Erotic versus disciplinary spanking: how to achieve the difference?

This is a question to all those who practise erotic spanking alongside disciplinary spanking. My husband and I have been wondering whether in our still emerging Taken in Hand relationship these two forms of spanking should be more clearly separated. With us, the disciplinary spanking is definitely more painful, but still it usually ends up becoming erotic—which isn't a bad thing as such, if it happens occasionally, but we both feel that in general the difference between both should be marked more clearly.

Do others feel this need as well and, if so, how do you achieve the difference? By means of some strict rules or rituals? My husband initially suggested tying my hands for the disciplinary spankings (somehow they keep getting into his way...), but the very idea makes me panic! Any suggestions?


Why would you want to do that?

I suppose that because I am not a spanking enthusiast I don't really understand this oft-asked question. For me, the only kind of spanking that is erotic is the punishment/discipline/control kind. (It is erotic not in the moment in which it is happening but more generally.) I can't see any reason to attempt to make an artificial separation of the erotic from the punishment, and if the idea is that if it is erotic it can't work, see the following article, and the preceding articles in that series, for an argument against that idea: Why you should not withhold spanking!.

See also: Is spanking always sexual? and A beginners' guide to spanking and all the articles by Noone.

Perhaps what you are feeling is a need for the punishment spankings to be more intense? Or to be more seriously applied? Or... ? In which case, you are not alone. Many women seem to need rather more severe punishment than their man gives them, if the comments this site gets are anything to go by. But given that for many of us, the only spanking that is erotic is the serious punishment/control type, the question will have some scratching their heads in confusion. (Just what is erotic about spanking outside that context, anyway? OK, don't answer that!)

Punishment Spankings

My husband has spanked me over his lap as a punishment on maybe five or six occasions in the five years we have been married. He uses a leather strap and it hurts terribly. I find it extremely painful and it does not turn me on in the least. Which is just as well as it is supposed to be a punishment and not a pleasure.

Since I accept my husband as my master I accept that he has the right to punish me when it is needed. I do not like it but I accept that at times it is necessary. I must obey and respect him and this includes accepting his discipline.


Punishment or pleasure?

Five or six times in five years? Gosh, that wouldn't be nearly enough for me, if I go more than a couple of days without one I start to get withdrawl symptoms.

I find it impossible to separate the punishment from the pleasure, they are exquisitely mingled, and as far as my husband is concerned, that is how it should be. "If you didn't get some sort of satisfaction out of it, it would just be abuse" as he remarked to me once


Erotic and punishment

Ever since I discovered the strange world of DD I had found myself both fascinated and repelled by the idea of spanking purely for 'punishment', and by the idea that (as some people insisted) discipline spankings could somehow be 'non-erotic' even if you were a person who normally found being spanked erotic. The more I read about 'non-erotic' punishment spankings, the more turned on I became.

When I suggested to my husband, very tentatively, that he could, if he wanted, use spanking as discipline rather than purely for erotic arousal, he took to the idea with great enthusiasm, and began to spank me far more often, longer and harder than he had ever done before. However, I did not find that this made the experience of being spanked less arousing, on the contrary I began to find it far more arousing than I had ever done before. Suddenly it somehow seemed to have more point, and I found myself anticipating each spanking with a far greater degree of excitement than I had done in pre-Taken In Hand days.

The first time my husband spanked me when he was really angry with me about something, it was quite a shock to the system, I found that his anger and the vigour with which he wielded the paddle combined to produce in me a much stronger emotional reaction than I had ever felt before, tears came into my eyes (I normally never cry), though they soon dried up again. "Is this it?" I wondered briefly "Is this the non-erotic punishment spanking of which I have heard so much?" But in retrospect I realised that in fact it was by far the most arousing spanking I had ever received. Initially I felt rather guilty about this, I didn't think I should be getting such a thrill out of being spanked when I knew my husband was really pissed off with me, but eventually I adjusted to the fact that this was how it was for me. The more I feel he means it, the more ultimately satisfying it is for me.

