Dealing With Oppositional Female Peer Pressure
Today I read an article about being a "stay-at-home-girlfriend" that elicited a lot of negative responses in the reader comments section. One person even wrote that they felt "dumber" and "nauseous" for having read the article. In the post, the writer talks about dealing with being unemployed (she says she used to have a "corporate" job for four years), while living with her employed boyfriend. She indicates that she now cooks, cleans, and waits on her boyfriend when he comes home -- basically following a "Stepfordish" lifestyle because she enjoys it and it keeps her feeling sane while she's at home all day looking for work.
Personally, I didn't see anything wrong with this. While the couple are not married, they are in a long-term relationship and living together. The writer indicates that she's always "been really into keeping her boyfriend happy," but now she just looks at it as a full-time experience. Clearly the couple is happy with this arrangement. Why is everyone else so unhappy about her being happy?
I can think of a few obvious reasons -- namely that society has progressively taught women that traditional roles are wrong. But seeing hateful comments on this article still shocked me and upset me. Why is it wrong to be an intelligent woman, but also enjoy cooking/cleaning/being sexually available to your husband (the things this author talks about enjoying and doing for her boyfriend)? Why can't a woman have both worlds?
I work in a male-dominated field, and the woman are very angry about it -- using every opportunity to voice their negative opinions about men having any kind of control over a woman. I find it hard to manage my emotions amongst them without revealing all the gory details of my personal life -- which I don't want to do. I'm a very private person. Yet I get so shaken up by their hateful reactions to things, and almost feel like it's my duty to speak up for other woman like me who are bright and driven, but want a man to be in charge and don't mind waiting on him hand and foot.
How do you deal with these feelings amongst your peer groups? Do you ever express yourself while others start barking about equal rights? Or do you just keep quiet and let it glide off of you?
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#1 Dealing with negativity
This kind of negativity doesn't upset me, it just makes me feel sorry for the women who are saying all that stuff. I see such women's bitterness and deep unhappiness, and feel terribly sorry for them, because they have so much to learn before they will be able to have the kind of truly happy, fulfilled and productive life I myself have with my husband. People we meet often mistake my husband and me for newlyweds.
Some women are genuinely most happy and productive if they remain single for life. Others need to be in an 'equal' relationship. When I come across a woman who has a genuine, non-hate-filled philosophical objection to the idea of a wife choosing to stay home, or to the idea of a takeninhand marriage (and those two things are not identical -- many takeninhand wives have high-powered careers outside the home) I sometimes enjoy a friendly argument; other times I just smile and get on with my private life. Never do I feel obliged to expose myself by revealing the details of my life to others. That, I think, would be both exhausting and stressful.
If such comments make you feel bad, I would not get into an argument, and certainly don't feel in any way obliged to make your private life public. This is very private for many of us.
The negative women who are protesting too much, as it were, are not going to suddenly see the light if you tell them about your life. You can't help them by revealing yourself to them. Unfortunately for them, it is unlikely to be that easy for them to change their negative thinking. Indeed, many women here have been those women in the past.
Some takeninhand women regret not having discovered takeninahnd earlier in their lives, but others will tell you that takeninhand would have been wrong for them until later in their lives. Some need to develop their psychological autonomy for many years or decades before they are ready for a takeninahnd marriage. So when you hear the kind of negativity you describe, try thinking to yourself that these women are on their own personal journey of life, and that one day they may no longer agree with what they are saying now.
If such conversations did not upset you, I would suggest you enjoy a gentle, friendly philosophical argument, staying away from mentioning your life and instead arguing the case more generally, but since you seem to find it upsetting, that is obviously not a good idea.
What is the cause of your feeling upset, do you think? Could it be a tiny part of you fears that they might be right? If so, you will feel better as you develop more confidence in your takeninhand life and integrate the ideas more. Do their comments make you feel lonely? If so, being part of the takeninhand community on this web site may well help.
