Exercise authority

Exercise authority

Dynomite's husband spanked her hard and fast for something that did not merit a severe punishment. In her words,

I told him of my thoughts of it feeling a little staged. He felt like this was something that we needed to get past. If he waited for a fight we'd be waiting forever as we get along very well.

Sometimes the relationship itself needs the spanking, either to establish the husband's authority (as in their case) or to defuse other issues that linger between the couple.

That is one of the reasons that fairness should be secondary in a Taken in Hand relationship. The primary concerns should be things like authority, leadership and caring.

By being deliberately unfair, Dynomite's husband was able to establish the authority that she needed and begin to clear the air of uncertainty between them.

That's not to say that fairness is unimportant, just that fairness can and should be set aside now and then.

Don't wait for a fight or argument or serious misbehavior. If she needs to be disciplined, do it. Taken in Hand is not a justice system, it is a relationship.

There does not need to be a balance between specific misbehavior and warranted punishment. Sometimes you just know what needs to be done and you do it, for no reason other than “because I said so”.

Some couples use maintenance spankings and these can serve the purpose. If you don't like the idea of a completely unwarranted spanking, you can punish hard for something small. There are always small things that need correcting.

If you read Dynomite's post, you will see that despite the staged nature of the spanking and the unfair harshness of the punishment, she felt good about it.

Authority does not require perfection, but it does require exercise.

CarlF

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Comments

Because I said so

Yes, but if it's 'because I said so' why does he need to use some trivial offense as an excuse? why can't he just do it 'because I said so'. Unless he is genuinely annoyed by the trivial offense, of course. The things that annoy my husband most are often quite trivial, but his annoyance is genuine.

I have no problem with being spanked for things that I consider trivial but my husband doesn't, but I wouldn't much care for him pretending to be more annoyed about something than he actually was, just to give him an excuse to spank me. That would make it seem unreal to me.

Louise

General

He should do it because he wants to and because it's good sexual fun for him, whether she enjoys it or not but then I'm not into punishment for its own sake anyway unless both sides know it's just a game and then it feels fake and silly anyway.

I agree that in any relationship whether Taken In Hand or not you need to take a long view and an overview rather than counting out hour by hour the fairness of whatever is done in that last hour...within reason. Keeping the peace by always accepting someone's misconduct which perhaps I did in my marriage is may be foolish.

Pretending to be annoyed

Louise wrote:

I have no problem with being spanked for things that I consider trivial but my husband doesn't, but I wouldn't much care for him pretending to be more annoyed about something than he actually was, just to give him an excuse to spank me. That would make it seem unreal to me.

I agree with you, Louise. I did point out to my husband the other day that it seemed as though he were searching for slip ups so that he could punish me for them. To this he replied, "I don't need a reason."

As CarlF notes, this is very true; especially in the beginning stages. We are only three weeks into our Taken in Hand relationship. I had been struggling with whether or not he actually had it in him to discipline me, as this has never been an element in our relationship before (notice I said 'had'! :)).

I have been disciplined twice now. The first felt very staged. The second time he was a lot more calm, but I still wondered if he was 'truely' annoyed or just needed to spank me. Either way it was effective.

I feel it is important for him to have free reign on this issue so that he can find his style. We do talk about it & he reads all of my discussions & other articles on this site.

My point is that in order for him to become an effective leader in our relationship, he has to go through some growing pains. I have to allow him trial & error so that he can find his way. Yes, it may seem a little fake or staged at the moment, but he has never taken on this role before. And at this point, it is ultimately more important for him to focus on establishing authority however he sees fit.

Now, with that being said; if I were to fast forward a few months from now, I would expect things to be quite different. I'm sure he will feel more comfortable in his role & he won't need to find an excuse to spank me. At least that is my will.

Dynomite

Hi Dynomite. Congratulations

Hi Dynomite. Congratulations on your new experiences.

A Taken In Hand relationship does need time to evolve. It reads as though you and he have great communication and are working together nicely.

In the beginning of our (my man & me) Taken In Hand relationship I was consumed with thoughts about fairness in relation to discipline and I didn't think that a grown woman should be spanked much less disciplined anyway. It is my man who insisted on this and how we crossed our hurdle was/is to spank for connection. He spanks me whenever he wants and most often for connection! The spanking is not different in regards to delivery but just in context as I really am uncomfortable with being spanked for doing something wrong. It is much easier for me to wrap my head around the connection factor!

I have been spanked in a disciplinary way but it has only happened on occasion and it was used to squelch an argument we lost control of. This is where I agree with Carl that it is because he says so--his trump card-- so to speak! He acknowledges that it is not fair but he is going to do it anyway! And Carl is also correct that it is at these times where his authority is most established because I don't want to submit to him, but he makes me!

Spanking using this method for us takes the pretend out of it and we live in reality which is the only way that for us this can work. We are grown adults and pretend feels childish and I cannot get swept away in that.

