Entitled to all of her husband

Entitled to all of her husband

In retrospect, I've learned that my wife's desire to be taken in hand was driven by something she saw in my business relationships.

That something was my use of power. She was seeing me use emotional strength, in various forms, to get people to do things that I needed them to do. She was seeing me be a leader.

Yet, she was rarely—if ever—on the receiving end of that experience. That's not too surprising, since one's relationship with one's wife is very different from that with an employee, customer, supplier or other business associate.

On a day to day basis, a business owner, or company president, needs to get people to do things that they don't want to do. Employees and other suppliers want to get paid more for doing less. Customers want to pay less and get more for their money. Everyone wants to do things at a time of their own choosing.

The primary job of a leader is to compromise and negotiate all of those desires and focus them on the goal of the business. Sometimes compromise can be achieved though creativity (the famous win/win situation) but the problems that end up on a leader's desk are more often the ones that can't be resolved that way.

If they could have been resolved easily, they wouldn't have ended up on my desk.

Elle often saw me, or heard me, tell people to do things, or force them to make choices they didn't want to make, or apply pressure, or imply what would happen if they didn't do something.

Of course, there are a lot of other things that I do in my business, but Elle didn't find most of those other things erotic. She did find it erotic to see me compel people to action. It made her heart flutter to see me use power on other people.

She wanted that part of me, and I almost never gave it to her.

Of course I didn't. My wife isn't an employee. I'm not paying her to be my wife. She isn't a supplier or customer with whom I'm trying to negotiate a contract. I didn't see it as my right to direct her to do things, nor did I feel it was fair to pressure her to accept things she didn't want to accept.

In our marriage, my wife was my true partner, my true equal, and not someone on whom I would use power. If I asked her to do something that she didn't want to do, I might influence her, compromise with her, entice her or even seduce her.

However, compelling her to do things was, to me, not only morally wrong, it was offensive. Why would the love of my life expect or even want me to use power or emotional force or strength on her?

The answer is in the nature of womanhood. You can find plenty of articles on this site written by women telling all about their desire to experience their husbands' strength and power. In fact, reading those articles over the past few years helped me to discover and understand that desire in my wife.

Still, that explains only her desire for my strength. It doesn't answer the moral questions: What right do I have to use that power on her? If I use my power on her, am I not taking advantage of her? Even if it satisfies her desire, do I have the right to do it?

No, it isn't necessary to trot out scripture or any other moral authority that says a husband has primacy over his wife. There is a much simpler answer—one that does not require women to submit to their husbands.

The simpler answer—and, to me, the more satisfying answer—is in my wife's right or entitlement to all of me. My leadership, my ability to use power and my strength are all part of me, and it all belongs to her.

We vowed, among other things, to share all that is to come. We promised to give our whole selves to each other, and if my wife sees something in me that she likes, she is entitled to have it.

She once asked, “Why won't you do that to me? Why won't you argue with me? Why won't you get angry with me?” At other times it's been, “Why won't you make me do things?” or the more central question, “Why can't I have that part of you?”

In my mind, the only reason anyone would put up with that part of me was because they were getting paid to, or because they wanted something from me and were willing to struggle with me to get it. It never occurred to me that someone might actually want that side of me just for the pleasure of it.

But once I understood her desire to feel my strength, and to have it used on her, I could not deny it to her.

It is part of me, I am her husband, and she is entitled to all of her husband.

CarlF

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Comments

Why make life more complicated than it is already?

I am always very astonished about the urge to justify one's actions, or even one's desires, when those desires/actions don’t fit neatly into the mainstream.

Leaving my early twenties behind, my principles, concerning the interaction of two human beings, were reduced to only one basic principle: Everything is ok that two sane, grown up people want to do, as long as they are both acting according to their free will.
Well, that cuts out children, dependents (such as women living in a fundamentalist, fanatical, religious environment) and people with mental disturbances due to whatsever reason (illness, drugs, etc).

Looking at a male/female relationship with this principle in mind, it would put much more violence and humiliation on a very prudish wife, if she has to perform an oral service to her husband—although this is quite accepted by society at large—than giving a Taken In Hand woman a severe spanking…

There are so few truly dominant men around; and if these adorable beings hold back their most wanted and welcomed “gifts”, because they have to overcome intellectual and moral hurdles, in order to be able to give to me what I deeply need and what I am most intensely are longing for, well, what’s left? Giving up altogether? Losing hope for good?

Lucky her

Lucky her. She needs it and you want to give it.

J, never give up. There are truly dominant men—just look harder.

Also I think it's perfectly right men don't dominate all the time (or women for that matter where they are inherently sexually dominant) because a lot of people are not into this and it's morally wrong in my view to impose dominance on a partner who isn't into that kind of thing.

