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Don't reject the returning prodigal son

Hey Y'all;

I'd like to tell a tale of an instance where the opportunity to have joy was missed.

After K and I married I wanted to do up a household budget; it was going to take both our incomes to make a go of it so we needed to pay attention to what we were doing.

K's response to my request to sit down together and do a budget was "We don't need a budget, God will provide, God has always provided."

Hoo boy, I'm going to have to fight God, this is going to be interesting.

Come here -- we're doing a budget.

"We don't need a budget, God will provide, God has always provided."

And a few more cycles of that ensued.

Okay, let's use God to fight God; maybe that will get me somewhere.

Hey, K, look, God himself says here, here, here, about wise stewardship. Not having a budget is decidedly not wise stewardship. Pick a time good for you when we can sit together and do a budget.

"We don't need a budget, God will provide, God has always provided."

After a year plus of fighting God, I said, screw it, a man will never overcome a God, total exercise in futility: I'm done bruising my head on the wall.

My income alone does not cover running the household and I can't spend her money. End of my effort, just don't care any more.

Some months later, K came to me and said, "Let's do a budget now."

My deeply wounded heart and spirit responded with, Ya know what, a year of rejection has killed my desire. Leave me alone, I'm busy.

Can you imagine how different the future would have been if I had responded with the joy of the father of the prodigal son? Hey, alright. Get the checkbook and I'll get some paper.

So much for that opportunity, I missed by a mile.

later,
Forrest

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A readers' forum post by southwestforests on Tue, 31/01/2012 - 23:51

#1 Sad, but not the end.

This made me a little sad, I am not religious at all, and therefore "We don't need a budget, God will provide, God has always provided." would not work for me.

We don't have a budget, but we definitely keep track of our spending. I have found this to be the only way we actually can afford something out of the ordinary.

I can really understand that you don't feel like doing this anymore, but this is your chance to step up, and say, ok, lets do this, the way you have wanted to. This, in my opinion is your chance to step up and take charge of the situation. And even though I am not religious, I don't think creating a budget will represent you against God. I mean, this is your household and if you want to do something, than, IMHO, you should step up and take charge, and do it!

Submitted by juylma on Wed, 01/02/2012 - 23:21.

#2 It's difficult

I can understand your frustration and difficulty expressing joy and easy acceptance at her new-found respect and decision to follow your year-old budget suggestion.

But, you are right. The bigger goal is the relationship, and the running smoothly of your household. I have felt the same way you have and acted less than honorable too because of hurt feelings. BUT, you can always change your mind, as I suspect you have regarding the budget. Use this opportunity for a springboard for a deeper discussion about your relationship, God's role in your marriage, each of your responsibilities of good stewardship and financial integrity and how standoffs like this should be dealt with in the future.

Submitted by Red on Thu, 02/02/2012 - 17:13.

#3 Re: prodigal wife

I think it is understandable that you were fed up with your wife after she refused to listen to you for so long. I hope it is not too late for you to patch things up.

But I think perhaps you should have been a bit more insistent in the first place. If you are both earning money, then it is entirely reasonable that your wife should be contributing to the running of the household. Perhaps a little more decisiveness on your part would have avoided you getting to this fed up stage.

Louise

Submitted by Louise C on Thu, 09/02/2012 - 15:37.

#4 I think...

That is what most men are struggling with though, to actively take charge of a situation. I think this is from being conditioned to be polite, hold doors, and generally make sure to never be rude to a woman.
Well, as a woman, I can tell you that I actually enjoy when my husband takes charge, and makes a decision. That is what attracted me to this link of relationship in the first place.

But my husband is still struggling with this, he still thinks he will hurt my feelings or be too bossy. I always tell him that I enjoy it when he cares enough to step in, and that as long as the decision is not a selfish one of his part, I know he will make the right decision for everybody involved. (I hope that makes sense.)

Submitted by juylma on Sat, 11/02/2012 - 02:11.

#5 What is best in these types of stone-walling situations...

... is to learn to be detached from outcome, and, at the same time, learn to hear what your wife was actually saying to you. It sounds to me like she was actually deeply afraid of a number of things involving money (not having enough; the rigors of making and sticking to a budget; taking responsibility for the realities of how little money there was or is, and probably many more we don't know about).

The point really comes down to two things: one, you cared too much about making this formalised budget plan with her conscious approval. In fact, you could easily have drawn up a budget on your own and said to her, without being attached to the outcome of how she would respond, "here is what we're doing; I cannot live without a proper budget, it makes me too nervous, and although you, at this moment, refuse to acknowledge my concerns, I know what's best for us."

She could have agreed or disagreed, but at least your concerns would have been aired, instead of going and sitting inside of you to be ignored by both of you, where they could do the most damage, as your feelings festered and turned sour. There was never any need for any of that, but you didn't know that at the time.

Now, on her own, she has realised (and possibly worked through a lot of her own issues along the way) that in fact, no marriage can sensibly survive without a budget. That's like building a house without any concern for its structure.

However, you are still holding on to outcome, because of your attachment to your sense of what's right and wrong. I urge you to learn how to let go of your resentments, for they will always trip you up. :-)

Just make the budget, give it to her, and both of you learn to follow it. These things are very, very basic, but someone must take charge of them, and that someone should be the one for whom the thing is absolutely crucial. Her stonewalling tactics should be ignored when it comes to issues as crucial and basic as this. This is about survival, not someone's feelings getting hurt.

Submitted by pericles on Wed, 22/02/2012 - 00:41.

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