Can a taken in hand woman be sexually subordinate and sexually aggressive?

Can a taken in hand woman be sexually subordinate and sexually aggressive?

Dictionary.reference.com defines subordinate as such:

1. placed in or belonging to a lower order or rank.
2. of less importance; secondary.
3. subject to or under the authority of a superior.
4. subservient or inferior.
5. subject; dependent.

In contrast, it defines aggressive as:

1. characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militantly forward or menacing: aggressive acts against a neighboring country.
2. making an all-out effort to win or succeed; competitive: an aggressive basketball player.
3. vigorously energetic, esp. in the use of initiative and forcefulness: an aggressive salesperson.
4. boldly assertive and forward; pushy: an aggressive driver.

At first glance, one would say she must be one or the other. However, I believe she can be both. While I am subject to my husband's authority, and dependent on him (his subordinate), I am also energetic, very competitive, and prone to unprovoked offensives (I'll initiate a wrestling match with my husband), in other words, aggressive.

While it's impossible to be both simultaneously, I'm often both during any given sexual encounter. As my husband, freshly showered, towel wrapped around his waist, innocently sorts through his dresser for his night clothes, I'll peer in from the doorway and ambush him. Caught off guard he'll fall prey to my attack, landing flat on his back on our bed with me pinning him down. We'll struggle back and forth, rolling and twisting until ultimately he regains power and I'm pinned helplessly beneath him. At that point I'm at his mercy. He can do and does whatever he wants with me. I am his subordinate.

I don't feel the need to fit into one category or the other. I think that maybe the dance between the two is what makes our taken in hand relationship so beautiful and right for us.

So, to all who find themselves anguishing over maintaining that perfect balance, I say.....

relax and dance on!!!

Dynomite

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Comments

Good for you

If he likes it, that's great. Most men wish their wives took more initiate sexually. I am not sure all dominant men are in that category but couples find what works for them. I am not like that at all which is probably very boring for some men.

Seems like playfulness

I agree with Dynomite, but I see this as playfulness instead of “aggression.”

In fact, I think that, if a man is clearly dominant and in control of a relationship, and never allows any kind of actual femdom to occur, then a woman’s initiative and energy isn’t, and cannot become, anti-Taken In Hand sexual aggression.

Maybe it’s just my tendency to look for various ways to have fun, but it seems that (in a Taken In Hand relationship) a woman’s initiative shouldn’t feel like pressure to perform or an attempt to take control. And intercourse isn’t the only option; just use your imagination.

For example, if she is making “demands” at an inconvenient time (like when you are trying to complete a project for work), you can tie her down in the same room with you, and with (at least) a vibrator tied firmly between her legs (the large plug-in Hitachi works really well!). Of course, once she starts entertaining you, you will end up taking breaks to play with her, anyway. :-)

Why shouldn't she attempt to take control?

...it seems that (in a Taken In Hand relationship) a woman’s initiative shouldn’t feel like pressure to perform or an attempt to take control.

Ok, I'll give you that she shouldn't feel pressure to perform, but why shouldn't she attempt to take control? That's exactly what I do. It's an all out battle! Call it playfulness, testing the ropes, aggression, whatever. When the time is right ..... it's on! ;-) I want him to overtake me when I'm giving it my all. A half-hearted, less than aggressive attempt on my part would be playfulness.

Then again....maybe we're playing a game of semantics here.

~Dynomite

Re: Why shouldn't she attempt to take control?

It probably is just semantics. I agree with what you and Shay have said, but “aggression” is another one of those words like “consent” and “anger” that can be interpreted in many different ways.

I likened your aggression to playfulness (perhaps not the most accurate word), because of your motivation. While you are enthusiastic and energetic, and give it your all in attempting to take control, you don’t expect to succeed and would be disappointed if you did. It is aggression that reinforces the relationship, and which certainly seems like a lot of fun.

I agree that people should stop worrying about labels and categories, and just do what works best in their relationships.

But the first thing that some people who are just starting to explore this type of a relationship want to know is how to restrict themselves to fit into the Taken In Hand “category.” And this becomes even trickier when only one partner has a clear vision.

I think that you were exactly right when you said: “So, to all who find themselves anguishing over maintaining that perfect balance, I say..... relax and dance on!!!”

I should have explained, when I wrote my previous comments, that I was thinking about men who don’t yet fully believe in themselves as leaders, and who may be hoping that their women will cede control by limiting themselves.

I think that one of the benefits of Taken In Hand for a woman should be not having to worry about being too aggressive. And her man must become comfortable with the idea that, irrespective of the intensity of her “testing the ropes, aggression, whatever,” her goal isn’t to change the nature of their relationship, and his responsibility is to reassure her by “overtaking her when she is giving it her all.”

I also should have clarified that (in a Taken In Hand relationship) a woman’s initiative shouldn’t feel, to the man, like pressure to perform in a specific way or a fundamental desire to take control.

For a man new to Taken In Hand, one of the most difficult concepts to accept and put into practice is the idea that being in charge means being able to bend his woman to his (non-narcissistic) will, and by doing so achieve a beneficial outcome. Until he becomes confident about this, some challenges or perceived expectations can cause him to become insecure, defensive and even resentful.