Best Wishes,

Precious Baby

re: Pretending to be annoyed

I have to agree with you during my first couple of discipline sessions I felt it was very staged. As we continued with discipline I found the consistancy my husband uses very effective. When we go through the same process every time I know what's coming and what to expect so it gives me more attention to the actual spanking and why my husband is upset with me in the first place.

Give the Guy a Break

Louise C asked:

if it's 'because I said so' why does he need to use some trivial offense as an excuse? why can't he just do it 'because I said so'.

Dynomite's husband is new to Taken in Hand. The concept of spanking a woman—taking authority over her—is extremely difficult. It goes against the grain of right and wrong that many of us have lived with for most of our lives.

A man can't go from "hitting women is wrong" to spanking his wife "because I said so" overnight. Some of us can't let go of the idea of fairness and equality in one step.

Besides that, he didn't know how she was going to react.

What he did was to take a small, deliberate step. Spanking harder than an infraction warrants is less drastic than spanking for no infraction at all.

Let's not judge the guy's actions based on the standard of Louise's husband—who has been at this for a number of years.

In fact, let's hold off on judging him at all and applaud him for taking a first, wobbling, unsure step in the right direction; a step that his wife was very comfortable with.

"... why does he need a trivial excuse ... ?" Because he needs to hold on to the firm ground of fairness; to blend authority into his morality and become comfortable with it. Also, he knew that his wife could accept it in that format.

Giving breaks

My comment was in response to your article rather than Dynomite's comment. Anyway, I can't imagine dynomite's husband would give a damn what I, a mere woman, thought, why should he? You said it was okay to punish hard for a small offense, I just wondered why not just spank her anyway, if that's what you want to do? If you just want to spank her and don't have any particular reason, why not just do it because you want to? If my comment came across as judgmental I can't help that, I don't let the 'J' word frighten me any more.

Louise

He needs an excuse

May be he just needs an excuse to do it at first. Loads of couples have spanking as part of their erotic play though and it's nothing to do with someone having done something wrong.

Anyway I just never get this punishment thing at all. For me it makes me feel someone's power over me. It's about pleasing him because he wants to do it and for me to be put in a place where I have done wrong is just so upsetting. I want to please and not having pleased is punishment enough without any kind of faux discipline or even real physical discipline/punishment.

From "don't hit women" to "because I said so"

Very well said, CarlF.

My husband & I had a long discussion about this issue last night. He is definately struggling with how often, when & for what. He has needed a reason to punish me because he has great respect for women. Like CarlF said, it's not easy to go from a belief that you should never hit a woman to spanking me "because I said so." In his mind he felt he needed to have a reason & actually had to mentally prepare himself for the task.

We both have decided that being disciplined for small infractions is not working for us. We just don't get annoyed with each other over minor things. So, being punished for them does seem fake. But you never know until you try. I think that's the most important thing here.

I think we're going to try maintenance spankings. We feel that they may well serve the purpose of maintaining his authority. If we wait 6-8 months for an argument or a major irritation, then his authority and control may fade in my eyes.

Louise said,

"...I can't imagine dynomite's husband would give a damn what I, a mere woman, thought, why should he?"

True, he doesn't have to give a damn about what you or anyone else here thinks. But it's not because you're a "mere woman." It's because you don't know us or the dynamics of our relationship. Like I said before, he has great respect for women. That's why this (spanking "because I said so")is a difficult step for him. Maybe after he is as 'seasoned' as your husband is it may come easier for him.

We didn't take offense to your comment. Well, it may have rubbed him the wrong way at first. But I happened to agree with you and it sparked a deep conversation between us. We welcome different views & respect each one. This helps us to look at things from all angles & find what is right for us.

Thank you to everyone for your input.

Dynomite

comment on Louise C on May 9

This site intrigued me, until I see "a mere woman"....what does that mean. Are women lesser than? Are we stupid? None of our thoughts count? Hmmmm. Very troubling. Maybe this site isn't so good after all. Just a men's club of we- are-superior ilk. Very offensive.

If you're truly intrigued kee

If you're truly intrigued keep looking around. I think you'll find you like it here. I don't think any woman here feels like a "mere woman." After reading as many of Louise's posts as I have I don't think she considers herself to be a "mere woman." It can be hard to interpret the true meaning of things posted on websites with no use of facial expression etc. Stick around. You may like it here.

Mere women

Well, I was actually being sarcastic when I used the phrase 'mere woman'. I don't think many people on here actually believe that women are lesser beings. I was simply irritated by the fact that, having expressed a purely personal opinion, I am told that I am being 'judgmental'. My point was that I can't imagine that anyone would really care what I feel about this subject. I just said what my own personal preference would be in this situation. I don't expect everyone else to feel the same way.

