How can singles make themselves more ready for a Taken In Hand relationship?

How one can cultivate one's Taken In Hand inclinations if one is single?

Should Taken In Hand inclined women work towards being more ladylike? Men towards being more chivalrous and gentlemanly?

Based on what I’ve read from the various postings on this site, I'm under the impression that most of the people on here are married. Well, what if you’re not in a Taken In Hand relationship yet? What can single men and women who want to be in a Taken In Hand type of relationship do in the meantime to develop themselves in a Taken In Hand direction until they develop a relationship with someone? Our lives do not stop just because we're not partnered off. What can we do to make ourselves more ready for a wonderful Taken In Hand relationship?

A great question I ask myself ..

This is a great question that I ask myself: If I were her, would I want to date me? Right now, I have to admit that, right now, no, I would not want to date me. I ask myself why I would not want to date me, and then work towards remedying those issues. That having been said, self-improvement is never ending, regardless of being in a relationship or not. Getting married does NOT mean that you are "done". It means that it is more important than ever to take your path of self-improvement to an all new level.

Here's what I'm doing:

There are two things I'm doing now that I wasn't doing before learning more about Taken In Hand. One is, I spend a lot of time fine-tuning my inner self, learning more and more about what it is I really need from a man and a relationship. I was never as conscious of who i really am until recently, and now I have a vocabulary and a greater awareness of what all this means, it's much easier to find someone who can give me what I'm looking for. I spend a lot of time reading as much as I can about these types of relationships, taking responsibility for my prior lack of self-awareness. For right now, this new self-awareness is extremely gratifying, because before I was confused about my needs, and now I am not.

The second thing I've learned the hard way is that there are very gentle, non-intrusive, non-demanding ways to let a new man in your life know what you need. This site has helped me enormously by providing stories and examples that have illustrated the pitfalls of being far too declarative too early in the budding relationship. What I might have thought was simple honesty in the past, I know now is perceived as being demanding and rather frightening by a new man in my life.

I've learned something I only knew imperfectly prior to this, which is that it's actually never necessary in the beginning of a relationship to tell a man I'm interested in that I am looking for a Taken In Hand relationship. In fact, there are behaviors involved in Taken In Hand that you simply do not have to label, but can encourage nonetheless. Putting a label on gentlemanly behavior, or, what I prefer, which is more controlling behavior, is not necessary (as in, "oh, that was a very dominant thing for you to do; that's great, because I need a dominant man, since my tendency is toward submissiveness").

No. This is too much, it's too clinical, it's not romantic, and it's beside the point. However, if a man does behave in a way that I like, what I can do instead of labelling it, is to compliment him for his directness, or for taking responsibility, or for helping me with something. Any action he takes, or any character trait he exhibits that reflects what I'm looking for, I can encourage, without actively saying to him, "ooh, that was so controlling of you, and that really turns me on," etc., etc.

The direct approach might work later on, once the relationship is more solid, but at first, I now believe it's better to be indirect and encouraging, because I've found even the most promising of relationships can be destroyed by too much honesty early on. I prepare the ground for the new relationship by being more womanly, more feminine, more gentle, and more accepting, than I have ever been before.

Appearance matters

If you're hoping to meet someone in real life then go where the real men are, be pretty, lose weight, get yourself sorted out internally so that you're happy.

pericles comments are probably wise. I always say too much what I want and then it feels like my being controlling which is the last thing I want to be although it's hard to get the balance right.

Re: Here's what I'm doing

I think that Pericles’ comment is great, but I don’t think that “honesty” is the most accurate word to use, especially since honesty is a vital part of any successful relationship.

What I might have thought was simple honesty in the past, I know now is perceived as being demanding and rather frightening by a new man in my life.

If you were to find a man who was naturally Taken In Hand, and who knew that he was and that it was a good thing and what to do, then saying to him “Hi, I’m Gunnalison. I like long walks on the beach and pizza with pineapple, and I want to live under the control of a man”, would work really well. :-)

However, the naturally Taken In Hand man you are likely to meet is probably in a less than ideal state because he has been told constantly, by just about everyone, that Taken In Hand qualities are terrible and hated by all women. So, to him, simple honesty even remotely resembling this would be equivalent to your landing in front of him in an alien spaceship and saying “let’s go to my home planet, and I want you to be the pilot”.

