Fierce women

I was watching a woman last night, in a restaurant with her husband and 2 children, one a tiny baby, the other a little girl about 5. They were a young couple, I would say in their late 20's. I saw the mother had already "changed" into her role from the girl he had married. The husband, for the most part, seemed connected to his family, children, and wife. She, on the other hand, had taken up the mantle of "mother", and didn't seem to connect to her husband as a woman.

This was just one little snippet out of their day, so it would be hard to say this is how they live their everyday lives. But I have seen this, as a wife and mother myself. Women become fierce. They have to, for the most part. If they are stay at home mothers, they are mostly responsible for what their children do all day. The bulk of parenthood falls to them, and when school starts, if you are not standing up for your child, worrying, guiding, prodding, they flounder. So when your husband gets home, you are or have already, fought battles for your children all day. Taken on the role of head of the household, even if that's not who you are or want to be. You HAVE to do it.

I am a woman, in my core, who wants to be controlled, in my heart of hearts. And when this role was handed to me, to be "mother", I changed. Not inside, not ever. Add to the fact that I had a child with not clearly visible special needs. But that is another story. What I am trying, probably not very well, to say is....this can and does happen to most women. Thrust into making most of the daily decisions, the safety of having a man who is head of the household vanishes. At least for me.

For a woman who needs a Taken In Hand marriage/life relationship being a mother is a hard role to put away when he comes through the door at the end of the day. How easy is it to just carry on as you have all day. Order the kids around, order the husband around. Even if the husband started out as the head of the household, unless he is very strong, and takes charge, she will run right over him. And as years go by, how easy is it for him to give in, to let her run everything, shutting themselves off to one another. The girl he married, gone, swallowed up by responsibilities, work (both in the home and in the outside world).

She now feels alone. No one to catch her should she stumble, everyone looks to her for answers, for their day to day existence. When all she wants is to look up to her husband, have him lead, and for me, to be controlled by him. Joyfully, as a woman. To look in the mirror and still see "female", not some vague creature I don't recognize. I figure I have gotten off the main track here, and slid into describing my life. I am sorry. I hope, I got my point across anyway. As Scarlet said "Tomorrow IS another day." Hope springs eternal.

Hane (Patricia)

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2008 Sep 15 - 10:41 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

"how easy is it for him to gi

how easy is it for him to give in, to let her run everything,

That phrase says it all to me. It's not you in the wrong here. He should be stepping up and taking control instead of sitting back and letting you run things. You're running things because, like you said, you have to. Someone has to.

He shouldn't relinquish so much control to you. He should man up and take it back, let you lean on him, instead of him leaning on you to run his life for him.

The man has to be in charge, but he has to PUT himself in charge instead of just playacting or thinking that he'll be in charge without proving himself and being worthy of being the leader.

by Alita on 2008 Sep 15 - 15:23 | reply to this comment

and now it's gone

...after over 25 years we are both just waiting for all the dust to settle to go our separate ways. Armed with new knowledge about myself, and with a joyful, optimistic, outlook on life I will find him, the man I can and will make happy just by being who I really am. The yin to my yang, the hand for my glove, my partner, he leads, I follow. It won't happen overnight: as many wise people have said here, every relationship is a work in progress. But you have to start with the right raw materials, can't make a cake out of chopped meat. The joy is in the journey to learning about one another, like opening a Christmas present ever day, if you're lucky, for the rest of your lives together.

Patricia

by Hane on 2008 Sep 16 - 14:57 | reply to this comment

Fierce women.

Patricia

I very much agree with what you had to say here. Many women have a great deal of steel to them that time and troubles seem to temper. It also seems that those same women make wonderful partners in life if they find a man that isn't taken back by such a strong woman. I have always been turned on by such a woman even though they can be such a pain sometimes. With my wife it started out as a constant power struggle but with time it has worked into a very comfortable power exchange in which I am in control of my wife but I am also confident enough to let her take control if she has a better way of dealing with a problem. My wife is a very strong and wonderful person who seems to come to life when she gets the oppurtunity to be the woman that she really is.

Respectfully,LA

"His are the chains that bind me, forever nearer to his heart"

by 2peasinapod3006 on 2008 Sep 18 - 16:22 | reply to this comment

I totally understand

My wife and I had a similar situation to the one you described. She is a strong willed woman who wants me to be in charge but felt she had to be the decision maker for a lot of reasons.

[For the rest of this comment see How we moved from conflict to my leadership. - The Editor]

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 Sep 28 - 18:08 | reply to this comment

A Mother and a Wife

Hane,
I am a mother of 7 and very much a taken in hand wife. I also now work outside the home. Although my husband and I share responsibilities of the raising our children, he is the head of the household.

When I did stay home, I was more 'in charge' of our kids, I did most of the running around with them - doctor's appointments, music lessons, etc.

But when my husband came in the door, I had no problem being both wife and mother. I chose to be his wife and he chose to be my husband. We both remember that daily & try to remember how blessed we are.

It would not work in my house if I attempted to boss my husband around. He is the king of "control" - in a loving sort of way - LOL. He simply does not allow it. He can now just give me a look to let me know I am crossing the line and I melt and move back (ususally).

Yet, I must admit his active control has the ability to spark sexual energy between us so sometimes when I want sex in a certain way, but don't want to say it, I move towards the line enough to make him annoyed and he'll remind me to move back - and that night sex will be boiling hot. OK- Sorry that was off topic!;-)

Anyway, being a mother and a woman are not a problem for us. And I think it is because S is in charge and I know it. We handle the children together so there is more time for S to be himself and me to be myself. And I love being a mother and a wife.

I think if the married you is getting lost in the mommy you, then it is probably because you are doing too much and are overwhelmed. Talk to your husband. Perhaps he will help. And if he does, it will free you up to find the married you. Good luck!

by M- on 2008 Oct 5 - 15:34 | reply to this comment

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