Control yourself and keep your legs closed!

Before I found this site my life was a mess. My first mistake was I wanted a man that would treat me good and I assumed that meant we'd be equal in the relationship, neither one of us in charge. I didn't feel like it would be good for me to let the guy control me. I rejected men that tried to take charge and kept finding I didn't like the ones that didn't want to wear the pants. When I found this site it was the right time for me to be open to a new idea.

Even after finding this site and waking up to the idea that I wanted to be with a guy that would be in control I still got used many times until I got it that the right man wouldn't be a selfish jerk that would expect me to mommy him and be the source of his personal gratification. I felt like hey, he wants to be in control, that's the guy for me......... except I kept getting Peter Pans that wanted a Wendy to mommy them. There's alot of dominant guys out there that are Peter Pans that think your purpose is to cater to their whims and ask nothing in return.

I kept reading this site and reading how men on this site put their wife first and cherish her feelings and I would wonder if men like that exist in the real world because all I met were the selfish jerks. I kept getting seduced by user losers then I would wonder where the guy had disappeared to. They'd got what they wanted and were on to the next woman, leaving me in pieces. I know some women can f--- like a guy but when a guy would have sex with me I would feel bad when he wouldn't want to see me again or if he wanted to be friends and have sex but not be in a relationship. This site and a book that was discussed here [was it Getting to" I do", by Patricia Allen?—Editor] helped me get it that if I wanted to get married I had to close my legs and take care of my feelings.

The more I read this site the more I got it: a good guy would take care of a woman's feelings and treat her like a princess as well as wearing the pants in the relationship. You don't have to settle for a selfish jerk to get a guy that will be in control. There are guys out there that both want to wear the pants and will treat you good.

Well.... now I'm married to a great guy that treats me like a princess! My guy tried to get his magic wand in on our second date but finally--FINALLY--I ignored my hormones and succeeded in keeping my legs closed. I made sure to tell him how I felt flattered he wanted me and that I wanted him but wanted to wait. I was so proud of myself and it worked. We dated and he proposed and we got married 16 months later. Since we got married we've made up for lost time--our sex life is the best ever. One thing I never knew before was how good sex can be when you're married. I'm having the best sex of my life now--and my husband says it's the same for him. We're so happy. My husband treats me sooooo good! THANK YOU TAKEN IN HAND!

Steve's Wife

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Sex and marriage

Well, I'm glad that keeping your legs closed worked, for you, but it wasn't something I ever bothered with when I was young. I never went out with a man unless I intended to have sex with him, because I always assumed that if a man asked me out he wanted sex, and I would have regarded going out with them as a waste of time if I didn't want it too.

I found that sleeping with men didn't usually put them off wanting to see me again, quite a lot of them did. And several of them wanted to marry me. I am not sure really how important it is to refrain from sex if you want to get married, though I suppose it is method that works with some men. I could never be bothered with it though. I had a "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" attitude towards sex.


I'm with you, Louise

I'm with you Louise. While Steve's Wife seems happy and staying out of bed before marriage made her happy, it would not have made me happy. I learned when I was divorced and dating that women on the whole are taught to think differently about sex than men are. Consequently, if you are an adult woman and crave sex, you're called not the nicest of names, while a man the same age is called great names. All that being said, I decided to allow men to be men and when I slept with someone I didn't expect it to lead to marriage.

My husband would not have stayed with me if I refused to have sex with him when I was dating. He would not have begged, he would never have forced me yet he would not have been happy because he is highly sexual. So, he would have respected my wishes and left.

I am glad you are happy Steve's Wife, but I dare say for women who are in the late 20's or beyond, the virgin until I marry thing might not be best. Consider that most men your age have had some sexual experience and once you have sex once, it's like potato chips—you can rarely eat just one!

Re: Louise

I think that what is being proposed is not to necesarily (although some may be capable) completely postpone sex prior to marriage. The ideology of "Getting to I do" is to exercise some self control until your needs are met. Why give pearls for pork chops when you are not certain that it is safe to bond intimately with a man who is invested in his own self interest. Pay close attention to feminine boundaries. They are our most precious asset. A feminine woman controls her boundaries and not men. This is very empowering.

Postpoing sex

Yes, I understand that the idea of postponing sex until a man is 'committed' to you, rather than waiting until marriage, is the idea proposed here, but this involves a woman denying her own desire for sex (assuming she has one), and when I was young, I could never see the point of denying sex to myself, if the man wanted it, and so did I.

In fact, I think a straightforward "I'm waiting until I get married" is really more practical that deciding to wait until the man is sufficiently involved with you. I mean, how do you guage the exact moment when a man is really "committed" to you? Marriage is marriage, but committment is a nebulous thing, and how can you judge when he is sufficiently committed?

Pat Allen's book (while excellent in many ways) takes it for granted that a woman who has sex with a man too soon is not going to get committment from him. But I slept with my husband on the first date and he married me (twice). Other men I slept with also wanted to marry me. I don't see putting off sex as a magic formula for getting a lasting relationship, though it obviously works with some men.