Discovering who we are

Discovering who we are

My wife and I have been married almost 20 years. We have tried many ways of relating and yet nothing worked with any reliability.

That is until we both began to recognize something in our natures.

I began to discover that I am what some would call an alpha male, and she a female needing to be in subjection to her man.

This was after I started to shed the baggage of being raised without a father. Being raised by my mother and only having sisters, no brother. My mother went through many marriages and I learned that when there was marital conflict there came separation and then divorce. As a result I had hole in my spirit that I didn't realize was there, yet it affected my life in negative ways for years to come.

My wife's father died when she was eight. She was in the room when her dad his heart attack at only 35. Then she had a stepfather who had raised boys to adulthood and now had a stepdaughter he didn't know how to relate to. Thus she was raised in a home with an overbearing and domineering father. Yet, she deeply yearned in her heart for a man who could be strong without being overbearing—take charge without being domineering. But she couldn't put these needs into words. She didn’t truly understand the hole in her spirit. She found some solace when she started reading D/s novels, when she discovered them in her late teen years. They excited her. She thought that she wanted what she was reading but they didn’t fill that void.

Then we found each other. I had not had a history of successful relationships, due to my upbringing. I was a doormat, a wuss. I was always afraid that if I stood my ground that the young lady I was seeing would leave, just like my mother always did. This was a recipe for disaster and never, ever, worked.

Then I decided at 29 that I was sick of it and would not longer put up with female nonsense. It was very soon after this that I met my wife to be.

She tested me very early in the relationship and discovered that I wouldn't put up with her nonsense. Her mother said I was the first man that her daughter had ever dated. (Good thing she hadn't met me six month earlier)

My wife discovered someone she couldn’t push around. A man, not a boy.

We were married six months later.

Then things started to go bad. We were married and my old upbringing started to intrude. I stopped being a man and became the boy, afraid to stand my ground, in fear that she would leave.

Taking a chance she told me about the kind of books she started reading as a teen. About interests that she had. In her confused state she thought that she wanted what was in those books. So, I, who had never read those kind of books started to read them. I started studying them. I found online communities. Trying to figure her out. We started trying out the things we read about. But it never filled that void we both had in our hearts and spirit.

I was still afraid she would leave me and she was afraid of a man who would crush her spirit.

Eighteen years after our marriage, with two children, after years of a marriage that was frequently very bad, had very little, if any, sex, we started having deeper conversations than we ever had before, after I told her I couldn’t take it any more. The only reason I hadn’t left was that I didn’t want to do to my children what was done to me.

In a way, we were both afraid, but we talked with a deeper understanding than we ever had before. I finally began to trust that she wouldn’t run away. That I could be strong for her and not have to worry that she would leave me. This was when the true change started.

When this happened I started the process of becoming the man she needed. A man who would not fall on her and crush her when she was upset about something. Who could take charge without being domineering or never looking out for her needs and wants. But someone she could trust her vulnerable side too. Someone who could take burdens off of her shoulders and put them on his own. Someone she could trust to look out for her, protect her, put her needs, not wants, ahead of his own. Her needs and those of their children.

I finally became the Man she needed, which released her to become the woman she was, deep down in her heart. I found out by becoming what she needed that hidden deep down in myself that I truly was that man.

This filled that void that was in both of us. The one that we both had left empty out of fear and ignorance for so long.

I needed a woman who would welcome my control, whom I could lead and she would follow. Who would be subject to me and whom I could take care of and cherish as my very own.

She needed a Man whom she could trust her most vulnerable side to. Who would stand up to her and for her. Whose rule was Law. Who would keep her under control and under his authority and protection.

This is also not just in how we live our daily lives now, it has roiled over into our sex life as well. In a way it began there. I no longer have to ask, or worse, beg her for sex, and more often than not be turned down. She has had the burden, as she describes it, of initiating sex lifted from her shoulders. The burden of deciding if she will have sex or not. Now, I just take what I want from her sexually. I, not her, say when, where, and what kind of sex we will have. The choice of this has been taken away from her and she is absolutely delighted as a result. This is how she has always wanted it, but couldn’t verbalise it. In fact this is what she has always needed from her man. From me. It fits her personality like a hand in a glove, and it suits me as well, now that we can trust one another. As I often say to her: Obedience is sexy!

We have found in ourselves and in our mate the person we have always needed and in turn have become the people we truly are.

The irony here is that this was before I discovered Taken In Hand. If I had found articles like The subjection of women I truly believe that we would have found our way to where we are sooner.

Joseph_K

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Comments

Under control, under authority, under protection.

What I wrote above was my marriage from my point of view and how things changed after 18 years of marriage.

Here is what my wife wrote to me about our marriage from her point of view at that time.

Joseph K

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Under control, under authority, under protection.

It can go against the grain for a grown woman to obey someone—at least, if that someone is not involved in giving you a paycheck. But in our culture, obeying your husband is vaguely scandalous.

But I've come to understand that obedience has its rewards.

A strong, self-confident powerful man is very sexy. I want for Joseph to have that strength, and we seem to be finding the way to build that—to make it explicitly clear that he's the master of the household, and I am to obey him. The more we practice these roles, I believe the more we'll be confident in them, and the better our relationship will be. We've had issues in the past of passive resistance and passive agression, and it does save energy to get rid of all the guessing games.

I need to understand his expectations in any situation. I have to know exactly what I'm supposed to do before I can do it properly, and I hate disappointing him. My emotional state can sometimes be pretty fragile, and a frown or raised voice from him feels like a crushing blow. One of the things I expect is that working into this new awareness of our roles (I don't see it as a new relationship, but more of a new understanding) will help me to better serve him, and also keep me from feeling so crushed when things go wrong—because he's made the committment to affirm me for the things I do well, and with more of those experiences in my mind, the less I'll feel that it's hopeless to even try. This translates directly into more confidence, competance, and what sociologists call "self-efficacy". Self-efficacy is the sense that a person has that they are capable of meeting and surpassing challenges. That sort of attitude makes an impact on actions.

As someone once said, whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.

One of the non-exepected things about this relationship is that I feel closer to him. You might think that setting up a formal power distance would be isolating, but it's not. It's no longer me versus him. It's not me making decisions and being diminished if he doesn't like them. It's not him judging me from a distance. It's me alongside with him, working as a team. Together, we're stronger than we are separately. It's a relief.

Strength means security. Women are meant to look to their husbands for protection from the outside world. He's supposed to be the head of the household. According to Ephesians, he *is* the head of the wife, whether he knows it or acts like it or not. A woman who can push her husband around knows that he's weaker than she is. That's a very insecure feeling, and it does *not* cultivate respect.

I can so relate

Thank you for sharing your experience.

A strong, self-confident powerful man is very sexy......You might think that setting up a formal power distance would be isolating, but it's not. It's no longer me versus him. It's not me making decisions and being diminished if he doesn't like them. It's not him judging me from a distance. It's me alongside with him, working as a team. Together, we're stronger than we are separately. It's a relief.

A woman who can push her husband around knows that he's weaker than she is. That's a very insecure feeling, and it does *not* cultivate respect.

I can so relate to this. I don't care how strong, secure, independent, successful, and competent women are, I believe they all want their man to be stronger. I realize that doesn't mean they are all interested in him expressing that strength by spanking her, but a woman needs to know he has a backbone and will use it, even with her. How can she depend on him, trust him, feel secure in him otherwise?