Do you have these vital qualities women want in a man?
I am not in a Taken In Hand relationship right now, but thanks to the boss's wonderful site, I am very clear that when I eventually settle down with that certain someone, this is the type of relationship I want. In fact, it is the kind of relationship I have always wanted, although until I found this site my vision of what that meant was somewhat foggy.
This has, of course, led me to do a lot of thinking, particularly about the kind of man I am looking for. Some of the discussion on the Yahoo list has also got me thinking....
I want a truly male-led relationship, but I am far from a passive woman – something I think I have in common with most of the women on this site! I have responsibilities and goals in my life that are deeply important to me, and these are things that the man I am with will need to be able to respect and support. (And I certainly expect to do the same for him.)
Which leads me to this. For me at least, there are three qualities of character that a man would have to have before I could even think about submitting to him.
The first is that he needs to ‘have himself in hand’. If a man is out of control of himself, whether that be of his temper, his spending, his drinking, or whatever, how could I possibly let him be in control of me?
The second quality, which really goes hand in hand with the first, is his integrity. My own integrity, both in little things and in the way I structure my life as a whole, is profoundly important to me, and I could not respect a man for whom this was not also true. I think that we all have a responsibility to give back to this world, in large or small ways, and I could not give my submission in a deep and lasting way to a man who did not share this sense of responsibility.
The third quality is the ability to lead from his heart. To me, the essence of true leadership consists of
a) having a vision or goal firmly in mind, and being able to move consistently towards that goal
b) the ability to inspire others to share that vision and help towards its achievement
c) a genuine caring and respect for the people one leads. In my experience, people will not follow a dictator very long or very sincerely. They won't follow him at all unless forced to out of fear. However, someone who leads from his (or her) heart, with a genuine commitment to the well-being of those being led, inspires a great deal of loyalty and devotion.
In the case of a relationship, the vision in question would be for the type of relationship and family that we were creating together.
I am very interested in the erotic aspects of a Taken In Hand relationship, and I do have a lifelong interest in being spanked. However, for this to move from the arena of play into my real life, I need to be able to deeply respect the man I am giving my submission to. I need to see him in control of himself, respect his integrity and the values with which he conducts his life, and feel secure in the quality of his loving leadership.
I don't expect him to be perfect, and I expect that, as with any healthy relationship, the one we share will help both of us become better people. My ability to give love and be supportive is very strong, and I long for the opportunity to do this as well.
What was said here really touched me, because my grandparents are also my own model of what a wonderful marriage can truly be. My grandparents are about to celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary. They are still both very active, busy, happy, healthy people, and they are deeply and obviously in love with each other. My grandmother defers to my grandfather in everything, and he devotes himself to her happiness and comfort. They are two of the most contented people I have ever met, and have a close-knit family who love and respect them. They have also, despite the modest salary my grandfather earned in a professional life of public service, become financially comfortable due to good financial management. My grandfather is highly respected in his field (he still consults part-time) and is deeply beloved by people his life touched and helped over many decades.
My grandfather also has the highest level of personal integrity. He lives his life according to strong set of spiritual values, although he is also one of the most accepting, non-judgemental people I have ever known. I have never heard him raise his voice or become angry. My grandmother says that in all the time they have been together, she has never heard him raise his voice to anyone, and has only become angry a couple of times when he felt someone was treating my grandmother inappropriately.
What it boils down to, I guess, is that I want a man like my grandpa. :-)
Thank you from my heart for this site, and for the opportunity to continue to work out in my own mind what I want. I've come to believe that if you don't know what it is you want, you're not very likely to get it!
Have you seen the following articles?
An overview of Taken In Hand
Woman whisperer
A man leads with love and kindness
Can you protect her, cherish her and handle her?
Who says you have to be submissive?
The alpha male and masculine power
Taken In Hand as opposed to completely docile
Can a taken in hand woman be sexually subordinate and sexually aggressive?
Can you be Taken In Hand if you're not submissive?
The subjection of women
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Comments
#1 Having himself in hand
Glitter, that was very well stated. Having himself in hand, integrity and leading from the heart--that is a wonderfully accurate description of my husband! I could not have said it better. Good for you for holding out for a truly good man--one worthy of respect. There is so much written on this site about "consent" and avoiding abuse, but when one is married to a man like the one you describe, these concerns are non-issues. A man like that would never be an abuser and his wife is safe, loved, protected and revered. Charlotte
#2 men of integrity
In order to find one of these men of integrity and invite him into your life, you must first be able to recognize him. That is easy for someone who has a role model in her life: whether he is grandpa, Dad, a favorite teacher, or a brother.
It's not as easy when the woman hasn't got such a role model in her life and is prone to mistake the control freak or the "bad boy" for a wonderfully dominant male.
