Hint that you want a Taken In Hand relationship?

...should be approached Face-To-Face.

OK, you fear a direct approach? Try flatly stating that you truly wish to be his "Dream Girl" and ASK him what that means to him. That places the "ball" in his "court".

Expect him to be shocked by your query, but once he recovers his equilibrium, expect a rational and well-thought response.

Upon his reply, I firmly believe that you must decide on the future of this relationship. This means that if his answer predicts something less than ideal, you should determine at that time whether the consequences of continuing the relationship will be tolerable or not.

Mutual satisfaction, of course, IS ideal, but YOUR satisfaction is of UTMOST importance. Remember, should you decide to continue this relationship, you commit your entire life to him. The decision to continue or not will define the quality of the rest of your life.

--
Mick McCleod

Wrapping my head around everything 'Taken in Hand' has therefore been a slow and steady exercise, but I'm coming to the conclusion that it's something I have a desire for.

I understand this. As someone who was ALWAYS in control of myself and my marriage, it was a total shock to myself that being Taken in Hand was something I would want. I think what is most important for you to do right now, is decide if this is something you REALLY want. Easier said than done if you have never tried, I know, but you must really try to question your intention now. If you think this is some "fix" to solve problems in your marriage you may end up disappointed if it is not a true desire. While I am the first to admit my marriage is 110% better after being Taken In Hand, the reason for this is because of my intention. I desired and wanted to be Taken In Hand, the side effect of that was a profound improvement of my marriage. I hope you understand what I am saying. This must be your desire or in my opinion you both will just end up frustrated.

As it stands now, I've limited myself to visiting this site and reading Laura Doyle's 'The Surrendered Wife', both of which I have done rather secretively. In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit wanting such a relationship, and really can't imagine bringing it up in conversation with my husband, in part because I don't want to feel as though I'm forcing my ideas or desires on him. Worse, would be if he perceived this as being some kind of fetish or fantasy to partake in only some of the time.

While I did enjoy parts of Laura Doyle's book, I don't necessarily agree with everything she writes. I think for anyone reading ANY book, you need to keep that what resonates and works for you and discard the rest. I don't subscribe to the "secret" method. I firmly believe that open, honest communication is the best method for getting to where you want to be. I have too much respect for my husband to sink to what in my opinion is conniving, and frankly an insult to his intelligence. My husband deserves my honesty, and actually demands it. Since he is the head of the household, I must honor that. Yes, it can be embarrassing at times, though as time goes on, it becomes less so.

I am the one who brought the idea of being Taken In Hand to him, so I really do understand where it is you are coming from. I was embarrassed at first. I also constantly felt as if I was the one pushing this type of relationship, as if I was "forcing" him. I would check with him and ask him incessantly if this was the case. He was very patient and we talked about it openly and honestly. I truly believe that is one of the major cornerstones of this type of dynamic; communication. Without the ability to communicate, you cannot think to be successful with this. My thoughts on "forcing" him have changed dramatically over the past year. I have learned, and this is something that you will learn too, is if he is the head of the household, the leader, it is his right to say "No". If he doesn't say no or tell you to change something that you are doing, then you have to assume he is comfortable with the relationship. I am of the opinion that you as his wife owe him your thoughts and desires and he has the leader will decide what is best.

I think my husband did think this was some passing fancy of mine at first. I think that can only go away with time. We were married almost 14 years before I was Taken In Hand. For us, this was a complete 180 in our way of relating to each other. I can tell you now that it was the best thing that has ever happened to us. Some of the results occurred immediately, increased intimacy, not being able to get enough of each other, happiness, his increased confidence, and I could go on. But I am not sure if he was truly convinced that it would last. Now that he believes it and we are secure in our roles, HE would NEVER give it up. My husband LOVES his role in our family, and I love mine too.

but when your husband doesn't know what you're up to, it can be difficult to maintain that voluntary submissive state as there are no consequences for reverting back to the controlling person you used to be.

