Communication doesn't have to be explicit, direct or verbal

Communication doesn't have to be explicit, direct or verbal

A while back, my business wasn't doing well. We were having trouble paying some of our personal bills because there wasn't enough money coming in.

At the end of a long week, I was driving home and called my wife. I told her to get dressed-up so I could take her out to dinner. She, predictably, complained that we couldn't afford it I—just as predictably—barked at her to do as I told her, and then hung up on her.

When I arrived home, I was ready to launch into a tirade, but she met me at the door—stark naked.

For a moment, I was caught off guard. I expected she might be in jeans and a T-shirt or dolled up and ready to go out to dinner.

I wasn't prepared for nudity.

In that moment of uncertainty, she kissed me, wrapping herself around me and pressing her body into me. A moment later, we looked into each other's eyes, saying nothing.

She turned and bent over the arm of the couch.

I gave her a back rub and we talked—about my Aunt Marta.

After a few minutes, we turned out the lights and went upstairs. I washed up and Elle put on a black satin nightgown—a gown similar to the one that Aunt Marta had given her as a wedding present.

After we made love, we went to sleep.

The apologies, the discussion of whether to go out to dinner or stay home and do something else, her offer to be punished, my decline, her suggestion of what to wear to bed and my acceptance—all of that was spoken in subtext.

My point?

Communication skills are extremely important. One of the most important of those skills is learning how to communicate without hurting and without forcing each other to admit fault.

Sometimes the best way of doing that is not to talk directly about what is bothering you. Shared experiences can provide a “language” that is more gentle and soothing than plain English.

Communication doesn't have to be explicit, direct or even verbal. It just has to happen.

CarlF

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Comments

Aunt Marta

Hi CarlF, thanks for your post. I love the 'story '.
You have a 'great' wife, with a lot of gusto.
I read the 'story' as a scene from a filmscript.
I can see the scene develop right before my eyes.
I love the dynamic, the 'surprise', the energy and,
and i'm very puzzeld by the fact that you talked
about (Capital A) Aunt Marta at this point.

Why do you mention her? What is her role in the 'story',
she gave your wife a nighty at your wedding?
Is there more to tell? Is Aunt Marta a Taken In Hand woman?
Just guessing...

Anyway thanks for sharing.

soulziel

Why Aunt Marta?

...I'm very puzzeld by the fact that you talked
about (Capital A) Aunt Marta at this point.

It was a hint that she should wear a particular kind of nightgown.

(From original post) ... I washed up and Elle put on a black satin nightgown—a gown similar to the one that Aunt Marta had given her as a wedding present.

A scene from a film script

I read the 'story' as a scene from a filmscript. I can see the scene develop right before my eyes.

Well, in a sense, we were communicating through a story. That works for us as a non-literal "medium" of communication.

Elle has a flair for the dramatic. She has taught stagecraft, film criticism, drama and creative writing at various times. It's one of the things about her that I fell in love with long ago.

Her communication style often has a theatrical feel to it, especially when she is trying to say something without actually saying it. A lot of that has rubbed off on me.

We've consciously adapted to each other's communication styles, and I guess that's part of what I was trying to say in my original post.

For us, it works to be theatrical. We also communicate through touch or by doing small things for each other.

For other couples, there may be other "media" of communication that allow them to say difficult things in an indirect way.

Some of the obvious "difficult things" are, "I'm sorry" or "please stop doing that" or "I'm really angry at you" or "I really liked that but I feel silly admitting it."

Imagine if, in a moment of anger, a wife silently tore a blank piece of paper into small bits and dumped them on her husband's head. It could be a very disarming way of saying "I'm furious with you but I don't want to yell and scream—so there!"

film

Thanks, carlf.

I like the theatrical communication. I am a filmmaker myself.
I guess I "smelled" something.
Thanks for your comment and all the best.

soulziel

Making a Statement

When women want to *make a statement*—as opposed to saying something—they have been known to take off their clothes with total abandon.

You are so right, Noone!

Far more effective than yelling, screaming or nagging (as long as 'the BIG GAME' is not on!), attention getting, can be loads of fun, and gives new meaning to 'Vee haff our veyz!'

Seriously, though—sometimes the best way to make our point that our man is totally loved and accepted is to simply bare ourselves to him, completely. Getting vulnerable and naked (unasked) before him, body, mind, heart and soul (sound familiar, JohnB?;) ) reminds both of us that my trust in him has not wavered, my love for him is strong, and he is my Knight, no matter that the armor might have a chink or two.

~smile~
kitten

Success isn't about never falling down—it's about what you learn when you fall—and always getting back up!

Re:

Very nice idea. I shall put it in my pocket and save it for another day. ;)