It has been difficult for me to accept that something can be erotic and beneficial at the same time, and that an activity I enjoy more than my wife can be something both of us want, and is good for both of us. I'd like to say that I changed overnight once we started, but it's been a process and I frequently find myself hesitating to pronounce or do something plainly good for our marriage because I want to do it—literally because I want to I don't do it! That is not chivalry, it's madness, and it leads to strange circular reasoning if it's not checked.
I try to keep in mind these keys:
1. Eros can be everywhere in our marriage. It doesn't have to only be in bed or on a fun date. Eros is much more powerful when it grows and recedes instead of constantly being extinguished and rekindled. And, eros thrives on long-term investments in the marriage that sometimes only seem erotic in hindsight. For example, we can get a high for days off of a home repair project, but I find home repair unpleasant.
2. Eros grows because of action and reaction. Even a stupid action is more attractive to my wife than passivity (to a degree, of course). That means that even if I did decide to selfishly spank my wife to get a kick out of it, at least I did something. I can always learn from the experience and correct myself later. There's a worst case scenario and it's not too bad (keep in mind this is within the context of a Taken in Hand marriage.)
3. If I am too excited about doing something to the point where I'm afraid to do it, it's probably a sign that I've let it go to fantasy land and I need to have some real contact with my wife. A constantly nourished Taken in Hand marriage keeps the fantasy alive through real, everyday actions. Husbands and wives gain personal experience unique to the marriage to understand what is truly enjoyable and beneficial to do. It's such a gift to literally live out a fantasy and have it be even more satisfying in real life to the point where the fantasy seems quite contrived.
4. It's okay to begin with the erotic and proceed to the more generally beneficial. Similarly to how erotic desire in marriage is necessary and is an effective kindling of lasting love, the desire for certain elements of a Taken in Hand marriage is an effective kindling of real adoption of healthy roles in marriage. In many cases it is the only entrance into them. And again, it's okay to enjoy every part of marriage!
5. This one's a bit different. I've learned that our marriage really benefits from our spending time doing physical things, activities with our separate friends, family activities, etc. I wouldn't do well if I and my wife spent all of our time together. I really find that interacting with others and especially hugging/playing sports with others, and having tactile contact with nature, gives us an instinctive sense of how to balance our expression of Taken in Hand with other forms of touch and other activities. I have gotten a great deal out of TakenInHand.com, but at some point I can do more for my marriage by having a beer with a friend or wrestling with my children in the back yard.