Could this kind of relationship be for you?

What kind of relationship are we talking about?

A couple of weeks before my grandfather died, I visited my grandparents and was moved by the sight of them sitting hand-in-hand, smiling and gazing into one another's eyes like young lovers. They were devoted to each other. My grandfather was very much the master of the house, and made all the major decisions. My grandmother was positively proud to by his wife. She obeyed him and deferred to him. She would have done anything for him, and from the way happiness shone out of her, it is clear that she felt not the slightest bit down-trodden or resentful. I remember her almost dancing into a room and filling it with warm smiles and joyful laughter. Head of the household my grandfather may have been, but he was no bully. He was an old-fashioned English gentleman who was kind and gentle and did not want anyone to be intimidated by him even though he was frightfully clever and had the presence and authority to command obedience. I very much doubt that he ever used any kind of “discipline” on my grandmother, whether physical or otherwise. My grandparents had a Taken In Hand relationship.

That is one kind of Taken In Hand relationship. Others look very different. Some look less like a traditional marriage and more like a hardcore high intensity TPE or absolute power relationship. Some involve total obedience and no way out (yes, that is what the woman passionately wants). In other Taken In Hand relationships neither the man nor the woman wants total obedience, preferring light-hearted disobedience of the spirited but lovable brat. Some aren't remotely interested in obedience or the lack of it. Some Taken In Hand couples think in terms of dominance and submission; others have no interest in dominance and/or submission. Some think in terms of two strong individuals engaged in a fascinating and totally friendly battle with one another as they jointly explore the world and each other. For others, a Taken In Hand relationship is not about any of the above; instead, it is about men being masculine and women being feminine. Some see it very differently from any of these descriptions.

In some Taken In Hand couples, the woman sees herself as a shrew being tamed; some women want to be brought to submission; some think in terms of having their resistance broken or of being conquered. For others, the idea of being broken, tamed, or conquered sounds awful. They prefer the idea of willing surrender. To some, the idea of surrendering is quite unappealing. Many Taken In Hand women have no interest in submission or surrendering. Many like the idea of the husband being the one who wears the trousers—even if the wife is as tough as they come and is usually to be found wearing combat trousers (perhaps because she is in the military...) No Taken In Hand wife would prefer to be married to a man who would let her walk all over him. They all want to be kept firmly in hand by their husband.

Some couples are drawn to difficult and intense interactions, others are prefer the idea of peace and tranquility. Some women want to fear their man; for others, nothing could be worse. Some Taken In Hand couples enjoy violent physical force; some Taken In Hand relationships involve no physical force of any kind. Some like the idea of the woman being owned by the man; for others that is an abomination.

There are many possibilities, and what I have said above is just to give those new to Taken In Hand an idea, it is not a complete list of all the variations by any means.

What do these relationships have in common?

What Taken In Hand relationships have in common is that both the man and the woman are strong, but the man is in charge. He “wears the trousers”. He may also be the “master of the house” or the head of the household. In controlling the woman, the man might lovingly but firmly straighten her out. The man is in control. And not just as a game or a sexual fantasy, not just in the bedroom, not as a “scene”, but in reality.

See also:
What you need to know about Taken In Hand,
The erotic power of the unshackled man,
Taken In Hand in a nutshell,
A brief introduction to Taken In Hand—from a Biblical perspective and
An overview of Taken In Hand .

Is this about denying women their right to choose?

No. Some Taken In Hand relationships look very traditional, but unlike what may have been the case in the past, the Taken In Hand woman is living under the authority of a man by choice. The woman could have chosen to live in a more conventional relationship in which there is no control, or she could have chosen to be in a relationship in which she is in control. Taken In Hand is a personal choice for the individual, not something we want to foist on others against their will.

Is it really consensual?

Yes. See this article and the other articles cited there.

Why would any woman want to be controlled?

The man's control is all very erotic for both man and woman, and it is also deeply relaxing. To those drawn to Taken In Hand relationships, it feels right. It is very connecting; it facilitates deep communication and bonding. It is exciting and enlivening; it feels safe and protective; it brings passion and peace. For more about this, see also this article and this article.

How do you create or switch to this kind of relationship?

There is no recipe, and no relationship springs into existence fully formed the moment the couple decides they want it to be a Taken In Hand one. Relationships evolve over time. Trust takes time to build. Take it very slowly. Think of your relationship as a journey of baby steps, and be prepared for some of those steps to feel like giant leaps backwards. That is the nature of progress. Learning, developing, growing is not a tidy process organised along a straight line. Be kind to yourselves when it feels as though you are lost, and have faith that you will find the path again. But keep an open mind about where you think you are heading. You may want to take a completely different path.