The problem isn’t the honesty, but rather the instantaneous information overload. It isn’t that you would appear demanding or frighten him, but that he would become disoriented and uncertain about what to do to avoid disappointing you. And he might become a bit angry at you for putting him in the position (according to his perception) of losing you unless he immediately performed flawlessly the opposite of what he has been told and taught.

It will take him a bit of time to clarify things in his own mind, and he will need to experiment and practice. And, especially if he is a good man, he will worry about hurting you.

So, frequent and repetitive feedback is essential, and your approach is the perfect way to help him.

However, if a man does behave in a way that I like, what I can do instead of labeling it, is to compliment him for his directness, or for taking responsibility, or for helping me with something. Any action he takes, or any character trait he exhibits that reflects what I'm looking for, I can encourage, without actively saying to him, "ooh, that was so controlling of you, and that really turns me on," etc., etc.

Once the relationship is more solid (and mutual understanding and acceptance have evolved), direct and open communication is not only appropriate, but also an absolute prerequisite to taking your interactions to higher and more fulfilling levels. (And frequent positive feedback, from both, will continue to be essential forever.)

This is so very true... except for the pineapple. ;-)

What I have encountered is the man who is controlling but needs to have that brought out in him. What I have found is that if I come straight out and say, "you have take-charge tendencies, and I like that in a man," it's much more likely he will run the other way, because yes, the alien space ship has landed, and he has no idea what to do with me. I have too often been looked at like I have two heads. I have learned that if this is going to work, if I am going to be with the man I need, it isn't so much a process of finding that man, since the qualities I'm looking for exist in almost every man I know. It's more a process of encouraging those qualities, and letting him know there's nothing wrong with expressing those qualities.

Most men I've encountered have learned to suppress their innate desire to take control, and most are completely unwilling to take control. They've learned (the hard way) how most women are likely to respond to their attempts at taking control. This might sound silly, but the first thing I do with any man is let him drive me in my car. This tells him first thing, you're in the driver's seat. I cede that control immediately. I love driving, but I love having him drive me more than I want to drive. Now, some men take to this easily, but I've had others seriously doubt my sanity, that I would give up my car to an almost complete stranger. This is how I can tell how much 'work' bringing out his innate desire to control me and other situations is going to be.

"Most men I've encountered have learned to suppress..."

"... their innate desire to take control, and most are completely unwilling to take control. They've learned (the hard way) how most women are likely to respond to their attempts at taking control."

I know this only too well. My problem is I am always too vocal and at the forefront when expressing my desires upon the initial meeting. I can NOT help myself in this, so PLEASE do not advise me on how to correct this problem, since I already know.

Honestly, I don't even know why I posted this, since I already know the prescribed solution; one which I am NOT willing to apply. I FIRMLY believe that a blossoming relationship requires the UTMOST in honesty, in spite of the possible distressing results.

I can NOT lie. I can NOT deceive. Unfortunately, I also can NOT moderate the rate at which I reveal myself. I think that here in lies my difficulty. I blow it all out and then await the cursed follout. This is my curse, and I will live with it until it expires, if ever.

Don't offer me advice, since I already know what it is. I can NOT accept it and be true to myself. I know what I want and will accept nothing less than honest and pure acceptance for what it truly is.

My sole reason for this posting is to simply register my frustration at a seemingly accepting forum. Personally and privately, I will deal with such secretly, unless my distress turns in a positive manner.

Mick McCleod

Experience Different from Preconceptions

As I have posted many times, I began disciplining my future wife when she was a teenager—before some quack made the disciplinary spanking or a beguiling college coed a litmus test for perversion. Although I was aware of *wife spanking*, I did not perceive the necessity to redden a woman buttocks to be an ongoing process.

According to the popular mythology of the day, spanking should only be required once. At least I did not know any wives spanked more than once. The events were episodic.

