How do I express my need without making him feel inadequete?

How do I express my need without making him feel inadequete?

Hello,
For the last week I've been dropping hints, and emailing my rather easygoing husband articles from this site. Well, last night we had a frank talk. I explained that I have a primal need for my mate to be in charge, that if I win too many arguments I actually feel insecure.

After a long silence, he said "Did you know who you were marrying when you said yes?" But the thing is, before he was deployed with the army, he was much firmer with me. There was no doubting who was in charge, and if I did he made his authority felt.

I would love to hear advice from other sensitive, caring men. How do I express my needs to him without tearing him down? He feels like he doesn't deserve me already.

Thank you for helping someone so new to this site.

Mrs G

Careful language

I ran into this problem when I introduced this idea to my man about a month ago. I spent so much time trying to figure out the right way to bring it up that by the time I finally did, I was so pent-up and frustrated that I said everything completely wrong and made him feel like I don't want or appreciate him the way he is. This couldn't be further from the truth. We're starting to come back from that experience, and this is how I did it:

I explained to him that I love him and couldn't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else. I would suggest outlining some examples of how he makes you happy already. As in your relationship, he was more of an authority figure in the beginning, although I was the one that killed that for us, not the army. I would advise you to make it about the ways you have changed versus the ways he has changed. Making it about you takes away the threat that he is perceiving, because he probably thinks you want him to become someone entirely different.

I explained to C that people change over time, and that just because I didn't appreciate his leadership when I was a snotty sixteen-year-old doesn't preclude my enjoyment of it as a grown woman! I also tried to explain the societal aspect of it. It feels like a betrayal of the women who fought long and hard to win rights for us to admit that we do prefer for a man to be in charge! I told him that deep down, I had felt like this always, but being raised by an independent single mother made me ashamed of my own wants and needs.

This is a tricky subject, and I'm not downing this site AT ALL, but maybe take the focus off the website. My C seemed to take it as me comparing him to other men and finding him lacking. Instead, have a real conversation where you talk about how it makes you feel when he takes charge and also mae sure you talk about they ways it will benefit him. At first glance, Taken-in-Hand seems like nothing but work for the man, but really there are many benefits, the end of 90% of marital strife not being the least of them!

Good luck, and keep us updated! I'm interested in how other new 'converts' to TIH are coming along!

IMO, one of the best

IMO, one of the best suggestions I have read on this site is to act "as if…". If you act like you are already being taken in hand, there is an excellent chance your husband will recognize the change, find that he likes it, and start acting "as if" on his own part.

Now, please recognize that guys do not always pick up on things like this immediately. You have to give it some time . . .

It's simple.

Quote: "After a long silence, he said "Did you know who you were marrying when you said yes?" But the thing is, before he was deployed with the army, he was much firmer with me. There was no doubting who was in charge, and if I did he made his authority felt."

Here you have it. It's not like you are trying to turn a bird into a fish. Problem solved.

Yes, you knew who you married, and then he changed. What a bad joke! Aren't men those who joke about women changing after the wedding? Hahaha! Back to us. Tell him that side of his character was among those ones that made him special in your eyes, and that while you understand that he may have relaxed his ways as time passed by, or relinquished control because he trusted your judgement, you'd very much prefer if he were to restore the previous situation. As you can see, no blame here, hence no worries about him getting defensive. Speak in a relaxed a friendly tone - nagging not allowed! - and when he is in a relaxed mood.

Good luck.