Commit to solving problems

Human beings are creative. Unlike animals, we are able to create models of problems in our mind, simulations if you will, and then see around the simulation so that we guess how to exert more control of it. This creative capacity to model and then control our world has caused and will cause us to advance and advance scientifically. We are learning to cooperate better and better with the laws of nature, but never do we completely arrive at complete cooperation with them, because we make mistakes.

The same is true of finding how to relate to one's partner, when we are patient enough. Because we can simulate anything in our minds, we can also simulate the creative mind of our partner. We can guess what will make him or her feel better and will also make us feel better. So both participants in a couple can suggest ways that enable the two to cooperate better, regardless of the problem. We can even change what we like or dislike if we realize that a previous preference is immoral or otherwise mistaken. Since we can change our preferences and change the physical state of the world, no law of nature can prevents us from finding a cooperative state with a partner that each finds preferable to where they started when an argument began. We do not live in zero sum world. It is possible for both spouses in a marriage to gain.

It follows therefore that in a couple committed to solving problems, all arguments can be resolved in a way that both find to be better than the conflicted state that led to the argument, if given enough time. Now, it helps to start a relationship with someone with whom one does not have drastic differences and multiple difficulties solving problems. But because we are fundamentally creative beings, even a couple like this could figure out how to work well together with enough time and effort.

If each individual in a couple is profoundly committed to working things out with the other then given enough time, they will! This is easier if we intelligently choose a partner whom we already find very attractive and wonderful, but I have even heard of it working in the case of an arranged marriage.


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