If you were not married, I would guess that what might be disturbing you could be that you really need the full commitment of marriage. Marriage is not fashionable but many women do in fact need it, and everything falls into place only when they are actually married. A takeninhand relationship requires the full commitment of marriage. Without that, there is a lack of necessary investment in the relationship, which hobbles the relationship and prevents the growth and development that is its lifeblood.
#2 Thank You for the Advice
Thanks Sarah, you raise a lot of good points and give me a few things to think about.
I'm pretty positive that I don't fear their comments are right, but I think you might be onto something with the lonely aspect. I often sit and talk in groups of women and feel like I'm the odd one out, because of my feelings about relationships. I did join the group to help ease some of that, and express myself freely (I'm thankful this site exists!).
Thanks again for helping to put a positive spin on things.
#3 They want it too...
That kind of reaction only comes from provoking strong feelings. I think the ones that get really up in arms about this kind of thing are in denial about their own desire to live like that. They can't or won't admit they want it because they don't believe they can have it, or they are aware of their desire for that but jealous.
If they were comfortable with their own career filled life, then a stay at home wife or girlfriend is just one less person at the office to compete against.
#4 The negative women (...) are protesting too much
that says it all. They are protesting too much. They are often envious, because of their own situation, that's it.
The best is, so it seems to me, to let them alone in their misery.
#5 Peer Pressure
I don't really have a peer group, so it doesn't bother me much. I have a few friends, but none of them have ever made any negative comments about me being a housewife. I don't really talk to them about the more personal details.
I don't however equate being a housewife with being submissive, or waiting on a man hand and foot. I am a housewife, but I don't wait on my husband hand and foot, he is much too independent to want me to do that anyway. And I know housewives who aren't submissive at all. And career women who are.
Louise
#6 How about male peer Pressure
I don't want to hijack this thread but I didn't think it was worthwhile starting another.
It is not just working women who don't get Taken In Hand.
One day John asked Rick if his wife ever called him an *ssh*le. He replied all of the time and laughed.
John was bragging one day about having to take down all of his NASCAR posters from the wall before his wife's family came down because "they were good people". Some of the guys in the group were very supportive. The rest of us just kept quiet. It was hard for me not to say I would not allow myself to be abused like that.
John always complains about his first wife. My guess is she didn't want a doormat for a husband.
You might not have an understanding group at work but at least you have a support group here. The unfortunate fact is saying something at work will cause you more grief than it is worth.
#7 Abuse?
I think that's a little strong, isn't it? To be asked to make a concession for someone you live with, are married to, have vowed to share the rest of your long life with, and supposedly love, hardly constitutes "abuse."
Now, if one's ego can't handle making these small concessions, I get it, even if I don't actually understand it logically, but it seems fairly juvenile to fret over something as adolescent to begin with as a Nascar affiliation expression through posters. I mean, come on—posters ?? The last posters I saw were in the bedrooms of 14 year olds.
In communal spaces that everyone is forced to cohabit, it is polite for everyone to like what they are forced to look at, not just one person getting to express themselves at the expense of everyone else's taste and good sense. That's what your own room is for; this is why men get the garage and women get the kitchen under these circumstances, when their tastes simply do not mesh and neither is willing to compromise.
Grow up, please. Your wives will thank you for it.
#8 50/50 isn't best.
I think a lot of women need to know there is something much sweeter than a 50/50 relationship - it's a 100/100 relationship. There is nothing better than a woman who gives it all paired up with a man who worships the ground she kneels on, cherishing the air she breathes, I think humour is always the best way to convey this though; joking about loving a firm man who likes to get to the heart of my bottom from the bottom of his heart, raises a few eyebrows but it gets some giggles too.
#9 True friends
Women who are your true friends will not judge and the others are not worth worrying about. My friends know I am a strong woman with views on most topics but that I also treat my man as my master. I think at first they thought I must be joking but now they know I'm not.
My husband is seen to be a caring man who worships me and does many things for me so they think I am the lucky one.