It's extremely unlikely to arise in my case, since my husband seldom seems to be short of things he wants to give me a good walloping for. If there isn't anything in particular though (a rare occurence) he tends to spank me anyway "just to remind you who's master" as he puts it. Does he think women are lesser beings? I don't think so, though I'm not always entirely sure what he really thinks about everything. But in any case, the fact that I feel a certain way about being spanked doesn't mean anyone else has to feel the same way. It's just how I feel, and then I get the 'J' word thrown at me, and I wonder why these confident Alpha males can't cope with a woman expressing an opinion about her own personal taste.

I was in a very bad mood when I wrote that comment anyway, having been without any discipline of any kind for over three weeks. However, my husband made up for it over the past couple of days, so I'm feeling comparatively cheerful at the moment. He's gone again now though so it won't last.

Louise

Lesser beings

Well, my husband is, like a lot of people, capable of expressing highly contradictory opinions about many things, women being one of the things he expresses such opinions about.

On the subject of women drivers, for instance, he is always highly disparaging, yet he has said that if I learn to drive, he'll get the car insurance changed so that I can drive it when he's not using it (which is quite a lot of the time).

He is, like me, inclined to be flippant rather than serious a lot of the time in the opinions he express, and I cannot alway sort out exactly what he thinks about everything.

He is at times capable of expressing highly disparaging opinion regarding my intelligence, competence, and level of sanity, yet he loves me to distraction and will do just about anything for me.

I actually find this degree of uncertainty about what he really thinks quite interesting, his opinions are unpredictable, and I like that in a man. It keeps me interested, and I am a person who gets bored very easily.

Louise

Yes!

I totally agree! My husband and I are only two weeks into a Taken In Hand relationship and my husband is still learning as well! He isn't really sure how to go about this, though he really wants it! We went from me always fighting him for the top, to me suggesting that hetake control. At the same time I suggested punishment spankings and this is hard for him because I already liked them for sex! He is slowly learning that punishment spankings and sex can successfully be combined, and I predict that in time it will come together!

If that's what you think is needed

If he thinks that she needs to be put in her place, that's fine. I feel though that if she is already comfortable in her place and has no desire to change that, why push it. Why move her when she is already where she needs to be is my view? Ultimately, it's up to him to decide if she is where she needs to be.

Knowing when

My wife has a subtle way of letting me know when she needs a spanking. Most of the time she doesn't even realize she is doing it. Being a southern girl she calls it picking but I just call it being a brat. You see she will say something so outlandish such as just an example.
We were shopping the other day after I had gone to the hospital for some tests just relaxing having fun. When we got to the register I realized she had my wallet in her purse and asked it back from her. She got this mischievious grin on her face and said No the doctors at the hospital said she wasnt to give it to me and that I was only on a day trip and not to make a scene. Then she grasped my arm and showed the hospital arm band to the cashier. Then asked if I needed my medicine. See it was all fun but her way of letting me know it was time for her spanking. So enjoy the journey and you both will find that something which is your way as we have .

Fairness

Fairness used to be such an issue for me. I think for me it was giving up my part of the control over the relationship to him. I didn't want to be spanked unless I did something wrong and it had to be something we agreed upon. I'm learning now that spanking isn't about what I want. It's about what we need. My fiancé spanks me now whenever he feels like it. Whether it's climbing out of the shower, walking up the stairs, washing dishes or sitting on the couch watching a movie. In fact, it's there in my mind so much that I find myself watching what I say and do a little more now.

For example, yesterday I forgot all my jewelry when I left the house. My necklace, watch and worst of all my engagement ring. I do this sometimes and it drives my fiancé crazy. Usually, I'd not point it out to him and if he did see just say, "Oops! I was rushing. No big deal." Yesterday however, I was a half an hour away from the house when I realized I forgot it. I contemplated turning around to get it because I knew he'd be upset. When I arrived at my parent's where I was meeting him the first thing I said was, "Honey, I left the house with any of my jewelry. I'm really sorry. I'll put my jewelry right next to my purse from now on so I don't forget it." He nodded and that was it.

When we got home he whacked me good walking up the stairs and disciplined me in another way later on, which I can’t really say. I found myself wondering if that was for forgetting my ring. Then I told myself whether for forgetting the ring or not he felt like spanking/punishing me so he did.

I'm glad that my fiancé is getting more comfortable with spanking me when he feels like it. It's a constant reminder of his authority.

Maintaining your relationship

The idea of maintance spankings may appear on the surface to not make a lot of sense, but my significant other and I have found them very useful.

Much in the same way we used to schedule dates for a specific time, we now have a regularly scheduled session every Sunday night. The purpose is to help me clear my mind for the week ahead. Prior to the spanking, I go to our bedroom, remove all clothing and await the moment. During that time, I think about my goals for the week. What am I looking to accomplish from a work perspetive? What are my goals for weightloss? etc.

When my husband arrives, we converse about my upcoming goals. I also report in on how I had performed the prior week and, based on where I've been and where I'm going, I receive a very structured form of discipline, usually administered upon my bare bottom.

I have found this form of attention quite useful on many levels. It provides focus, release and sexual excitment. That feeling continues into Monday. It is truly delicious.