Hence, the first time I put my future wife over my lap, I thought I was dealing with an adolescent behavior that could be solved with a spanking. Even though I was correct, I failed to understand the broader implications—even after spanking her again several months later.

Although, in hindsight, one might think of the initial spankings as *training* for marriage, the two events were so disconnected as to be meaningless. From my perspective, there was something more fundamental driving our relationship.

Had my future wife not been genuine—been herself—I would have quickly lost interest in her. Then, as now, potential girlfriends were plentiful. When I met my future wife, I was not looking for one.

Conversely, although my future wife had been interested in me for years, I was oblivious until she engineered our first date. By the end of our second date—consisting of talking almost all night under a mercury vapor lamp while her unseen friends watched us curiously from a respectful distance—I realized that I had found a unique individual.

One of the worst things people can do is try to *fake it* to *impress*. Eventually the charade falls apart. Phoniness is the leading cause of disgrace among politicians—and they deceive people for a living!

If you want a lasting relationship, find someone interested in *you*—who is there for you no matter what. They are there to support you and listen to you. There is friendship.

My wife and I dated for about a year without a kiss. During that time, although I popped her on the seat of her clothes numerous times, I only spanked her twice.

The second time I did not bother getting explicit permission to pull down her panties. This time it was nonnegotiable.

She would tell me later, she knew when we talked about what needed to be done that she deserved to *lose her panties*; her only question was whether I had the nerve to bare her buttocks!

Before the second spanking, our intimacy was limited to holding hand. Sometime after that, we began kissing. Engagement quickly followed.

Because my future mother-in-law wanted to make sure her daughter received a university education—as she had done before marriage—we were trying to stretch out our premarital relationship until she graduated from college. Then things began moving so fast after the second spanking that we married while my wife was still in school.

Some of our friends thought the only reason we married so quickly was because the bride was pregnant. After all, that was traditionally the cause of many an untimely marriage.

One of my former college roommates even went so far as to give us a rocking chair—which dutifully noted its intended use—as a wedding gift. Most of our peers were more than a little surprised when it took a few years for our first child to arrive.

My future mother-in-law—no stranger to the telltale signs of pregnancy and a sticker for virginity—may have been to only other person to know that her daughter was not pregnant. In fact, her sensitivity to pregnancy was so accurate that, years later, she told my wife that she was pregnant *before* my wife knew it!

The first pregnancy was delayed because it took us that long to get our marriage straightened out! My wife knew what needed to be done—basically pulling down her panties and paddling her hard enough for her to still feel it when she sat down the next day!

Meanwhile, I thought I had done what needed to be done *before* before we got married and that marriage magically matured couples. It was a recipe for disaster.

Although I have never tried it, I have been repeatedly advised that cohabitation has little in common with marriage. The same is true for with living with a college roommate.

Dating is a game in which most people present their best selves. While there are exceptions, those failing this simple test usually exclude themselves from further consideration by previously interested parties. Usually, the full dimensions of personality are not revealed until two people are forced to live together for a prolonged period of time under the same roof.

Preparing for marriage is like getting ready for combat. It does not matter what you think you know, your preconceptions are going to be wrong. It is nothing like you thought it was going to be!

So many things can go wrong it can be bewildering. Children can further complicate the picture—especially in blended families. Even the best meaning in-laws can be disruptive.

Keeping a job or acquiring an education can add to the strain.

Nevertheless, if couples understand a few basics, *Taken in Hand* is not difficult. Rather, it is deceptively simple.

After all, men have been spanking women for thousands of years. Only recently has it become a contentious issue.

My advice to singles is to learn from the trophy wife—whose first marriage failed because her high school sweetheart could not handle her. Like my wife, she married while she was in college.

Her sage advice was that couples need to understand that when to have sex or how to spend the money is not going to determine the fate of the marriage. It is what to do when the wife needs a spanking that *hurts*!

That time comes in every marriage. Sometimes—as happened with my future wife and I—it comes before marriage. How the couple prepares for and handles that moment of decision will set the tone of their marriage for years to come.

Couples also must understand that marriage and family courses in college, wedding rings, or pre-marriage counseling do not solve problems. At some point, they have to talk and work things out on their own.