From my personal experience, I would say that trying to make a spanking non-erotic is probably not going to work. I would think myself that the more rules and rituals you add the more erotic the whole thing is likely to become, since the more strongly controlled I feel the more aroused I tend to be, and rules and rituals are only going to add to that feeling. Having my hands tied would definitely make me panic too, but it would also rob me of the feeling of voluntary submission which I find an important feature of the process of being spanked. I do find that the more my husband talks to me while he is spanking me, tells me why I am being spanked, makes me tell him that I deserve it etc, the easier it is for me to submit, his words are as important in holding me in place as his hands are. But if he tied my hands, it would take away from me the obligation to submit, which is something I find very important.

I would say that you shouldn't worry too much about keeping 'erotic' and 'punishment' seperate. The two will probably always be mingled for you, and I think that is a good thing. Let them flow together, and don't bothe trying to part them. The main thing is, does spanking bring you and your husband closer together, does it make you both feel better, does it help you to be happier? I think this is what really matters.


I agree it's erotic

Thanks for this, the boss and Louise, I think your replies really helped to clear at least some of the muddle in my head...Of course I didn't mean to imply that disciplinary spanking could ever be purely non-erotic (or should be, for that matter). But it should be serious as opposed to spanking as a game.

My husband has always spanked me in order to arouse me (as well as himself) and of course he has sometimes said things to increase our arousal, pretending to be serious and to give me a spanking I 'deserved'. But we were both always aware that this was really just a game that was completely separate from our ordinary, everyday life and relationship. Now, after having done this for more than six years, how can you experience this 'game' as something real, something essential?

So far, I have had only one experience comparable to that related by Louise—when he was really angry and delivered the spanking immediately after our argument. At that moment I really felt anything but aroused; on the contrary, I was very upset and in tears as long as it lasted. And it wasn't even as hard and severe as some others before or after. But I felt this was serious. It was horrible at the moment it happened, but shortly after I felt completely happy, relieved and peaceful (I think we both did). We didn't have sex afterwards, but, similar to what Louise relates, this experience (purely non-erotic at the time) has by now turned into an absolutely erotic memory. So, yes, the boss, I agree: disciplinary spanking is very erotic, definitely so. And the more serious and real it is, the more erotic it becomes.

The problem is that most of the time my husband cannot spank me right away, at the moment of tension, because we have a little child who is, of course, mostly around. And, fortunately, since we began to transform our relationship into a Taken in Hand one, we haven't had so many serious fights anymore (clearly a sign that the overall effect is that we are indeed happier!). My husband gets annoyed mainly about what I would consider minor things that keep adding up and often the exact reason for the spanking is not even quite evident. Sometimes the spanking seems to be more of a 'maintenance' kind.

I think talking more, giving the reasons etc. would certainly help. He definitely spanks me longer, harder and more often; he even bought a leather paddle and a riding crop, so it's certainly not due to the wrong implements...I suggested that what he might do to make it more serious is to count and start counting from the beginning or give me extra strokes when my hands get in his way again—though I will probably regret having made this suggestion...


Funny, Dave used to count specific numbers of strokes when he was spanking me, but he stopped doing this some time ago, and I have found actually that the effect is to make it a more intense experience for me, my feeling of being utterly powerless is increased by not knowing when it's going to stop. Until recently he was still counting out the ten extra-hard whacks I used to get at the end of every spanking, but now he just gives me as many as he feels like, so I have no way of knowing the number, I just have to endure. This greatly adds to the suspence.

I do find that the more immediately I am spanked if I have annoyed him about something the more 'real' it feels. The occasions when he is too exasperated with me to wait until bedtime, and just orders me upstairs, are the occasions that I think about with the most satisfaction afterwards. Because his temper generally cools quite quickly, the longer we wait after the incident until I get spanked, the less likely he is to be still annoyed, which takes the edge off the excitement. Those "upstairs, now!" spankings are definitely the ones that make the most vivid impression on me.


Counting the Strokes

Louise, in fact I rather dislike counting the strokes—which is why I thought doing so might add to the punishment in the first place...On the other hand I think it's important that the spanking goes on for as long as my husband feels it should. If he's still angry, I prefer him to go on. That's also why I wish we could have more "Upstairs now" spankings the way you describe them...Then the purpose is, of course, not just punishment, but clearing the air!

Wendy, your account DOES sound erotic to me, I'm afraid, although I would definitely agree with Louise that five spankings a week would be preferable... ;-)