"Pat"
#3 Pat, that is why a woman shou
Pat, that is why a woman should take her time--role models or not. A woman should give herself plenty of opportunity to get to know a man in a variety of situations before submitting to him on any level, sexual or otherwise. Charlotte
#4 A man like that
Charlotte, yes! Exactly. You are a lucky lady, and I have no doubt that your husband is also a very lucky man. :-)
#5 Further qualities a man needs
Glitter....You are quite correct in asserting that a woman who considers living in a Taken in hand relationship must be as certain as she can be that the man she submits herself to be one who is trustworthy. The character traits you list are indeed ones which I agree are necessary. I hope you don't mind if I add two more essential qualitities to your list which not only he must possess, but you as well. These have served my wife and me well in our marriage of 6 years where she gracefully submits to my leadership.
The first is to have a sense of humor. There are times when the whole act of taking my wife in hand can be quite comic and border on the absurd. Not on purpose mind you, but sometimes the whole act of drawing her over my knee can strike us as funny. So do not be afraid to laugh at yourselves. The second is to be forgiving of each other. He will make mistakes in judgement and sometimes behave boorishly. After all we are only men. lol But you as well may in the heat of a moment say things that are hurtful or perhaps do something spiteful, not because that is who you are, but because it is part of our human condition to not always be the person we would like to be. I don't remember who said this or where I read it, but this advice has served my wife and I well: never to go to bed at night angry at each other. I can't say this has never happened, but largely we have been able to put the issue behind us and forgive each other so that when it is time to sleep we can give each other a good night kiss and mean it.
One of the great things about living a life of intent where the man has authority to take his woman in hand is that when problems between the couple do arise they have a way to effectively handle them. When the man feels empowered to lead he will most often, when confronted by a problem in the relationship, work to resolve the probelm instead of withdrawing or turning angry. I can't speak for others, but it has worked well for us. I wish you the best in your search for that one special man.
#6 What has been said cannot be taken back
In 22 years my husband has never called me an unkind name or said anything cruel, and likewise I have never done that to him. He has yelled at me a few times (very few) and I have been shocked! I, in turn, have yelled a few times too, but it is very, very rare. I have always felt that one should speak to one's spouse with more kindness and dignity than to anyone else.
I would encourage any couple starting out to be careful of their tongues as well. What has been said cannot be taken back and the hurt remains. I totally agree with Stephen's addition of a sense of humor. When I was practicing as a minister, I officiated at quite a few weddings and did premarital counseling, and the one piece of advice I always gave was "If it is at ALL possible to laugh--then laugh!"
Charlotte
#7 Words do hurt
Charlotte....It is an unfortunate part of too many relationships that unkind things are said in the heat of an argument that can not be taken back. Whoever said "sticks and stone can break your bones, but words can never hurt you" has it all wrong.
It is often discussed on the this site that women should be careful about who they offer their submission to because of the very real concern for physical abuse. I agree. But I also think men should be advised to be discerning as well when choosing a mate. We never read much about how woman, who often have superior verbal skills, has the potential to do real harm to her man
So I agree, both men and women must be kind to each other. This is why I place great value on repsectful communication in our relationship. Careless words can lead to a downward spiral that can take hours or even days to fix. And if it becomes a regular part of how a couple interacts it spells doom for that relationship.
#8 The verbal viciousness woman
Stephen, I do so agree with you about the verbal viciousness women can demonstrate toward their men. It is an unfortunate tendency that has been encouraged so much in our media, particularly sitcoms (at least in America). There is so much male bashing, and it is tolerated and even celebrated. There are some popular t-shirts in the stores these days that say "Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them." Or "Boys suck and they kind of stink." Funny on the surface, perhaps, but I wonder how women would feel about boys wearing t-shirts that said "girls are stupid!" Charlotte
#9 3 Qualities of Character of a Man
Glitter, I thoroughly enjoyed your article. I totally agree
to your list of characters needed before willing to commit to any relationship.
Having himself in hand, having integrity, and his ability to lead from the heart. Bravo!
Unconsciously or consciously I have tried to lead my life with a similar character. I have integrity and have always lead from the heart. I have been a kitchen manager and Assistant Manager of a few restaurants, I have overseen up to sixty people at various times, have always lead from the heart, and you are so right, when you do this, the people you lead will follow you always. Always having myself in hand has been the hardest issue to deal with. There is always some part of my personality that needs refinment, to work on, to become better at, I am a work in progress, as I believe we all are.
Thank you for your article, I hope you don't mind I saved it to look at often.
Sincerely,
Jonathan
#10 I am in love with a man like this
My fiance is much as you describe. He is kind, patient, firm, fiscally responsible, and has a delicious sense of humor. He was married for 26 years to a woman who dominated him, yet he never lost his dominant nature, nor his kindness, which he has bestowed on his children and grandchildren - and now, me and my son. He is thrilled to have found me - he now has the respect he has desired, and will be the HOH when we get married. I feel blessed.
His jewel