Because life is complicated

I am always very astonished about the urge to justify one's actions, or even one's desires, when those desires/actions don’t fit neatly into the mainstream.

For me, at least, this has nothing to do with the mainstream. I care very little about how society thinks I should relate to my wife.

For me, the equality of men and women is a deeply held belief, not a matter of the trivial desires of society.

Leaving my early twenties behind, my principles, concerning the interaction of two human beings, were reduced to only one basic principle: Everything is ok that two sane, grown up people want to do, as long as they are both acting according to their free will.

Ah, and there's the rub. What happens when the two people no longer want the same thing?

When I met and married my wife, she was a feminist. Our marriage was built on a foundation of equality. It was enshrined in our marriage vows and symbolically represented in our wedding ceremony. We walked down the aisle together. Our parents "gave these two to be married to each other".

When my wife's needs changed, when she began to desire me as a leader, my "free will" was confronted by something I neither wanted nor needed. I seriously considered refusing her desire and insisting on our relationship of equals. However, her need to be led came from a deeper place inside her than my need for equality.

Mine was a belief that could be wrestled with. Hers was a primal need—a hunger that needed to be satisfied. And beside which, I love her and want to make her happy.

Looking at a male/female relationship with this principle in mind, it would put much more violence and humiliation on a very prudish wife, if she has to perform an oral service to her husband—although this is quite accepted by society at large—than giving a Taken In Hand woman a severe spanking…

Before the change in our relationship, if I had asked my wife to do something like "oral service", she might have said "yes" or "no" depending on her mood. I would have respected her mood, or perhaps tried to change it (seduction being a very powerful thing in that regard).

Now, instead of asking her, I sometimes tell her. When I do, as enjoyable as it is for both of us, it feels like I am taking advantage of her. In fact, the "taking of advantage" is the part that is most satisfying for her.

There are so few truly dominant men around; and if these adorable beings hold back their most wanted and welcomed “gifts”, because they have to overcome intellectual and moral hurdles, in order to be able to give to me what I deeply need and what I am most intensely are longing for, well, what’s left? Giving up altogether? Losing hope for good?

Actually, the wrestling itself is an act of strength.

Weak men are sure of their ethics. They adopt them in whole cloth from society, religion, their parents or some such place. A strong man is not dominated by someone else's ethics. He must forge his ethics for himself, with religion, parents and society playing an advisory role.

God (as Jews and Christians understand God) expects us to wrestle with right and wrong. The name "Israel" means "he who wrestles with God".

Just because Moses brought down tablets from God that said "Thou shalt not kill" does not mean that I should not kill. God was also quite clear about smiting enemies. A strong man wrestles with the mixed messages from God. A weak man asks someone else to tell him what to do.

If a woman asks a man to take her in hand and he says "sure, why not?" that should be a warning sign. A strong man wouldn't take such a decision lightly. A strong man must take responsibility for the use of his power in the same way that a physician takes responsibility for his use of medicine.

I would much rather see a doctor who asks himself "am I doing the right thing?" than one who simply cures whatever ailment is put before him. Likewise, a husband who takes a woman in hand simply because she asks him to is not worthy of respect. A strong husband will first satisfy himself that he is doing the right thing.

Find a man who wrestles with you before, during and after taking you in hand. Look for one who wants to know why you want it. Are you asking from strength or weakness? Do you want to be led because you can't make your own decisions? Were you brow-beaten by parents who made you do as you were told? Do you have so little strength that you need a man to supply it for you?

Or are you asking to be led because you are confident in yourself as a strong woman, able to give herself to an even stronger man?

A man who doesn't wrestle with the rightness or wrongness of taking a woman in hand, is like a doctor who gives penicillin to someone with chest pains, before checking to see if he's had a heart attack.

Re: Because life is complicated

CarlF, there's a lot of wisdom in what you say here. Thanks a lot.

The part about it being necessary to wrestle with oneself rings very true to me. Do you have some more pieces of advice for the aspiring young man? I'd very much appreciate it.

Advice for the aspiring young man...

The part about it being necessary to wrestle with oneself rings very true to me. Do you have some more pieces of advice for the aspiring young man? I'd very much appreciate it.

Thank you!

Actually, most of what I have written on this site would fall into the category of "advice for aspiring men, young or old". To find posts by a particular author (including me), use the "search by author" page, here.

Please note that "Carl" and "CarlF" are not the same person. I am "CarlF"

Belonging

Perfect!

Your post reminds me so much of how I see an ideal relationship. A couple very intimately belonging with, and to one another.

I don't need to argue with a man to sense his power, but I can certainly understand a wifely feeling of treasuring, and wanting to experience every facet of her husband's personality, especially since ideally, she offers all of hers.

To dwell in each other's hearts and (most intensely yummy for me) minds, I think is the height of togetherness, one being.

Very powerful,
Thank You :-)