Laying the groundwork involves discussions. Although no longer fashionable, these should include what to do about *wife spanking* or, more realistically, giving the wife a *bare bottom padding* after the honeymoon euphoria has faded and the need to work out the real life problems of living together brings out broader dimensions of character.

If the bride or bridegroom has thought about it—and women tend to be more innately in tune with the immanent practicality of *bare bottom paddling* than are men—the issue will remain unresolved until some agreement between the two is reached. The worst time to have to make a decision is when it is either almost or already *too late*!

Marriage is not for the faint of heart. Husbands tend to have rather predictable needs while wives must *get all their ducks in a row* before being ready to do anything.

Husbands can be annoyingly sullen. Wives can be exasperatingly moody. Men like things straightforward. Women want to explore all their options—sometimes with detours and backtracks just to be sure.

In the mix, frustration are inevitable. As a result, couples will either drift apart or they will work things out. Failure to communicate can result in impulsive behaviors.

It is not unheard of for a desperate wife to present herself to her husband with the explicit expectation of being paddled on her bare buttocks. This is very close to what happened in our marriage.

By the same token—despite vociferous objections from the wife—husbands have been know to haul a difficult wife to the bedroom and, after suitably denudation, reduce her defiance to emotional jelly with his belt. Despite feminist propaganda to the contrary, the wife is more likely to realize that she needed to be *Taken in Hand* than she is to despise her husband.

Despite these incidents, things usually flow more smoothly if some agreement can be reached before resorting to such extremes.

Regardless of methodology, success in marriage begins when husbands and wives do what needs to be done instead of slavishly following a *politically correct* proscriptions or naively think that they will always remain *in love*. The latter only lasts for about a year and the former is a guaranteed recipe for disaster.

Despite horoscopes and other figments of the imagination, few couples are inherently compatible or incompatible. Men and women make or break their relationships.

Seldom are successes or failures attributable to only one participant. Innately, women look for men able to *take charge* and come to despise the man failing to live up to that instinctive expectation.

Over the next several years—as footloose and fancy-free lifestyles become increasingly fraught with dubious outcomes amid turbulent circumstances—finding and maintaining stable relationships will become imperative. Although by no means a perfect solution for all problems, *Taken in Hand* can solve or reduce many marital difficulties.

Learning And Being More Ladylike..

In learning about a Taken In Hand relationship, which I had never even heard about until my beloved came along, Taming Of The Shrew comes to mind in some ways, lol. I was a bit rough around the edges. There are several things I do now that I had not done before being in a Taken In Hand relationship. I had to become much more feminine than I had been in the past. I was so used to wearing the pants so to speak; I literally always wore jeans and pants. I now believe that you are what you wear, lol. My wardrobe now consists mainly of skirts and dresses. My demeanor has changed significantly since becoming more feminine too. I also get my nails professionally done now-and have let them grow. I have always had them short with no polish-I had given up on that because of all the work I do around the house, etc. A manicure lasted about two days.
No foul language. The biggest thing for me to un-learn and un-do is cussing. When my beloved brought it to my attention I was so ashamed I wanted to crawl under my seat, lol. He is such a gentleman. I had done it for years and it had become a habit because I have always been around people who cuss. I now find it distasteful.
Learning to surrender and letting HIM wear the pants was big for me as well. I had to get used to letting HIM open the car door for me, letting HIM carry packages and worry about paying the bills. Also letting him drive my car. I have let him take control. It is so wonderful not to have to be in complete control of everything.
Look outside the box and learn to spoil. I have really learned to pay attention to HIS wants and needs. Learning to actually listen instead of just hear him. I wish I had really learned to listen before. I have learned to spoil and take care of him because he works so hard to take care of me and he makes sure I have everything that I need. What HE wants, HE gets; yes, sometimes it takes a while to get him what he wants but I do make sure he gets it. He is worth the extra miles that I go to do things for him.
I have become the woman I am today because of my beloved and the taken in hand relationship and I am still learning-I am not perfect and have been spanked a few times now :))
I hope my learning experiences help you along your way!