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Yes this is for me

I recently came across this site, actually last night and I was so moved. This is exactly what I am seeking in a relationship. I crave this ability to put my trust completely in a man. It makes me feel so cherished and cared for. Are there places where I could meet a man interested in taking me in hand?

No one wants a man they can walk over!

(they like the idea of being with a man strong enough not to allow them to walk all over him)

I need this. It's only my feeling, but a man should never allow a woman to walk all over him. It's just not right and I lose all repect for a man who does this. Sure, it works for some men and if that makes them happy, more power to them. But for me, it's wrong.

My husband lets me get away with murder sometimes, but it's murder that he feels is still Once I cross that line, it stops. Most times with just a look or a stern "Enough" This shows me he cares enough to let me vent but is in control enough to know when I am going too far.

Thank you

I have always known in my heart that something like this was what i needed and wanted in a relationship. Unfortunately, I couldn't really put it into words without feeling/sounding like a throw-back to another era—or some sort of nutcase, in the eyes of so many others.

I met someone months ago, with whom I have begun to build a strong, honest relationship and we are talking about marriage. We have both come from failed marriages and are strongly bent on making sure that we both feel right in this one. We have been talking about this for a while now, trying to pin it down into how the dynamics needed to work for us, and though we are in agreement on most everything that had come up, this was the one area we were not sure how to define. The most basic, likely the most important element, with the ability to make or break the rest of our carefully laid-out plans.

When i was led to this link yesterday (from another site), I was not sure what I would find. I was somewhat skeptical, but the more I read, the bigger and tighter the lump in my throat became. When he got home from work, he walked in to a list of links I'd sent to his IM. He laughed, and began to read them. I was nervous about his reaction, but lo and behold, he got it—then, I cried happy tears. He became as absorbed as I, sending me links to articles as fast as i sent them to him. It felt as right to him as to me, and now we are both devouring the articles as fast as we can.

Thank you for putting it into words for us, helping us to define this vital part of 'US'.


Success isn't about never falling down—it's about what you learn when you fall—and always getting back up!

Masculine man, feminine woman

For others, a Taken In Hand relationship is about men being masculine and women being feminine.

The above describes our relationship. I relish the difference between the sexes...

Masculine man, feminine woman

I found this site last year. Like so many people, it was an utter revelation, a relief, a recognition, a joy. And the wisdom and maturity and love expressed by the people on these pages has moved me beyond words.

After an unhappy marriage and a divorce, I started to explore for the first time a mild interest in BDSM with a lover, which was interesting but predominantly sexual,and didn't fulfil me emotionally. When I met another man who interested me greatly, and having spent hours reading this site and dreaming about this kind of dymanic, I decided to be completely true to myself and told him up front about Taken in Hand, and that this was the kind of relationship I wanted and needed. He was curious and a little amused, but I dont think took it entirely seriously.

6 months later we are happier than I ever thought we could be. Gradually he haas assumed the mantle of being In Charge, and he is absolutely liberated by it. He says he has never felt more of a man, and I in turn have never felt more feminine and cared for. I adore this man: he would do anything for me, and that includes disciplining me when I need it. He respects and cherishes me, loves me but stands up to my nonsense (I am the first to admit I can be difficult) with patience and good humour and when necessary, firmness. The first time he took me aside and spanked me for being moody was one of the most thrilling and affirming experiences of my life. Knowing that I can totally trust this wonderful, kind and loving man makes me want even more to please him and surrender to his masculine control. It is both hugely erotic and emotionally nurturing, for both of us. I am a woman, and he is my man, and it is as simple as that.

I would add that I have told very few people about the nature of our relationship. I am a very strong woman, and I think my friends would be absolutely incredulous if I tried to explain. But that is why it works—I surrender to my man, and it is a blessed relief.


Taken in Hand Relationships

Dear Cougar,

I am surprised to be nodding my head in complete agreement with you and with the concept of the Taken in Hand relationship. I have a strong, intense personality and it is difficult for me to find a man who's up to being in true relationship with me. I don't want a man I can walk all over, nothing could make me feel worse. Having a man I could trust and submit to would be such a relief, a way to finally relax in my skin. I believe this kind of relationship wouldn't change me so much as allow me to be more fully who I am. Boy would that be hard to explain to my friends.