But the last thing that a Taken In Hand woman wants is an uncertain response that seeks her approval. Instead, she wants the freedom to be herself that comes from knowing that her man will remain in control, and strong enough to handle her (and anything else that may arise). And gaining this perspective will allow him to enjoy her initiative and energy, place her actions into their proper context and, as you said, “relax and dance on!”

And it really does depend on perspective. A man who is strong, and confident in his power and position, should perceive even “fierce aggression” as something other than an ongoing coup d'état. And while you may see something as an all out battle to test the ropes, he may be looking forward to it as play.

Ain't that the truth

John wrote:

"But the last thing that a Taken In Hand woman wants is an uncertain response that seeks her approval. Instead, she wants the freedom to be herself that comes from knowing that her man will remain in control, and strong enough to handle her (and anything else that may arise)."

AMEN! That's what I want, and that's what I've got in my husband. My husband is not threatened by my agressively trying to take control, he knows I want HIM to be in control and he takes me in hand and keeps a tight rein on me. That's our kind of 'Taken In Hand" relationship—one that involves him taking me in hand on a regular basis and keeping control of me. I don't get how you can have a Taken In Hand relationship with a woman that's always in hand whether you take her in hand or not???

Ainsley

TAKEN IN HAND when I try to take control

"Ok, I'll give you that she shouldn't feel pressure to perform, but why shouldn't she attempt to take control? That's exactly what I do. It's an all out battle! Call it playfulness, testing the ropes, aggression, whatever. When the time is right ..... it's on! ;-) I want him to overtake me when I'm giving it my all. A half-hearted, less than aggressive attempt on my part would be playfulness."

Me, too. For me and my husband, him overpowering me and taking me in hand—or TAKING me—when I'm trying to take control is the very essence of Taken In Hand. My husband enjoys my agressive take control streak and says it gives him "more to work with" where if I were a little mouse he'd get bored and wouldn't have anything to take me in hand for. We're not a spanking/discipline couple, for us it's about my husband being in control, and taking me in hand for us means him wresting control from my hands, taking me in hand and getting me under control. It's often sexual but not only sexual for us. I sometimes ask my husband if he would prefer a submissive non agressive little mouse but he says no way would he want that, it would be less fun and less interesting. My husband wants to control a strong agressive woman and bring THAT kind of woman under control where if I was a little mouse there would be less taking in hand because a submissive non agressive little mouse is already in hand. How we are is a good balance for us—he has the balance of power and that's what we both like. This for us is what Taken In Hand is all about.

I disagree that this is just playing—my husband likes me because I'm agressive and take control in reality not playing, like I said he says it makes it more interesting and fun for him to take in hand a strong agressive woman—he doesn't want a submissive little mouse.

Ainsley

Just do It

"I don't feel the need to fit into one category or the other."----dynomite

Exactly! People just need to stop worrying about labels and what this or that mean---Just do what works best for and your other and that's what it's all about!!!!

I Totally Agree With This

Taken In Hand is about what works for each couple, because one thing might work for someone and not work for you. You can be unique and think outside the box and do what works for you. If you think of labels and such that just takes the fun out of it.

Princess Andie

Is THIS a PROBLEM?!?!?

And if so, why? What am I missing? SAY WHAAAAATT?!?

The most VOCIFEROUS complaint of men about women is their reluctance
against sex on too many occasions. She gets aggressive about HER
desire, and this is a PROBLEM? WHOOOAAAHH!!! WTF am I missing here? Is
the man NOT in control? Can he NOT refuse, or at least MODIFY what he
sees as a DEMAND?

If the man is supposedly in CONTROL, can he not then REFUSE, MODIFY,
or ACCOMMODATE such a demand? If not, then he is most OBVIOUSLY
involved with the wrong woman, if he feels uncomfortable with her or
any of her so-called "DEMANDS".

Mike Starre

Re: Is THIS a PROBLEM?!?!?

This should not be a problem, but bits and pieces of it can look like problems to those who are still trying to figure out Taken In Hand.

And it seems like we are saying the same thing in different ways.

I would just add that people should not jump to the conclusion that they are with the wrong person, while they are still on the path between wherever they were and Taken In Hand. It may take a while to remove the various (and even subconscious) assumptions that have been accumulating over a lifetime, and to gain enough understanding and experience to automatically respond in the most constructive way.

Depends on the man

If I try ambushing my man unawares it’s likely to have the same effect as flinging myself at a tree. It would take a rugby prop forward to shift him. My initial attempts at sexually aggressive play were overpowered so effortlessly and rapidly as to introduce an awareness of the complete futility of such attempts. He did find my efforts entertaining though.

I feel the same way.

I really enjoy, trying to take control. I know I would be disappointed if I did win. The important part is that he understands that. You see, before we clearly agreed that this is the way we wanted thing between us, he would interpret my aggression, as his turn to lay back and enjoy it. That so ruined the mood for me. Now we have a balance. When I am aggressive he responds with the reassurance that I need. When I am docile, he takes the opportunity to lay back and enjoy himself. It is kind of like reverse psychology and it took him a while to realize that about me.

But don't think for a min that he is not in control. He has learned to meet my aggression with control. However, my sexual advances are not always met with reward. Just often enough, they are rewarded in order to encourage me to keep trying. He likes me to express my desire for him. He would not smother that....Oh no.