Fearing your own fantasies
In Embracing each other's darkest secrets Sapphire posted in her comment:
...the other night during consensual sex, I suddenly stopped, pushed him off and said I didn't want to continue because I couldn't climax. I said, "If I can't climax, you can't either."
I said it casually but seriously, no hint of levity.He lay next to me for awhile. I thought his consideration for me would win out. We'd never been at the place where he had to make the choice to actually follow through on the 'dark desire' of his woman. And to decide if THIS situation was the right time.
The air changed and he rolled back on top of me. I fought at about 60% of my strength, incredibly turned on, but equally concerned about what he was feeling and experiencing. Did he like this? Was he losing his arousal? Would he just stop and tell me I'm sick? Was he feeling like a criminal?
He used his strength to control me, force me, take me -- and quite roughly, I might add. The intensity and passion between us was incredibly palpable. Of course he won, flipped me in several different positions until I just submitted and relished the feeling of being owned for awhile. We lay in each other's arms a long while before we talked about it.
I asked him if he got anything out of it or if he just did it for me. He said it was very 'hot' and he rather enjoyed it -- because he knew it was okay with me for him to be selfish. He knew I loved it.
I would love the freedom to take my wife like that, but I know that as things are now it would be as devastating to her as really being raped.
She recently revealed to me that a big part of it is that although she has fantasies of being bound and raped (she even has dreams of it and wakes up from them having a small orgasm), her fantasy also includes her being murdered by her rapist. It scares the crap out of her that something like this turns her on and so she refuses to get anywhere near it except for letting me hold her down as she very weakly struggles when I'm on top, and that doesn't happen often. Just mentioning that I would love to tie her up is enough to make her very anxious and want to change the subject.
It's made her reluctant to indulge in sexual fantasies at all in fact and at times she seems very disconnected from her own sexuality. This has had a negative effect on the intimate side of our marriage but it something we are working out, but I don't think it going to be really resolved until she can find some peace over this.
Does anybody here related to what my wife is struggling with and have an advise or ideas? I really don't relate. I have my own dark fantasies that would actually fit pretty well with hers but I don't fear that acting them out with a consenting partner will cause me to make them real.
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#1 Gradually Overcoming Fears
I would have her script a fantasy that she says she would be comfortable enacting during actual sex. Do this during a discussion with her, but not during sex.
Tell her that you want to help her overcome her fears, but only if it does not hurt her and if the intensity of her fantasies is increased very slowly. Whatever her fantasy, tone it down 100-fold in the bedroom when you actually engage with her fantasy. If she says she wants you to tie her up, tell her you will only hold her down for a few seconds.
Then, enact that dozens of time until she is comfortable with it.
Very gradually increase the intensity of the fantasy and to a large extent let her judge how fast things should go. If she is terrified of rope, tell her prior to the sexual act that you ought to use "this rope" to "fasten her to the bed"; but because you are so considerate, you will let her off this time -- but tell her she still needs to be dealt with harshly (with rough sex).
Very gradually, increase the intensity of enacting the fantasy. I don't think I would ever play-act killing someone in the bedroom, because even as fantasy, the fantasy has nothing to do with control by a loving husband, and feeling his loving control. Play-acting murder is simulating hate, even if an unhealthy part of her has somehow associated sexuality with it.
A fantasy should be used to help her and you feel good about each other. We objectify the woman because it is freeing for her and us, but only because we later show how much we love her. Simulated murder, even as fantasy, cannot lead to a loving frame of mind.
She can get plenty of pleasure out of near-rape, forceful sex, restraint in the bedroom, obeying you, and feeling your loving protection and control of her.
David
#2 Fear
I'm not sure that would work, her fears seem to be that if she indulges the fantasy (the bondage side of it at least) it will lead her to desire to be a victim of actual violence in reality. She has no desire to get comfortable with it, she would rather that such things didn't arouse her in the first place.