Can a man develop the ability to take charge?

When I met him, it seemed that my husband was not an alpha male. Or rather, his natural tendency was to be alpha to everyone except me, his wife. Fifteen years later, after coming to know everyone in his life—his mom, his sisters, his first wife—I suspect that the reason he did not take charge with me had to do with the women in his life and his desire to make them happy. Many of the women in his family are not women who would bend easily, make many concessions or allow anyone except themselves to be in charge.

Regardless of nature vs nurture and all the arguments than can be made there, when I met my husband, he did not take the lead and neither of us knew then that I would ever want him to. Years later, when I began to explore the idea of a Taken In Hand relationship and approached him with the idea, he was more than willing to go there.

We are still working on our Taken In Hand relationship. We've had setbacks, but we've made great strides in the last two years as well. Neither of us is perfect, but he has started taking charge and we are happier than we were two years ago.

On this and other sites, we discuss how our culture has often, and in so many ways, taken away men's abilities to take and hold the reins. I believe changing that culture, even just in my own home, can effectively reverse that.

Can a man develop the ability to take charge? Absolutely! I'm watching it happen. Since he was the man of my dreams even before we decided to introduce control into our relationship, I trust him wholly and completely with all that I am and all I will be. He is worth that trust. He is using his mind, will and creativity to develop his take-charge alpha potential. He is doing that for himself, for me, and for us.


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Beyond babyhood (a time when everybody is eager to please us), people have to develop the ability to take charge if they desire to guide. Maybe there's a time frame when a person has to develop the ability to an extent by a certain stage of life to be particularly good at it, but clearly learning occurs for a long time. Empathy, imagination, and love seem to be the necessary qualities.

I know many people on this site attest to "how culture has . . . taken away men's abilities to take and hold the reins," but I don't see evidence of it. Maybe there is good evidence in legal cases of which I know next to nothing. But I don't think television shows with stupid male leads are enough to emasculate men. Shakespeare plays have stupid male leads, and men were in charge then. I live in a liberal city and attend a liberal university, and the men seem to be doing just fine, not all that guilt-ridden when they get to lead the way.


Re: Can a man develop the ability to take charge?

As I watch my husband taking charge in our relationship I see a man whose confidence is increasing daily. He too was raised by a woman who cannot let a man have any influence over her. So he formed the notion that to have a happy woman was to let her have her way in all things.
However I saw his alpha male dying to come to the surface but was unsure of how or if I would accept that behavior as his only desire was my happiness. Imagine his relief as I indicated that not only was it acceptable but I was delighted by it.

Allowing his natural tendencies to assert themselves has opened him up in a way I had only hoped for. To see my husband be the man he is meant to be is a wondrous thing. He is happy and at peace and so am I.

I happily welcome his control secure in the knowledge that all he wants is my love and happiness and wellbeing. Our love and mutual respect for each other has become deeper day by day as we follow the taken in hand model for our marriage.

I have developed it

It had taken me a long time to finally "get it". What it was that was not right. After many a failed relationships I finally got it and now my woman adores me. And I love making her do so.

It is truly a gift to a man when he learns that being a man is what will set him free. Learning to gain the respect and love of his woman.
Giving his woman the ability to finally be the loving entity that she is.

Give her the freedom to truly please her man.

I had to go through so much pain but finally after observing what makes ME willing to follow certain people and respect certain friends and then reading and learning from this site was I finally able to "get it" and turn my relationship into something special.

I get goosebumps every time she follows me and shows me her womanly side. It truly becomes addicting knowing that the true nature of a man and woman relationship can inspire truly holistic enjoyment from your lives.

Culture and leadership

I don't personally believe that modern culture is to blame for men not leading. I don't think all men are natural leaders. I don't think they ever were. I think some men may have their alpha side brought out by encouragement, but some men simply haven't got an alpha side. Some just don't have an inclination to lead. They may prefer an egalitarian relationship, or they may prefer to be led. Not all men are alike, any more than are all women.


Re: Culture and Leadership


Could you clarify your first comment? “I don't personally believe that modern culture is to blame for men not leading.” Do you mean to say that cultural pressures have nothing to do with it, or that they aren’t the main factor, or that they aren’t the only factor?

I can’t agree with the first option, I might agree with the second, and I fully agree with the last one.

Social constructs apply behavioral pressure by design, don’t they? They might be strong enough to reduce or even suppress our instincts. I’ve witnessed that effect in my own life, and others relate similar experiences.

Whether we favor Nature or Nurture as the more dominant factor, don’t both come into play? Doesn’t personality emerge as the product of natural tendencies coupled with the discipline that accumulates through rigor? The final ratio is dependent upon the individual circumstances.

I agree that not ALL men are natural leaders. It’s not a universal talent or trait, so we must bow to the evidence that certain men lack this inherent quality, either in part or in whole. Still, personal preferences aside, I BELIEVE that all men and women can muster an ounce of self determination, applying that trivial leadership proficiency toward dragging our individual selves up off of the couch, weathering the vicissitudes of life, and maintaining course when opposed by a light summer breeze. Alas, I can’t prove this theory in all cases, but I choose to live in hope.

Good to hear from you. Best regards,

Alan K

"Modern Culture". BAH!!!

Louise sez "I don't personally believe that modern culture is to blame for men not leading."

I do. It has certainly limited my interactions when comparing what I resigned to do as opposed to what I wished to do.

True, there have been occasions when I blasted through the "socially acceptable" and did what I wished, but most of my life was hog-tied to the wishes of "Modern Culture".

FWIW, the times I found most rewarding were those in which I blasted through the horrendous restrictions. These days, often at my peril, I ignore "Modern Culture" in favor of my own preferences. As a result, I am quite content with my few successes in the face of my many disappointments.

Mick McCleod

A Familiar Story

A very nice article. I can see my own experiences, throughout.

Great to hear that you’re enjoying the newfound dynamics. Appearances can be deceiving, can’t they? “When I met him, it seemed that my husband was not an alpha male.” It’s interesting that your husband never anticipated this type of arrangement until you broached the subject. Might you have been the first person (male or female) in his life to propose such a radical idea?

I always dismissed my natural tendencies, until a crisis forced them to the surface. When the moment of truth came, I was effectively numb. Only afterward did I notice that others were having similar epiphanies. Just as you mentioned, I latched onto the pleasant sensations and refused to let go. “He was more than willing…” I definitely get that!

I had to give up some foolish preconceptions, but so what? The payoff has been unbelievable!

I’ll never go back to the half life that we knew. And if I did, my wife would be heartbroken. In fact, we couldn’t undo this miracle. Thanks for the reminders!

Alan K


What in the Western world do you want to do with a woman that modern culture prohibits? Modern culture (even in the US) allows people to do as they please with one another in privacy. And as far as public reaction goes, getting dirty/concerned looks is generally rewarding isn't it? Who doesn't enjoy shocking old ladies?



"What in the Western world do you want to do with a woman that modern culture prohibits?"

Not being a man, you have no idea how terrifying it is to know that I can be charged with a sex crime and put in jail on the fickle whim of a woman - even if I'm innocent.

So just spanking a woman can put me there.

THAT's just one example of doing something in private that modern culture prohibits.

Let's not be disingenuous on this forum, it deserves better than that.


I understand men being fearful of false accusations early in a relationship, Bobtc.

A man shouldn't spank or have sex with a woman who might call the cops on him. I asked for examples assuming love and trust between the man and woman.

I'm not being disingenuous. I'm genuinely puzzled by how modern culture is a threat if the man and woman are trustworthy, in love, and know what they want. How does modern culture interfere then?