How did you figure out that this is what you wanted?

It seems folks, male or female, don’t always learn they want a Taken In Hand relationship overnight. How did you come to know you wanted this? How old were you when you figured out that this is what you want? Did you discover it gradually or suddenly? What happened? What changed? How did you come to know you wanted this rather than something else, like BDSM, DD, D/s, polyamory/non-monogamy, or a standard traditional/old-fashioned marriage, for example?

Darren C

How I knew

For me it was almost ridiculously easy. That's because even as a child (long before any sexual feelings) I instinctively felt drawn to strong, dominant men. There has never been a moment's doubt in my mind what type of man and relationship I wanted. I can simply not envision it any other way.

Jessica Rabbit


I knew what kind of man I wanted from childhood and got him in my husband when I married at twenty. About a month after the wedding, I stayed out late swimming with my friends without contacting him. I was trying to show him how independent I could be without thinking about how scared he would be. He saw this as a move to get attention and spanked me when I got home. This made me ecstatically happy as well as tearful. I hadn't told him about my spanking fantasies because I found them embarrassing and immature. I still didn't tell him that night, but he told me that sometimes husbands spank their wives and that spanking is "a common desire in women." The next day, I found "Taken In Hand." I hadn't researched my desires before because they seemed so individual to me.


I have to represent those of

I have to represent those of us who like this site very much but would not necessarily say they want "this." We are constantly arriving at what is good for our marriage, dealing with our own weaknesses privately and within the marriage, and enjoying many about our individual lives and the life we have together. Prior to marrying I was a bit of a lost soul and dabbled in things that are poor substitutes for what is sometimes called Taken in Hand. On the sexual side, I had a cheap interest in spanking, imagining girls in my classes, etc. On the 'manly strength' side I was a windswept nihilist. Neither of these things has survived contact with my wife, a real person, but the things for which they were substitutes have arrived.

The Internet

I would probably never have figured it out if not for the internet. I realised I wanted this when I discovered the Taken In Hand website, after being with my present husband for 22 years. Prior to that, although I had always fantasised about being in a Taken In Hand type relationship, and my husband and I had played at it, it had never occured to me to take it seriously. Better late than never.


Took me a while

For me, I more slowly eased into the idea over time. Mostly it was because of some reactions I had to things that surprised me, which got me to re-think a lot of things I believed in at the time.

It pretty much all grew out of my current (and only major) relationship. I noticed that, while I had always been the furthest thing from submissive my whole life, that at times, I would act that way around my boyfriend. What shocked me, was how much I LOVED it.

I know that this site isn't about the woman being submissive, this is just one thing that got me thinking differently, which eventually led me to this site.

There were other things. I would act like such a, well, girl around him! I had always been a tomboy. I used to shun girly behavior! I always strived to be so serious, decisive, analytical, rational, controlled. I was extremely stubborn and never let ANYONE tell me what to do (I could be very difficult to handle!). Suddenly around him I was childlike and cute! I trusted his direction. I used to think it was disgusting when women acted like that. I realized, that he was all those things I had wanted to be, but better. I realized that all those things I had wanted to be, were things I idolized. Now, I had it in him, so I was free to express other parts of myself. I am still many of those things, but not as strictly as before.

I realize that might sound like I think men are 'better' than women. No I don't think that. I just now think men in general are more inclined to think or act certain ways then women are. Since I have began to become comfortable with and explore my feminine side, I have gained a deeper respect for it. I even sort of think feminism went wrong with trying to make women more like men. I think that what was needed was more of a respect for what women are. I mean, how often do you hear about women criticizing other women for staying home with kids, and how she is 'wasting' herself?

I enjoy the feminine side. I'm glad I have the respect I have for it now.

So, I started to personally believe in a relationship that isn't strictly equal in every way. I saw things through the lens of 'masculine' and 'feminine'. I learned the different roles those can take in a relationship. It was like a whole new world. I had always believed in completely egalitarian relationships. Now, I think that roles are important, at least for some people. My boyfriend describes it as a non-linear equality. Both sides are respected and valued, but they are not the same.

So I guess in a nutshell, I naturally fell into this, in a way. It fascinated me, and through my research, I ended up here.

How I knew

I'd been in the BDSM lifestyle for most of my adult life so I knew I was dominant but the women I was meeting through an ad on a BDSM site were not what I was looking for. When I met my wife, who's vanilla and averse to BDSM, I wanted her so badly I married her despite the fact that she claimed not to be submissive. Finding Taken In Hand was a godsend. It gave me ideas for how to be dominant with a more vanilla wife. What I had not expected was that my preferences would change as they have done since I met my wife. There's nothing obviously BDSM about my dominance over my wife, but I am totally in control of her. It's like Taken In Hand has stripped away the trappings of my previous BDSM dominance but replaced them with control that's more fundamental and lasting. Ironic that that never happened until I met a vanilla Taken In Hand woman.


How I came to realise

My wife realised first that I was actually a dominant personality who was trying hard to fit the (supposed) societal norm of equality in all things and becoming bitter and resentful. Given that she was really after a husband that would lead, nurture and discipline when necessary it all just fell into place.

I'd heard of taken in hand before but I only started looking into it once I began to research whether or not other couples lived the way we did. Taken in hand is a broad church and it means different things to different people, but as its primary focus is the maintenance of a respectful relationship rather than the individual kinks of the respective partners then it's the best fit for us.