, connecting and quite possibly sexual interaction with the woman's husband. When you are getting the spanking of your life you aren't likely to be unconsciously trying to come up with other explanations for your high emotion. It is a cathartic, healing interaction that soothes fears and feels very connecting to many Taken In Hand people.

If any of the negative thoughts have been about the woman's husband, his giving her the spanking of her life reassures her of his love and his presence and his control.

The beauty of this kind of Taken In Hand interaction is that it takes what is actually a bit of a problem (our brains getting into these unfortunate vicious circle feedback and feedforward loops by biological and other bad luck) and uses that to create something wholly positive: an intense, loving, connecting, and possibly sexual interaction between husband and wife. (Even if it is not sexual at the time of the spanking, the fact that that happens in the relationship tends to dramatically increase the connection and sexual heat in the relationship more generally.)

So why do you need it? I don't know why YOU do. But for many, that is how they connect most deeply with their husband. It is cathartic. It replaces feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, irritability, grumpiness, and other negative emotions, with a feeling of relief, release, peacefulness, softness, gratitude, stillness, empathy, ecstasy, and other positive feelings. It can wash away feelings of guilt, insecurity, fear, and it can increase sexual desire.

It doesn't matter if there's no identifiable reason for needing a spanking. It can work either way. Sometimes, some women just need one.

You might find, though, that it won't work as advertised unless it is in the context of a Taken In Hand relationship. If it does work, great! But if it doesn't, don't lose hope. It probably just needs to be in the right context.

Search me

I don't know why you need a spanking. I don't know why I need one either, I only know that I DO, but I'm not getting one any time soon, because my husband is away and won't be back till next Tuesday, and I am getting really frustrated, so i really sympathise with you.

I don't know how you can explain it to your man other than by saying that it's something you really want him to do. You can tell him, if it's any help, that loads of other women feel the same. It's not a problem I have personally, because any time I said to my husband "Why do I need a spanking?" he would normally be able to supply me with a whole list of reasons.


It's erotic

..because it's erotic and arousing for some of us and because sex is such a strong feeling and desire. (But I would never want it characterised as any kind of proper punishment for misdeeds -it's a fun thing someone who controls me does for his pleasure)

When I feel I need to be span

When I feel I need to be spanked I think it's because I need to feel that connection. Sometimes it's because I've had a rough week that has felt so out of control that I need to feel control from somewhere. It calms me to feel that there is some one bigger and stronger who is willing to take control for a while--why that needs to be in the form of a spanking, I'm not sure. I guess that's just my wiring.

I KNOW I need a spanking, but WHY do I need it?

Dear Confused,

You need it, because the need to be controlled by a man is a deep female instinct, which has been developed in the past of natural history of the human species. In modern life women frequently need a confirmation of their man's control, like men need to execute their control in an appropriate way. The man's classical smack on the female bottom is nothing else than a symbolic gesture for that. No honest woman would deny, that it is a gesture, which basically excites her. And no man could honestly deny, that it stimulates him too. What does that mean? Think about it! For the man's part: "You are mine, and this could also be harder." For the woman's part: "If this man wants me, I might need to surrender to him, and I feel, like if I would like it."—Of course, in most cases, it is just a (couraged) play, but it has a serious background, like most things we play. They are symbols for serious, partly subconscious wishes, demands and dreams.

The female erotic impetus is basicly submissive, passive, while the man is active and dominant. That's already a consequence of the functinal difference in sexual behaviour, although it might come out differently for different indíviduals. But very female women and very male men suffer under certain social norms, which prevent them from projecting their sexual impetus onto their daily life and communication with the other sex.

Your need for a spanking, dear Confused, is nothing else than your subconscious longing for your own female role and for the dominant role of your husband.


Need for control

That some people do need control is evident, but I don't believe that it is a female instinct. some women don't want to be controlled at all, and some men do. Likewise with spanking, some women want it, and so do some men. The first man I ever knew who raised the subject of spanking wanted ME to spank HIM (alas, he picked the wrong girl). And then there are same-sex couples where one or other is in control. And there are people who are switches (I knew a man like that once too). Human behaviour is too complex to be tidily compartmentalised as male or female, or at any rate so I have found.


