I have a commanding presence. I am calm and rational and good at determining what needs to be done and getting it done. People do what I tell them. In a crisis, people look to me for guidance and courage. Several people in a number of different crises have said that being in my presence is soothing and my strength comforting. I have noticed that even the most independent, professionally effective, assertive men and women have become submissive to me in crisis situations. When I have asked them about this, they have said that I make them feel safe and more serene, that when they stay close to me, they feel that everything will be okay, and in one case, that she had found herself wanting to do as I tell her.
The first time someone told me I have a commanding presence, I felt mildly insulted. I am not a controlling person and I do not seek to get my own way at the expense of others. I may be quietly confident but I have no military aspirations, and I have never wanted to join the police force or any other organisation with a hierarchical command structure.
Recently, a friend of mine told me that he wants to be more assertive with his girlfriend but that he simply doesn't know how. He asked me how to be more dominant, how to have a commanding presence, and why he doesn't. It's true: he doesn't; but why? He doesn't seem to have authority and something about him is such that he does not command respect, let alone obedience.
He seems full of confidence, which is supposed to be one of the main things that determines whether or not you have a commanding presence. Perhaps his confidence is just a little too brash and loud, a little too overt, a little too showy to feel solid. Sometimes quieter confidence can feel more real, more reliable, more calm, more controlled.
When I was at school, one of my teachers had complete control of the class at all times. He never raised his voice; he always spoke respectfully; he never punished anyone. He had a commanding presence. Another teacher was always punishing us, always shouting and always used sharp tones, ordering us about as though we were in the military. He had no control of the class at all.
If you are a man who wants to step into a more dominant role in your relationship, instead of using sharp, military order style commands, think quiet confidence, and keep your tone respectful. You should not need to shout. Your woman should be able to sense your control without you having to make a big show of it. Slow down. Think before you speak. Consider how you move. Videotape yourself. Do you move slowly and confidently like a lion, or do you flutter about like a nervous bird? Relax. Slow down.
How's your temper? A bad temper indicates weakness, a lack of self-control, a lack of confidence. You can't have a commanding presence if you have a bad temper, you can only be a domineering bully. Learn some self-control. Stop being defensive. Feeling threatened by dissent is a weakness, not a sign of strength. Face the fact that you are a fallible human being who sometimes makes mistakes. Do not fear to admit that you have been wrong: that is a sign of weakness. You cannot maintain a healthy dominant position in the face of these weaknesses, so if they apply to you, start working on yourself now. Create goals for yourself and move forward step-by-step.
As well as being quietly confident, respectful, and having enough self-control not to lose your temper, you need to be honest and trustworthy. Without that, you will never have a good relationship, and you will certainly never be worthy of the respect and submission you might desire.
As you develop your dominance, you need to bend over backwards to be fair and consistent. As the person in charge, you have a lot of responsibility for the happiness of your partner and for the health of your relationship. Take your responsibility seriously. Arbitrary punishment feels unfair and will lose you respect.
Take things slowly. Be prepared to back-track in the event that something you try turns out to be problematic. Expect to make mistakes. Expect to have to make changes. Keep your ego out of it. Treat it as an exciting and fun adventure rather than a test of your manhood. Accept yourself as you are, and move forward from where you are. Until you accept yourself, no one else will, and you will not have the control you want. You can't fake a commanding presence, you can only move towards having that, and you can only do so through thought and effort and with the time and the will and the creativity to improve.
One more thing: keep talking to the woman you love. She most likely has more belief in you than you do, and if she is reading Taken In Hand, she is undoubtedly behind you all the way, wanting this to work, wanting to please you. Look into her eyes and see the love for you reflected there. Look into her heart and see how willing she is to submit, despite your imperfections. Bask in her admiration and appreciation. Notice how happy and peaceful even the smallest sign of your dominance makes her. Notice how it increases her libido and heats up your sex life. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to stressfully boss her about, you don't have to bellow: just be yourself, and allow her to feel your authority in small ways.