This is EXACTLY why I believe honesty is the best policy. I am natually submissive, although many women here are not. If I didn't feel my Husband's power, I would find it hard not to go back to the way things were before. My husband is naturally an Alpha, but he surpressed it at home for many years. Now he and I both feel free to be who we are. I will tell you that a Taken In Hand relationship takes work, as any relationship does of course, it is ACTIVE control by the husband, so ask yourself this question, if your husband doesn't know about it, how can he actively control anything? How could it possibly work at all?

Lately we've been having intimacy issues, which has a lot to do with feeling over-extended as a result of demands that friends and family members have been making of us as of late. There's just been no time for "us". Since male-led relationships tend to lend themselves to fostering intimacy in marriage (and as we're already discussing relationship issues), somehow hinting at everything Taken In Hand in an email to him (under the guise of continuing our discussion on solving our intimacy issue) seems like a good idea, but I haven't the first clue how to go about doing so in such a suggestive - but naive - manner.

Part of what worked for us and intimacy was giving my blanket consent over a year ago. I have NEVER taken it back, nor will I ever. It took some getting used to at first, as my first reaction usually was, "Not tonight, I have a headache." But after he became confident in the fact that it is his right, it has been AMAZING!! I cannot stress enough how well that has worked for us. The decision for intimacy is his, and I don't have to worry or stress about it anymore. He doesn't have to worry that I will say no. That alone makes things better. Yes, real life things do get in the way with that sometimes, health, kids, family, etc, but that happens for EVERYONE. You make the best of it and move on. Being Taken In Hand doesn't stop the world from turning or kids getting sick, but it does, for us anyway, remind us that we are there for each other.

My advice regarding the email is this, face to face is better, but I understand you are scared. How about printing up some articles from this site and showing them to him. Ask him to read them. That is what I did. Articles about how I was feeling, how I saw him, what things really spoke to me, what I wanted. That was a good start for us. It sparked conversation. A LOT of conversation. Then go from there. Show him the site, ask him how he feels, and what he thinks.

Remember, this is a journey, not a sprint. Being comfortable in a Taken In Hand relationship doesn't necessarily happen overnight, but if it is what you truly desire, it can be unbelievably freeing, fulfilling, and loving.

I hope this helps you, Good Luck

"Upon his reply, I firmly believe that you must decide on the future of this relationship. This means that if his answer predicts something less than ideal, you should determine at that time whether the consequences of continuing the relationship will be tolerable or not."

Uh, maybe you did not read it carefully Mick, but the OP says she is married. Last I checked, it was not cool to ditch one's husband when his answer to a relationship question "predicts something less than ideal."

Actually, I cannot see ending any relationship because it looks like it will be less than ideal. IMO, every relationship is less than ideal.

To the OP: I think you are on the right track. Acting "as if" seems a great way to start. Then maybe you are ready to explain, in a general way, how you are trying to act and why. Let him come around gradually to how changing his own behavior fits in. It may take him a while to "get it."

Good luck. And IMO, any man whose wife starts acting "as if" is a lucky man, though it may take him a little while to catch on.

If you want him to rule, then act as if he's already ruling... ;-)

The more you make it obvious that this is what you want, the more his natural dominance is likely to come out--and you are probably 95% likely to start getting exactly what you want over time.

You can also consider heating things up. Especially if he's competitive, you can make it a game: Resist in order to surrender. Run in order to get caught. Flirt in order to get.....

Oh...flirt. Yes, flirt! MMmmmmmm, flirt! ;-)

There's nothing that stirs most men's passions like a provocative look accompanied by an ever-so-provocative outfit along with a "But you'll never catch me and take control of me" look or action.

My advice: Show him you want to be caught. Show him you want to be controlled.

And show (and maybe explain to) him that this isn't just about sex, but about your whole life together... Or maybe said a bit differently, everything is sex when he's being your man, even and especially when your clothes are on.

Suppose even after all this your husband doesn't get the hint?

Then I suggest that you talk your man's language: Be direct. :-) Most men will appreciate that a great deal. Honestly, our culture isn't very straightforward with men that this is how they should be. One could forgive a man who just doesn't understand these things unless told, right?

-Henson