Sorry to disappoint you Aigismund

"the need to be controlled by a man is a deep female instinct, which has been developed in the past of natural history of the human species. In modern life women frequently need a confirmation of their man's control, like men need to execute their control in an appropriate way. The man's classical smack on the female bottom is nothing else than a symbolic gesture for that. No honest woman would deny, that it is a gesture, which basically excites her. "

My sister would not agree with you here at all. In her relationship she is the one incharge. If her husband tried a random smack on the bottom he would find out very quickly with a severe lashing of her tongue that she is not excited by it but highly pissed off by it.


reply to sigismund's comment to Confused about spanking

Dear Sigismund,
I believe that your comments to Confused are totally correct. I'm a very take-charge woman in many areas of my life. Other women end up coming to me for counseling and support and I have no problem interacting witn men as work colleagues, etc. However, in my personal life, I have noticed that I respond in a very basic "female" way to a masterful man. I seem to have no control over this nor do I want any. I want to be overwhelmed by his masculinity. His strength and the fact that he can overpower me physically and pschologically drives me to speechless ecstasy. I have been spanked before by a man who wanted to 'break the ice' and though I protested vigorously, I remember being turned on by his control. I think this has something to do with some ancient wiring of the sexes where the woman desires connection with the dominant male for protection and survival purposes. There is something about a 'dangerous' man who uses his power to sexually control and possess me that speaks to some deep primal thing inside me. I definitely think it is the male, female thing. A man who is not strong and lovingly in control does not make me feel safe. I was raised by my father to value education and have my own opinions and creative spirit but none of that has quenched this 'female' need.


Can't relate to feeling protected

I am a woman: I love being spanked and dominated. However I never have felt protected or secure with a dominant man. I cannot relate to this at all.

I have never associated safety with dominance or taken in hand style affair, and I do not feel peaceful nor do I feel secure. I do feel free and wild! When the experience is really intense I come out of it feeling more aggressive than when I started. In other words, when a dominant man breaks me he breaks the famine side of me and I become completely masculine. I like feeling feminine and submissive during long foreplay but ultimately I switch to the other side and this does wonders for my health and it is like rocket fuel for my carrier. Male dominance makes me manly!!!

In fact it makes me feel totally feral and primal, it awakens my masculine urges toward aggression. When he breaks me is not when I bare my neck but when he risks bearing his neck to me! It makes me feel like I should be the guardian and protector. It drives me to protect the man.

I never felt that way in school (reply to Security) never felt tentative. I always enjoyed playing hardball. I have enjoyed being threatening if I have to be and I have always gotten the best results. While I am submissive woman sexually, I have little to no interest in the general feminine 'stuff'; In fact I do not believe there is such a thing.

I do not believe that girls are one way and boys another because I am the exception and I am sure I am not alone. If I held this belief then it would force me to feel like I was not human. I don’t understand how people can make so many broad assumptions; there are so many cultures, people, situations, inclinations that reductionism which is almost popular today is absurd, not to mention unscientific. I sure it sells a lot of books though.

I am one proof that this is largely a sexual inclination with very few rules. I am not nurturing and I can be very clinical. I thrive on fierce competition and I enjoy conquering.
I break the stereotypes. What does that make me? What am I supposed to think about myself? When I was younger I felt like the main character in the movie the elephant man. I felt like a freak. Now I see I have an advantage to being different.

To each his own: I thought we had evolved beyond stereotypes!


I think being spanked can make one feel secure. If you are spanked, your punishment means that the guilt is over with and you can move on. Spanking is a simplifier. It reduces the human condition into an easy answer...pain, release, cure (if only temporary). I think that I crave spanking simply because for those brief moments while being spanking, life gets simple. There are most definitely a great many other aspects of complicated emotions surrounding spanking...but this is probably one of them. For women, very few things are ever simple. Take look in a classroom sometime and watch the girls answer questions...they probably start off with something like, "I'm not sure if this is right, but, I think, ...." tentatively giving the correct answer. Women have to learn more than to be their best; they have to learn how not to be threatening while being their best (very sad and annoying but social conditioning forces this truism upon us all). In short, life as a woman is complicated. Being spanked is one of the most non-complicated, easiest things that can happen to a woman (if it is in the right context).

You cannot generalise

Lots of women are dominant and many are neither dominant nor submissive. Many would laugh or cry abuse if subjected to what some people wrongly say is "natural" . Those who say all the average woman needs is a good beating and a seeing to in bed are very very wrong for many many women.

As to why you might feel you need a spanking I think for some of us we're born like this just as if we were born gay. It's my sexuality.